Triumph:
Paging through screen after screen after screen of emails till I found the ONE spam message that was preventing me from have a clean inbox. Ahhhhh. Unread? zero.
Triumph:
Stevie Ray Vaughn turns out to be the perfect music for right now. Shawn McDonald sang to us for 2.7 hours as I drifted through dim consciousness on the couch and Mom and Dad discussed every inch of the house plans on the computer screen, and I was looking for something quiet to follow him up. Quiet but not melancholy... quiet and happy or interesting and not sensitive acoustic.. but Stevie took things in a little different direction, and it's PERFECT. Thusly is the point of having 5247 songs to choose from.
Frustration:
Still unable to log in to my artistcollaboration ftp sites to upload new recordings.
Possibility:
Yahoo! domains for a few bucks a year. My own whole website? Hmm...
Resolve:
My savings keeps going up (I set it up to put half my net paycheck in there every week), but my checking account has trickled down. I need to spend less money. Small things, smart things, recognizing that this isn't as special of a case as it feels, but rather it's another $27 subtraction that I have a chance to cut out of my next bank statement. It's good to look over my account activity and see my spendings add up.
Discomfort:
The weird knot of pain between my right shoulder blade and backbone. For two weeks now it's been taking my breath away when I turn or move certain directions. Shannon and Dad's best efforts at pounding it out haven't helped, and it's sitting back there, a quiet little ache. It's like somebody implanted a marble back there and forgot to take it out.
Warm:
The fire behind me, the light oak cabinets and table and chairs, golden floor, golden brown couches, yellow light, soft shadows, sleeping beagle, carpet, blankets, brown bricks.
--JPB
Update:
Triumph:
Recording one of the songs that I sang into my cell phone memo recorder awhile ago. Many other songs still lay in there conceived yet unborn, but this one at least is out in the air, screaming a little bit, but kinda good looking. Looks a little like his daddy.
Helplessness:
It's late. Work is immovable. Nothing in the world can change the hours gone and the fewness of the ones that remain before then. I have rolled my dice.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Saturday, January 12, 2008
A Survey of 2007
Inspired by Jason's enjoyable post.
Most unexpected event:
Doubting every single thing about my life and being further from God and more miserable than I ever thought I would be.
Hardest thing (other than above):
Battling and being drowned by my laziness.
- Struggling to do a good job at work and not being able to easily change that
- Letting my musical potential slip away mostly unrealized
- Letting almost everything I want to do slip away undone
Best new addition:
I'll pick two:
1) Pure Boss practice room up in the loft of the Chima's barn. It's like something in a movie - warm wood sloped ceiling, thick green carpet, drums and amps packed in tight.. we can do whatever we want up there, and when we're tired, there's a pool table and couches down below!
2) The Piersons! I started hanging out with their family this year, and now I try to go over there for dinner and hanging out every couple weeks. I love being around younger kids and experiencing the richness and fun of a well-run family. I'm so grateful for their openness!
Best new music:
Oooh baby. Probably Mae. They have become a staple of my heart and subwoofer right next to Switchfoot. I also got into The Who. Don't listen to them much right now, but they affected my music a good bit.
I've been sucking in new music like a feind, though - just most of it not as deeply as Mae.
Biggest change:
Getting a job.
I am challenged. Hard.
I am paid.
I am tied-down.
I am being forced to conform and suck up like most people are in their first year of public school. Which is good for me.
It's an amazing blessing and a grating frustration.
Biggest thing that didn't turn out to be big:
For those of you who don't know, I had a "relationship" (we called it a purposeful friendship, since that's what it was) in the spring. I've never sought God and been met by Him so intensely than in the month preceding that. It went about a month, and then we both agreed that it wasn't really clicking, and so it ended, as well and as painlessly as I think something like that possibly could. I won't say who here, but if you want, feel free to ask me about it.
Biggest thing that did turn out to be big:
Youth Camp! I still don't really feel like I'm the person who organized and led THE youth camp. Which is good, 'cause that would fill me with pride, and it's not really true.
Planning was a beautiful, intense, focused haze, and camp was a slow-motion paradise, personally (for myself) and spiritually (for everyone else). Could not have gone better.
