Those who want it too much...

Right now I'm seriously butting up against discouragement and hopelessness. For the last few days, building on the last few weeks and months, I've seen lack everywhere I turn: I go to work and fight my confounding laziness; I go hang out with folks from Church and see my cold unfriendliness and disconnection from people; I go home at night and see a room full of stuff mocking me for not cleaning it up and taking care of it; I go to class and see tight social circles that I am utterly removed from; I wake up in the morning cursing myself for staying up hours and hours too late and sleeping an hour later than I'd hoped; I hear music, and my heart cries because I can't make music that good; I go downstairs to record, and walk away deeply frustrated by the limitations of my equipment and mostly the grinding limitations of my musical abilities and skills; I look in the mirror and see the blackish-blue below my eyes and a face covered with zits; I talk to Dad, and I see a life that should be strong and upright for God, and is instead hunched over like I am now in my chair, corroding away in its own feelings and neglecting what's of true importance.

The challenge is to look to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising its shame, and is now lifted up at the right hand of the Father (Hebrew 12:1-2, roughly). This is true. And it can make me happy, or joyful. But still these areas seem to go on unaddressed, and I wonder right now about the overall state of my life. Still, it's true.

Something I've seen poignantly lately is a life principle, a staple of good stories (and probably an ancient Chinese proverb :-P): Those who want it too much can't have it. I always think of Hank the Cowdog on this topic, especially that night in the house when Little Alfred was going to give him a strip of bacon, and he tries so hard to get it that he wakes up the parents, they go skittering into another room to hide, the bacon disappears, and Drover ends up chomping it down. Hank craves the bacon like none other, but he's so calculating and (falsely) smart in getting it that he screws it up, and quiet, dumb little Drover (who isn't nearly as dumb as he or Hank thinks) opportunistically and simply nabs it.

This analogy doesn't cover all situations, but you get the idea I hope. I want to travel the world. Reading Kayte Bell's accounts of her times in Cairo right now has made my heart ache and yearn for the rich, challenging, paradigm-shifting experiences she writes about. I so wish I was that kind of person, that I had done such things. Semester at Sea could have been like that, but I conducted myself in semi isolation the whole time, both from my shipmates and from the people in the countries I visited (Getting back to that coldness and disconnection I mentioned above). Basically, I want to travel so badly that I can't imagine God actually letting it happen, 'cause I'd go nuts with pride and idolatry over it. And even from a humanistic point of view, I'd be trying to make myself into something, trying to prove something to myself and others... I don't think I would enjoy it and enter in to it like I should.

Ugh. I'm always up above stuff, looking, thinking, analyzing, calculating...and that seems to take a lot of things away from me, even as it brings some benefits. It's just hard for me to enter in to almost anything--joking with people, chilling with a group, traveling somewhere, recording music... All are stunted by the intelligence and analysis that are trying so hard to procure them!

The spiritual version of this is basically that when we seek our own way, for pride, selfishness, idolatry and self-glorification, we screw everything up, we can't enjoy what we craved so much, we mar God's gifts, and we ram up into God's resistance of the proud. The only solution, the only place I can look around here that doesn't lead me to despair, the way out that the World doesn't know, is to just drop your pride and your quest for glory. Why do I want to travel? Because I deeply admire those who have traveled and lived in other countries and I want to admire myself that way. Why do I want to be a popular, cool, person in groups? Because I'm not like that, and I think people who are like that are way cool, and I want to be way cool myself. Why do I want to record great music down in my basement? Because I have an almost mystical wonder at the people and processes who make the music that stirs my soul, and I want to be the object of that kind of wonder myself. Every one of these areas roots from me trying to make much of myself. Period.

All around me I see people getting and enjoying what I really really want. There are more examples even than I have given here. But I am coveting my neighbor's things, I'm worshipping another god before God Almighty, and I'm wishing to be worshipped myself. I think I'm feeling the weight of God's resistance right now, and my bright mind also sees clearly the worldly wisdom that says that those who want it too much can't have it. Or, put more simply, "too smart for your own good." (Though that brings into question the validity of the purported smartness, methinks.)

I see the solution, but still I struggle to let this glorious picture of myself, which is rooted deep deep in my soul, come crashing down. What's left of me is a piece of lazy, unimpressive, unaccomplished, unskilled and unadmired crap. But dangitall, that's what I am (till I see Christ and so become like Him, hallelujah!), and it's frikkin' not about me! Don't you see that, idiot? Geez. So I return to a prayer I came up with earlier this year, and that apparently I haven't been praying nearly enough :-)

Lord, help me to enjoy You making much of Yourself.

--Clear Ambassador