Tuesday was Bluesday

When I woke up this morning the first thought in my head, other than the low level hating of myself for screwing up another morning and failing to rise promptly, was like a gunshot, especially after the cacaphonous hour of three different alarms going off in the haze of my sleep.

This is not a joke.

You know how some things you can put off and shrug off because they're not that serious? Well, I sat up in my bed and saw that I have been living my life this way, but it's not an optional activity or something I can do over again. This is the one shot at youth I have, the one blind chance to set the rest of my life in stone, and here I am laying in a tossed and turned bed, an hour off schedule for the morning and a couple years off schedule with anything meaningful. So I got up fast, kept hating myself, did 40 push-ups, skipped a shower and went on with the careening routine of getting out the door in the morning. Spilling the oatmeal all over the front porch on my way out really helped everything along, and I got so pissed at God I just threw out my hands and said "Can't you just let me get to my car?? I'm already an hour late! Can't you just let me get going?" Such was the honest voice of my heart, and until that heart changes, anger will continue to blast out through any level of piousness or good feelings towards God and others that may exist at the moment.

Being me, I wasn't just angry and miserable all day. The commonalities of life continued on--fighting slumber on the drive, Starbucks Frappuccino, working on the totes project, crafting burritos for lunch, and struggling through the DMR. My mind was just strained and misfiring all day, and I ended up printing several pages 3 times before I remembered what to fix and remembered to fix it before printing it again. At one point I thought, "Geez, I could just see myself driving home and forgetting that I don't have enough gas to get home, and driving myself out of gas on the way." So when I finished the report I drove to the Sunoco and tanked up and got some snacks. Snapple Rain (Still good. Sooo good!). $2.85/gallon! It cost $39 to fill up! That was hard to swallow. But I got 30.3 miles to the gallon, which I was happy about. Then back to the plant, take the chlorine reading, drop off the charts at the filter plant, and swing by 002 to get the strip chart. I was disappointed to see that the chlorine day tank had been filled, ruining my measurement for the day, but I was even more ticked to see that it was because I had put the sign on the wrong side Monday, so it said to fill it. Ugh.

I stayed till 6:15 to make up the last of the hours from taking last Friday off. Even though I was scatterbrained I had kept myself from getting too sleepy in the morning, and I got some good work done on projects. I also read reviews of "Plans" by Death Cab for Cutie during lunch and learned about the band, which till then had existed in a vacuum in my mind. I read the lyrics for the album too, and marveled at their piercing honesty, startlingly clear meanings, and the poignant pictures they conjure up. I like Death Cab a lot right now, so much so that I wonder how long it will last, and how good they are in the long run.

The drive home was sunny, but I kept the windows closed 'cause the vents kept it at a nice temperature. I played the Matthew CD's, but spent more time in the comfortable groove of thinking with the talking in the background than really listening to it. I hate it when I do that because it can be so gloriously meaningful when I really have a good listen to those CD's. But oh well. We don't have epiphanies every day, and I certainly haven't been cultivating a quiet focus on God lately. As in all areas of my life right now, sowing and reaping looks pretty bleak. How can I fill all my time doing so much stuff, and seemingly have no real fruit on the way? If I could just make myself do all the dry dull lifeless motivation-less things that should be done, I would have a crop in the works that would thrill my heart and justify my life. Hm. I hadn't planned to say that last phrase, but it's what came to mind, and I think it's very accurate. It shows brutally clearly that this discouragement isn't in line with the gospel and isn't in humble acceptance and joy of Jesus' mercy and salvation. My mind revolted at the prospect of letting myself go that way as I thought about it at the front gate on my way out. I marveled at that moment at how fiercly feelings can resist the gospel when they take a turn away from rejoicing in it.

I was glad to check my voicemail and find that Tony couldn't make the guitar lesson tonight. That gave me an unobstructed evening, so I formulated this list that now must be done since I did this first 'cause all kinds of stuff was coming to mind:

• Do some Elliptical and stretches
• Run and fold the rest of my laundry
• Finish unpacking from Akron
• Take a shower
• Write about today
• Go to bed

One down, five to go. Fun down, strive to go.

I guess I'm going to try to address this "slough of despond" today by narrowing my music choices, doing Elliptical, going to bed on time (which means not doing anything on the internet and not writing or recording my song in the works), reading some Bible before bed tonight, and realizing, as I do, that feelings are not objective reality. I doubt I'll go gung ho at this sin and read and study the Bible and fill my mind with worship music and take a day out to fast and pray and start reading a book by John Piper and memorize some key verses. Is that bad? I could try, but I can envision absolutely nothing but pitiful failure within less than a week, and I don't want to go down that "convince yourself you're really going to do it only to fail and undermine your confidence further" road again. I could try, I certainly agree those are all great things to do, and anybody decent should do at least some of them and really actively fight their sins, but I honestly think I would not do them and nothing would change. So I take a step more with how life seems to be flowing, trusting, I think, in the for-real person of Jesus Christ and what He seems to be doing and supplying in fact right now. Perhaps I'm totally wrong and drifting in childish lazy spineless weakness and unbelief, but I feel and see no other plausible, honest course. We'll see what tomorrow brings, and wonder how much is sin and how much is just feelings.

--CA