Best memories from an event:
Probably the Pirates game/fireworks show/Styx concert with Daniel, Justin, Betsy and other church folks. A multiplicitly delightful and wondrous night.
Thing I most respect about myself from the year:
Probably... my burgeoning music collection and appreciation.
Next is maybe my skill at driving my car.
There's some brutal honesty for you.
Those may seem trivial, but I can't think of anything else I respect about myself. Everything else sucks.
Thing others probably respect most about me:
The stuff I do with church: worship team, care group worship, college night, Fuse I-team.
I put this in, at the risk of seeming prideful (I'm not proud about this stuff), because it illustrates the dichotomy of who I want to be and who I am. The frustration I feel with my life vs. the value other people see in what I do do. Maybe I am actually living my life OK, but I have no peace right now.
Well, this is an odd mix of really depressing and then pretty happy stuff. For future reference, I am in a lonely and depressed mood right now with people leaving for college, Daniel and Ken in Utah where I would kill to be, and myself torn and shredded with doubt, frustration, hopelessness and self loathing. Those are all honest feelings, but they come and go, so there is only limited value in expressing them. And FYI, expressing them intensifies them. Literally, speaking words of doubt solidifies that doubt in your mind. So really watch what you say, and hold your tongue more than you let it go. Our words ring like a judge's gavel, and come back to speak to our heart later, so don't put a bunch of junk out there that will make it harder to turn to God with childlike faith and gratefulness.
I want to end with a flurry of things that I've remembered as I've searched my memory to come up with this post. Just indulge my desire to preserve the past:
- Nate and Sarah's wedding. I was a groomsman, which was sweet.
- Getting a new laptop
- We're going to build and move to a new house, for crying out loud! At this moment Dad is sitting at the computer working away on the plans. It is filling his life right now, and he's doing a masterful job at it.
- We got Alex in the band for awhile, and I played guitar, but it didn't work out so we're back to 3.
- We got a new kitchen table and a couch in the basement, so two main areas of the house look a lot better.
- The great Harrisburg trip with Shannon, Mike and Kayte.
- The free period in the spring after graduating and before getting my job
- I've become pretty good friends with Craig Tumino and Betsy Caprio. Nick Shuch continues to be a strangely good friend, too.
- I don't really stay at the Hoffman's much anymore in Akron. Pure Boss is more centered on the Chimas now.
- My gosh, the Rishels left and Jeremy Hetrick is our new assistant pastor! He and his family have been a joy and delight in many many ways.
- I don't enjoy food as recklessly as I used to, and I don't always want to talk about stuff like I used to.
- I started the year as a person who grew facial hair and didn't wear glasses. Now I've ditched the contacts and beardtee and am a cleanshaven person with glasses.
- Genesis series at church, and lately the Philippians series.
- Oooh man, the Dispatch concert trip! Steph's glorious glorious beach house in the idyllic Stone Harbor beach town, tons of driving, and really really enjoying the concert. Quite a trip.
- Kennywood with Steve Hoffman, Rachel and Betsy. Great time with an unusual mix of people.
I think 2007 was in 3 distinct phases - semesters actually. Spring was no-work, no-school, ending with the golden month. That phase was ended viciously with my job starting, and the summer was the newbie phase of my job, which, looking back, was very very different from how it is now. Youth Camp totally occupied the first part of the summer. The fall was settling in to my real job as it is now, sprinkled with really good times with friends - Pittsburgh, Grove City, Messiah, Villanova and Akron. The year ended with a glorious stretch of vacation - family in Chicago, then Tuminos in Akron, then Akronites here, centered around the Harvey's basement. A larger-than-life time whose memories still leave a sad sweet tinge.
OK, that wraps it up. I pray to God that 2008 has me finding God and peace and direction, be it in the job-wife-family direction or the music-craziness-doingstuff direction. Mostly I need my hard cold heart softened and Jesus Christ and His sacrifice on the cross made real to me in an abiding way.
Thanks for reading! Future self, I bet you treasure this post.
