Big Milk

Pittsburgh, PA December 11, 2005

An environmental activist group in California recently released research linking cows to global warming. Andrew Feola, head researcher for the project, stated "You put your hand on a cow and it's warm, right? Well, all those cows--they've got to be warming the Earth up." The study indicated that cows continue to procreate, indicating the propagation and perhaps even escalation of this worldwide threat.

"President Bush's big milk policies have created an out-of-control demand for milk," stated Lisa Furrows, research coordinator and New York Times writer. "We've found possible evidence linking Bush's campaign funds to the 'Got Milk' ad empire. Which, frankly, doesn't surprise us. Everyone knows Bush rode the big milk money on his campaign of lies to steal the presidencey from Al Gore six years ago."

The study concluded that milk is an extreme environmental hazard, and that if left unchecked, could lead to cataclysmic flooding within 10 years, or 7 by some estimates. "Obviously, Bush hasn't addressed this issue in any of his plans," noted Feola. "It's time to put a stop to the big milk money funding Bush's incompetency and destroying the Earth that bore us from her fertile soil. How can the government run schools that serve millions of kids every day something that will wipe us all out before they reach college? It's time for change, and people need to hear that."
When asked if they drank milk, Feola had no comments, and Furrows said "Of course not! Unless I'm looking for some quick protein in the morning. I've got to get my calcium, too, you know."

The study's findings are yet to be reviewed by scientists, or anyone with a non-liberal arts degree.