"Life" Magazine

Wow people. I just lost 36 minutes of work prying through my heart and mind writing about what's been going on these last months. As the mouse froze and turned to an hourglass I prayed before God and spoke to myself the smallness of 36 minutes of my time and the goodness of God, but it still hurts inside. Down an inch below my solar plexus, right where it twists like a burning knot when I get angry. It feels wrong to let that go. Anger is a mystery, but when that little knot twists and burns, it destroys all knowledge, thought, feeling and desire before its cry to express itself. The more you let it out, though, the bigger it gets and the more has to come out. It's a strange thing, and totally mysterious to some people, like Daniel. Thankfully he'll rarely if ever have to know the pain of shutting that up and letting it go before God. The pain of admitting that you're small and have no legitimate claim upon such self righteousness and wrath. The pain of letting that burning knot smoulder away like a missed opportunity. I think in some ways that's the crux of humility. Right in that moment admitting, in an enormously practical way, that you're not important. I'm guessing that other people come to that crux in different, but equally as agonizing, ways. In fact I'm sure, 'cause otherwise I would have a genuine claim on some self pity.

So. There's a paragraph I didn't plan to write! Now you know what it's like to be an angry person. It sucks. Don't try it.

Life right now is ridiculously great. I have no job, no school of any kind, a big comfy roof over my head, expensive, healthy and tasty food in the kitchen, a killer car, and a couple thousand bucks to pay for the car and any trifling amenities I may choose to buy to suit my passing fancy. I know this is an unrealistic and fleeting period, so I am trying to enjoy it (not hard) and utilize it (not easy) as much as possible. Basically, if I don't get things done now, when I have ALL the time in the world (literally. Every one of the day's 24 hours is mine), then I really am a complete fool and screwed for life.

So, I made lists on blank sheets of white paper (the only way I operate), starred important items, and crossed 'em off, one by one, day after day. I got a lot of annoying stupid simple little things done like scheduling a dentist appointment. That seriously took me 4 months to do, people. I'm an idiot. New wiper blades and battery for Pepsi Blue (ohhh, how it cranks that cold engine! Ahhhh); calls made, emails sent, room cleaned... there were some solid weeks. I went to Akron twice in January and once so far in February. It felt nice to be on top of things. I've even been reading the Bible - 5 Psalms a day and I'm keeping up. I'm speaking in past tense 'cause right now I feel like I'm careening again. But whatever. I'm not giving up, and there isn't a good way to talk more on that without digressing. Reading the Bible has been good. It paid off more quickly than I thought. Getting some real truth input is satisfying and restful in a kind of deep way, and I've even desired a few times to read the Bible over stuff like TV or Facebook. I think it's like working out - a hard habit to form that will always be easy to slip out of and builds in time to where you wish it could be right away. So I'm sticking with it, and praying what I prayed at the Men's Retreat: that I wouldn't be alone in this battle. Christ is what I seek and what I need, and what I've never really had. I think praying tooth and nail is the only thing that's going to keep this time from being just another spritual bump in the road of failure. It seems crazy that my life could genuinely change, and I could actually read the Bible and live under God from now on, but for crying out loud, it's got to happen some time, doesn't it?? Life is screwy dude.

Anyway, trips to Akron. I went once right after the New Year, and Justin, Daniel, Heather, Mike and Shannon came too. We took two cars, and everybody else was self-sufficient. I did mostly band stuff, practicing and working out new songs with Brian and Steve-O, while the others hung with the Tuminos or Murphys or Smiths and entertained themselves quite nicely. That was kind of a strange feeling, but it was very nice and restful to not have them be my responsibility. Band stuff went sweet, and we've got some great new songs (City Lights Behind Me, Dog Show, my new one). Then I went back a couple weeks later for a full weekend to try out a possible NEW DRUMMER!