--JPB
Most unexpected event:
Doubting every single thing about my life and being further from God and more miserable than I ever thought I would be.
Hardest thing (other than above):
Battling and being drowned by my laziness.
- Struggling to do a good job at work and not being able to easily change that
- Letting my musical potential slip away mostly unrealized
- Letting almost everything I want to do slip away undone
Best new addition:
I'll pick two:
1) Pure Boss practice room up in the loft of the Chima's barn. It's like something in a movie - warm wood sloped ceiling, thick green carpet, drums and amps packed in tight.. we can do whatever we want up there, and when we're tired, there's a pool table and couches down below!
2) The Piersons! I started hanging out with their family this year, and now I try to go over there for dinner and hanging out every couple weeks. I love being around younger kids and experiencing the richness and fun of a well-run family. I'm so grateful for their openness!
Best new music:
Oooh baby. Probably Mae. They have become a staple of my heart and subwoofer right next to Switchfoot. I also got into The Who. Don't listen to them much right now, but they affected my music a good bit.
I've been sucking in new music like a feind, though - just most of it not as deeply as Mae.
Biggest change:
Getting a job.
I am challenged. Hard.
I am paid.
I am tied-down.
I am being forced to conform and suck up like most people are in their first year of public school. Which is good for me.
It's an amazing blessing and a grating frustration.
Biggest thing that didn't turn out to be big:
For those of you who don't know, I had a "relationship" (we called it a purposeful friendship, since that's what it was) in the spring. I've never sought God and been met by Him so intensely than in the month preceding that. It went about a month, and then we both agreed that it wasn't really clicking, and so it ended, as well and as painlessly as I think something like that possibly could. I won't say who here, but if you want, feel free to ask me about it.
Biggest thing that did turn out to be big:
Youth Camp! I still don't really feel like I'm the person who organized and led THE youth camp. Which is good, 'cause that would fill me with pride, and it's not really true.
Planning was a beautiful, intense, focused haze, and camp was a slow-motion paradise, personally (for myself) and spiritually (for everyone else). Could not have gone better.
Best memories from an event:
Probably the Pirates game/fireworks show/Styx concert with Daniel, Justin, Betsy and other church folks. A multiplicitly delightful and wondrous night.
Thing I most respect about myself from the year:
Probably... my burgeoning music collection and appreciation.
Next is maybe my skill at driving my car.
There's some brutal honesty for you.
Those may seem trivial, but I can't think of anything else I respect about myself. Everything else sucks.
Thing others probably respect most about me:
The stuff I do with church: worship team, care group worship, college night, Fuse I-team.
I put this in, at the risk of seeming prideful (I'm not proud about this stuff), because it illustrates the dichotomy of who I want to be and who I am. The frustration I feel with my life vs. the value other people see in what I do do. Maybe I am actually living my life OK, but I have no peace right now.
Well, this is an odd mix of really depressing and then pretty happy stuff. For future reference, I am in a lonely and depressed mood right now with people leaving for college, Daniel and Ken in Utah where I would kill to be, and myself torn and shredded with doubt, frustration, hopelessness and self loathing. Those are all honest feelings, but they come and go, so there is only limited value in expressing them. And FYI, expressing them intensifies them. Literally, speaking words of doubt solidifies that doubt in your mind. So really watch what you say, and hold your tongue more than you let it go. Our words ring like a judge's gavel, and come back to speak to our heart later, so don't put a bunch of junk out there that will make it harder to turn to God with childlike faith and gratefulness.
I want to end with a flurry of things that I've remembered as I've searched my memory to come up with this post. Just indulge my desire to preserve the past:
- Nate and Sarah's wedding. I was a groomsman, which was sweet.
- Getting a new laptop
- We're going to build and move to a new house, for crying out loud! At this moment Dad is sitting at the computer working away on the plans. It is filling his life right now, and he's doing a masterful job at it.
- We got Alex in the band for awhile, and I played guitar, but it didn't work out so we're back to 3.
- We got a new kitchen table and a couch in the basement, so two main areas of the house look a lot better.
- The great Harrisburg trip with Shannon, Mike and Kayte.
- The free period in the spring after graduating and before getting my job
- I've become pretty good friends with Craig Tumino and Betsy Caprio. Nick Shuch continues to be a strangely good friend, too.
- I don't really stay at the Hoffman's much anymore in Akron. Pure Boss is more centered on the Chimas now.
- My gosh, the Rishels left and Jeremy Hetrick is our new assistant pastor! He and his family have been a joy and delight in many many ways.
- I don't enjoy food as recklessly as I used to, and I don't always want to talk about stuff like I used to.
- I started the year as a person who grew facial hair and didn't wear glasses. Now I've ditched the contacts and beardtee and am a cleanshaven person with glasses.
- Genesis series at church, and lately the Philippians series.
- Oooh man, the Dispatch concert trip! Steph's glorious glorious beach house in the idyllic Stone Harbor beach town, tons of driving, and really really enjoying the concert. Quite a trip.
- Kennywood with Steve Hoffman, Rachel and Betsy. Great time with an unusual mix of people.
I think 2007 was in 3 distinct phases - semesters actually. Spring was no-work, no-school, ending with the golden month. That phase was ended viciously with my job starting, and the summer was the newbie phase of my job, which, looking back, was very very different from how it is now. Youth Camp totally occupied the first part of the summer. The fall was settling in to my real job as it is now, sprinkled with really good times with friends - Pittsburgh, Grove City, Messiah, Villanova and Akron. The year ended with a glorious stretch of vacation - family in Chicago, then Tuminos in Akron, then Akronites here, centered around the Harvey's basement. A larger-than-life time whose memories still leave a sad sweet tinge.
OK, that wraps it up. I pray to God that 2008 has me finding God and peace and direction, be it in the job-wife-family direction or the music-craziness-doingstuff direction. Mostly I need my hard cold heart softened and Jesus Christ and His sacrifice on the cross made real to me in an abiding way.
Thanks for reading! Future self, I bet you treasure this post.
--JPB
For all you car owners and want-to-be car owners
Two facts.
The first: My insurance for the last 12 months was $1806.
The second: My insurance for the next 12 months will be $1056.
Two messages:
The first: Cars are EXPENSIVE! Hold out as long as you can before getting one! Don't get one unless you're sure you'll be able to pay for it (and I'm not talking the one-time cost of purchasing the vehicle). They drain precious twenties and hundreds from your pocket like nobody's business.
The second: My rate is dropping by $750 because my three accidents are finally off my record . . . three years after they happened. When you have a car, don't be stupid with it. I don't mind accelerating fast sometimes or taking turns harder than most people know you can take them, but when it comes to serious risks like the distance between you and the car in front of you, rainy conditions, stopping time... it's no joke. If you mess up once, you'll be paying for it for years.
You can buy cheaper cars than mine and get less insurance than I have, but these messages still stand in principle. It behooves us to have a sober view of owning and operating a car.
--JPB
The first: My insurance for the last 12 months was $1806.
The second: My insurance for the next 12 months will be $1056.
Two messages:
The first: Cars are EXPENSIVE! Hold out as long as you can before getting one! Don't get one unless you're sure you'll be able to pay for it (and I'm not talking the one-time cost of purchasing the vehicle). They drain precious twenties and hundreds from your pocket like nobody's business.
The second: My rate is dropping by $750 because my three accidents are finally off my record . . . three years after they happened. When you have a car, don't be stupid with it. I don't mind accelerating fast sometimes or taking turns harder than most people know you can take them, but when it comes to serious risks like the distance between you and the car in front of you, rainy conditions, stopping time... it's no joke. If you mess up once, you'll be paying for it for years.
You can buy cheaper cars than mine and get less insurance than I have, but these messages still stand in principle. It behooves us to have a sober view of owning and operating a car.
--JPB
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Snapshot
Woke up this morning and felt a lot better than I expected - the top of my mouth wasn't swollen, my lungs weren't quite clogged with congestion, and I didn't ache anymore (hooray).
Random thought: Think about PR. Public Relations. Like for a politician or celebrity. Now, what is the "public" with which the relations must be managed? Why is PR necessary? I think the "public" in this case is defined by being essentially ignorant about that for which PR is being managed. If they really knew this politician, he wouldn't need a PR guy to make sure every statement coming out of his mouth can't possibly be taken wrongly. If they really knew circumstances, personalities, contexts, we wouldn't need PR. The pervasive availability of news has made everyone "partial-knowers" - ignorant "public" who need to be managed. This thought isn't intended to be snotty like that last statement sounded, rather, just to sit back and ponder on the nature of PR and why we need it. An overinformed public. Which is why I don't watch news or read newspapers or hardly ever check online news. Most of it is none of my business.
Active playlist setup: Playcounts > 0. Results: 4213 items. 11.8 days of audio material. All of which I have listened to at least once.
Well, most of that's probably just one listen, right? Playcounts >1. 3483 items. 9.1 days.
>4? 1987. 5.1 days.
>9? 852. 2.1 days.
Thats a lot of hours and days and weeks and months of music that has gone into my brain.
Something I am intensely proud of, for some strange reason that is probably inscrutable to many. One of the few ways that I am a type of person I respect. Probably an idol that God will tear down or wear down through the future. Certainly something that has greatly benefitted all aspects of my musical creativity.
Chick-Fil-A for lunch tomorrow! Hearty beef & veggie soup for breakfast.
Tonight was a nearly unique night, and very satisfying. I stayed home while Mom and Dad went to prayer meeting and Daniel went off to the Shuchs' to hang out and play games. I sat in the huggle chair and ate large amounts of the oriental snacks I bought Saturday and read large amounts of "The Mixing Engineer's Handbook." I like my EQ style, but my gain staging sucks and I need to leave headroom when I record and mix. And--probably with youthful bravado and arrogance--I think my monitor setup is just fine and I can make fine mixes with it, all else being equal.
Wednesday is over. Over the hump for another week! Now it's just "tomorrowisFriday" and "todayisFriday!", and another weekend is here. Funny how the precious and irrepeatable weeks rush by.
Time to obey what I said 30 minutes ago: "I'm tired, and I'm going to go to bed."
Which brought exclamations of joy from Mom :-P
--JPB
Oh, and I most definitely, indubitably and irrevocably . . . . put my boxers on backwards this morning.
Random thought: Think about PR. Public Relations. Like for a politician or celebrity. Now, what is the "public" with which the relations must be managed? Why is PR necessary? I think the "public" in this case is defined by being essentially ignorant about that for which PR is being managed. If they really knew this politician, he wouldn't need a PR guy to make sure every statement coming out of his mouth can't possibly be taken wrongly. If they really knew circumstances, personalities, contexts, we wouldn't need PR. The pervasive availability of news has made everyone "partial-knowers" - ignorant "public" who need to be managed. This thought isn't intended to be snotty like that last statement sounded, rather, just to sit back and ponder on the nature of PR and why we need it. An overinformed public. Which is why I don't watch news or read newspapers or hardly ever check online news. Most of it is none of my business.
Active playlist setup: Playcounts > 0. Results: 4213 items. 11.8 days of audio material. All of which I have listened to at least once.
Well, most of that's probably just one listen, right? Playcounts >1. 3483 items. 9.1 days.
>4? 1987. 5.1 days.
>9? 852. 2.1 days.
Thats a lot of hours and days and weeks and months of music that has gone into my brain.
Something I am intensely proud of, for some strange reason that is probably inscrutable to many. One of the few ways that I am a type of person I respect. Probably an idol that God will tear down or wear down through the future. Certainly something that has greatly benefitted all aspects of my musical creativity.
Chick-Fil-A for lunch tomorrow! Hearty beef & veggie soup for breakfast.
Tonight was a nearly unique night, and very satisfying. I stayed home while Mom and Dad went to prayer meeting and Daniel went off to the Shuchs' to hang out and play games. I sat in the huggle chair and ate large amounts of the oriental snacks I bought Saturday and read large amounts of "The Mixing Engineer's Handbook." I like my EQ style, but my gain staging sucks and I need to leave headroom when I record and mix. And--probably with youthful bravado and arrogance--I think my monitor setup is just fine and I can make fine mixes with it, all else being equal.
Wednesday is over. Over the hump for another week! Now it's just "tomorrowisFriday" and "todayisFriday!", and another weekend is here. Funny how the precious and irrepeatable weeks rush by.
Time to obey what I said 30 minutes ago: "I'm tired, and I'm going to go to bed."
Which brought exclamations of joy from Mom :-P
--JPB
Oh, and I most definitely, indubitably and irrevocably . . . . put my boxers on backwards this morning.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
A couple clarifications
Dear blog,
I don't want you to feel unloved or un-thought-of because of my neglect of you for the past few months. Truth is, I've thought of you many times. A lot of cool things have happened, and I wanted to write about them so I could remember them later. I've had a lot of deep and emotional thoughts, experiences and realizations, and even some random and interesting insights into life, both trivial and technical. But here's the deal: one of the changes I've been undergoing--call it a low-level emotional motivation change--is that I no longer feel like there's inherent value in expressing myself. In fact, I've come to really despise talking about something and then never doing anything about it. I feel the pettiness and arrogance of so much of my own musings and other peoples', and work has beat into my head the truth that no one cares what you say, they care what you DO. Do I want to make an album of my solo songs? Don't frikkin' write a long blog post about it! You can write that post when you have the CD in your hand and can include a link to the website selling it!
So when I would be in the shower or on the road or at work and think of some nifty principle upon which the world operates, or some clever thought that sums up part of what I've been going through, it was quick to lose its appeal and drop to a dull unimportance, and your screen never saw its life. And all those trips to Akron and fun times here? Sorry blog, I just didn't want to jump into the long ordeal of writing them out, writing way too much, trying to hack down the length, then hating myself for not being a clever and concise writer like Kayte Bell, and grinding my teeth at yet another fate sealed by the late hour I'd stayed up till.
So, that's where I've been, and that's who I've been lately. Maybe I'll have a spurt of writing more for awhile, I don't know. I wrote these two posts because Megan Chima told me at church last Sunday that she somehow read my blog, and she thought it was clever, and that I was a good writer. That was cool to hear, and made me think maybe it's nice for people to have interesting things to read here and maybe I'm not as completely stupid and poor a writer as I feel like I am.
OK, that's it. Take-home point? I no longer place paramount and self-evident value on pure self expression. Often times I think of something I could say in a conversation, and then think why? To what end? And let it go and never say a word. I'm getting older, blog, and I don't like it. It's nice not to regret impetuosity so much and to feel sorta better than others sometimes, but I place a high value on the heedlessness of youth, and wish I wasn't so shackled by the analytical predictions that limit my actions before I every actually TAKE them and see what happens.
Oh and lastly, just so you don't run wild with speculation, when I said in my last post that within a year I probably wouldn't be a single man, that was a un-backed-up impression I've had, not a secret relationship I'm not telling anyone about. :-P
Yeah. Trying not to use so many smiley faces either.
--JPB
I don't want you to feel unloved or un-thought-of because of my neglect of you for the past few months. Truth is, I've thought of you many times. A lot of cool things have happened, and I wanted to write about them so I could remember them later. I've had a lot of deep and emotional thoughts, experiences and realizations, and even some random and interesting insights into life, both trivial and technical. But here's the deal: one of the changes I've been undergoing--call it a low-level emotional motivation change--is that I no longer feel like there's inherent value in expressing myself. In fact, I've come to really despise talking about something and then never doing anything about it. I feel the pettiness and arrogance of so much of my own musings and other peoples', and work has beat into my head the truth that no one cares what you say, they care what you DO. Do I want to make an album of my solo songs? Don't frikkin' write a long blog post about it! You can write that post when you have the CD in your hand and can include a link to the website selling it!
So when I would be in the shower or on the road or at work and think of some nifty principle upon which the world operates, or some clever thought that sums up part of what I've been going through, it was quick to lose its appeal and drop to a dull unimportance, and your screen never saw its life. And all those trips to Akron and fun times here? Sorry blog, I just didn't want to jump into the long ordeal of writing them out, writing way too much, trying to hack down the length, then hating myself for not being a clever and concise writer like Kayte Bell, and grinding my teeth at yet another fate sealed by the late hour I'd stayed up till.
So, that's where I've been, and that's who I've been lately. Maybe I'll have a spurt of writing more for awhile, I don't know. I wrote these two posts because Megan Chima told me at church last Sunday that she somehow read my blog, and she thought it was clever, and that I was a good writer. That was cool to hear, and made me think maybe it's nice for people to have interesting things to read here and maybe I'm not as completely stupid and poor a writer as I feel like I am.
OK, that's it. Take-home point? I no longer place paramount and self-evident value on pure self expression. Often times I think of something I could say in a conversation, and then think why? To what end? And let it go and never say a word. I'm getting older, blog, and I don't like it. It's nice not to regret impetuosity so much and to feel sorta better than others sometimes, but I place a high value on the heedlessness of youth, and wish I wasn't so shackled by the analytical predictions that limit my actions before I every actually TAKE them and see what happens.
Oh and lastly, just so you don't run wild with speculation, when I said in my last post that within a year I probably wouldn't be a single man, that was a un-backed-up impression I've had, not a secret relationship I'm not telling anyone about. :-P
Yeah. Trying not to use so many smiley faces either.
--JPB
I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!
But soon enough I'll probably be taking antibiotic pills. [I may have bronchitis. More on that in 2 paragraphs.]
I've been hanging out like there's no tomorrow for several weeks, ever since friends started coming back from college for Christmas break. There were a couple days with Daniel, Justin and Betsy, then the wild Friday night care-group-party-and-beyond, crashing at the airport at 5:30am and flying to Chicago for Christmas. The night I flew back from Chicago Justin and I were out till 4am, I had one evening Thursday to catch up, and then Friday it was out till 2 or so at Betsy's, then Akron Saturday afternoon, and the fun really began!
I had a realization tonight as I finally got a shower, feeling almost like a stranger in my home, where I've been but a ghost of a resident for days. It was more than the warning thought that's been wagging its finger at me every time I stop to take a glance backwards: "You can't keep doing this! You can't work in a no-mercy real world job and keep your foot in the heedless college crowd that stays up like there's no tomorrow because there hardly because they sleep till 3pm the next day!" That thought has been amply realized in the continued worsening of my throat and voice, and the deathly weight of tiredness that leaded my limbs and dragged my eyelids shut on Thursday, literally while standing up.
The realization was not that I *can't* be doing this forever, but that I *won't* be doing it forever. At some point, probably within a year, I will not be a single man anymore. Certainly in five years (if the good Lord's willin' and creek don't rise) it would be strange, and not too great, if I was still hanging out all night entertaining myself with movies and games and young unattached friends.
I went out to lunch Friday with my boss and a sand salesman, and they were talking at length about their lives - being married, kids, watching the money slip away, watching the years slip by. I do not believe that life has to be a hopeless and nearly joyless trap like it is for them, and I do not believe that my life will be like that, but it did slap a vivid picture of real life right in my face. Things do actually change from how they've been, and it actually is possible (and will happen) that I'll be the guy who goes home early and leaves the laughter behind to go sleep and be responsible. That I will go home and eat sandwiches because I shouldn't pay $12 for a restaurant meal.
What's the application of this? Well, to put it starkly, it means these past weeks are probably one of the last times I will be hanging out so crazily. [And by crazy I mean skipping by home at 11:46pm after work, care group and Fuel 'n' Fuddle, stuffing my backpack with clothes and some deodorant, hopping in somebody's car back to the Harvey's, playing pool, watching The Godfather II till 4am, waking up, eating pancakes, driving a vanfull of chattering people to a museum, wandering around, swinging by the oriental drug store to buy shrimp crackers, hitting up Chick-Fil-A with a group of 17, jumping over to the thrift store, and returning again to the Harvey's house for pool, music, the Steelers game and more entertainment of myself by and with others.] I may have a few of these carefree periods left, but their days are numbered, mark my words. And yours are too, if you hope to be anything but a petty and self-serving child all your life.
What's the point? I'm not sure, honestly. I wanted to write this post to break my spell of not blogging, to write down this realization, and to try to convey the finality and real-ness of its emotional impact. I'm still going to dead fish-it tomorrow -- drive to church and go from there, not knowing wherest and whenst I will go, flitting from person to person, group to group, conversation to conversation, joke to joke, activity to activity. A life full of failures has dulled any recognizable motivation to be all responsible and think ahead and cut everything out now so that at some magical point in the future everything'll be great, which would be a natural action point from what I've just written.
Somehow, it feels like there is value in realizing that our youthful days are numbered, and that the adults who are asleep right now will inevitably be us.
Enjoy it now! And don't be surprised at the future.
--JPB
I've been hanging out like there's no tomorrow for several weeks, ever since friends started coming back from college for Christmas break. There were a couple days with Daniel, Justin and Betsy, then the wild Friday night care-group-party-and-beyond, crashing at the airport at 5:30am and flying to Chicago for Christmas. The night I flew back from Chicago Justin and I were out till 4am, I had one evening Thursday to catch up, and then Friday it was out till 2 or so at Betsy's, then Akron Saturday afternoon, and the fun really began!
I had a realization tonight as I finally got a shower, feeling almost like a stranger in my home, where I've been but a ghost of a resident for days. It was more than the warning thought that's been wagging its finger at me every time I stop to take a glance backwards: "You can't keep doing this! You can't work in a no-mercy real world job and keep your foot in the heedless college crowd that stays up like there's no tomorrow because there hardly because they sleep till 3pm the next day!" That thought has been amply realized in the continued worsening of my throat and voice, and the deathly weight of tiredness that leaded my limbs and dragged my eyelids shut on Thursday, literally while standing up.
The realization was not that I *can't* be doing this forever, but that I *won't* be doing it forever. At some point, probably within a year, I will not be a single man anymore. Certainly in five years (if the good Lord's willin' and creek don't rise) it would be strange, and not too great, if I was still hanging out all night entertaining myself with movies and games and young unattached friends.
I went out to lunch Friday with my boss and a sand salesman, and they were talking at length about their lives - being married, kids, watching the money slip away, watching the years slip by. I do not believe that life has to be a hopeless and nearly joyless trap like it is for them, and I do not believe that my life will be like that, but it did slap a vivid picture of real life right in my face. Things do actually change from how they've been, and it actually is possible (and will happen) that I'll be the guy who goes home early and leaves the laughter behind to go sleep and be responsible. That I will go home and eat sandwiches because I shouldn't pay $12 for a restaurant meal.
What's the application of this? Well, to put it starkly, it means these past weeks are probably one of the last times I will be hanging out so crazily. [And by crazy I mean skipping by home at 11:46pm after work, care group and Fuel 'n' Fuddle, stuffing my backpack with clothes and some deodorant, hopping in somebody's car back to the Harvey's, playing pool, watching The Godfather II till 4am, waking up, eating pancakes, driving a vanfull of chattering people to a museum, wandering around, swinging by the oriental drug store to buy shrimp crackers, hitting up Chick-Fil-A with a group of 17, jumping over to the thrift store, and returning again to the Harvey's house for pool, music, the Steelers game and more entertainment of myself by and with others.] I may have a few of these carefree periods left, but their days are numbered, mark my words. And yours are too, if you hope to be anything but a petty and self-serving child all your life.
What's the point? I'm not sure, honestly. I wanted to write this post to break my spell of not blogging, to write down this realization, and to try to convey the finality and real-ness of its emotional impact. I'm still going to dead fish-it tomorrow -- drive to church and go from there, not knowing wherest and whenst I will go, flitting from person to person, group to group, conversation to conversation, joke to joke, activity to activity. A life full of failures has dulled any recognizable motivation to be all responsible and think ahead and cut everything out now so that at some magical point in the future everything'll be great, which would be a natural action point from what I've just written.
Somehow, it feels like there is value in realizing that our youthful days are numbered, and that the adults who are asleep right now will inevitably be us.
Enjoy it now! And don't be surprised at the future.
--JPB
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