Yes indeed, after speculatin' and ruminatin' about getting a fourth person in the band for years, we realized that Alex Morgan plays drums really well (He won a drum set at last year's Akron drum festival), he's a really nice guy, and he just might fit. We practiced with him that Saturday, and it went brilliantly. We worked out another new song, he had a blast, and it just seemed to work. So we talked about it Sunday down in the Chima's sweet basement, and decided that, barring a couple questions (which he answered himself pretty much), he was in. It was cool, but sobering for me because, well... it's never going to be just me, Brian and Stephen down in the basement again. And it's going to take a LOT of work to get Alex up to speed. I figure it'll take us basically a year before we're in full concert form again (which has taken the three of us 2 years to achieve). It's a lot of work for me, in particular, 'cause my drumming isn't your typical modern emo style, and it's going to take a lot of patient input and steeling myself to musical nonidealities to get things settled. But it's worth it to be up front playing guitar and rocking out :-) Ohh, it's AMAZING! Just glorious to be playing guitar, jumping and running around as I feel inclined, singing like a normal person, and getting into that sweet zone when things are clicking on the guitar and you play good stuff well.

I came up again this past Monday and Tuesday and practice this time was pretty hard. We got bogged down in "Just in Time," we got tired ('cause we ate no food), and things just didn't sound too great. But that's the band. Good times, bad times, and freakin' awesome times. So far Alex has gotten the bad and the freakin' awesome :-) And by the way, we discussed it a bit down in the basement, and I don't think God's calling us to sell out and haul butt with the band, so it'll be staying just a nice hobby and fun thing for friends. Unless God has a record deal out there. And then I'm gone like diddy-kong :-D

Akron is cool. Steve is a great friend. Philip is fun and funny. The Hoffman's mini pool table is GREAT :-) It's fun to watch people grow up and mature, to get to know folks better, to talk with the adults at church, to drive across Milton Lake on the way down, to have Philip laugh at my stupid jokes, to let the day unfurl unencumbered, and to sit down in the basement and hash out new music with Steve-O. We did that a ton last time I was up, and it was great. Just sitting around for hours passing the guitar between us, blurting out ideas, shutting up and listening to creativity outside of yourself, singing lyrics off the top of your head that form a perfect song, abiding with the music, and having a song grow as you let it settle down into your consciousness. We have a new song that's just me on acoustic and Steve on violin, and it's killer! I love that we keep writing songs, and they seem to be getting better and staying creative. I doubt we'll ever get that raw, simple directness of "Hypothesis," but our stuff will sound a lot better and be much more presentable.

On to the job.

When one has spent four years working hard to get a degree in chemical engineering, one should probably start making 60 grand a year off of it. Especially when one was just shy of a 4.0, and when one wants to get married as soon as God wills. However, I am currently at a standstill, face to face with the curse on mankind, that we will till the earth by the sweat of our brows. Quite truly, work sucks. It's hard! Engineering jobs are really hard! You know how much effort and involvment it takes to remodel a room or buy a new car? That's what we do all day every day, just with stuff that's more complicated. Forty years of that is a bit daunting.

But more than that, I'm facing forty years of never getting everything done that needs to be done. I've seen it with Dad, and I've lived it myself during busy semesters: Life in middle class America contains 2 to 3 times more things to do than time to do them. It's not a cliche or "busyness," it's an endless, tumbling, careening stream of undone, unfinished, and unmet mess. You get the paycheck, you pay the bills, you help with Exploring Christianity 'cause they need people, you go out with your wife Friday night, and the basement walls remain dirty and unfinished, the busted garage door opener sits next to the van, you never replied to that email, and the piles of paper sit like shifty towers in the living room mocking you. You go to bed at night vaguely uneasy at everything in limbo around you, and the next day is gone before you had time to floss, which you really want to start doing! [OK, this paragraph is legions better the second time through. It sucked to lose my previous work, but I knew even then that it has its benefits.]

Sometimes I think I've just missed something and I'm out of place here and I should leave everything and live a dirty simple life in Fiji or Russia. But I think this is just a point in life where I am pausing and I have to make a definitive and conscious decision to dive back in. I'm still bugged by the feeling that all of this is just wrong and we should be able to take care of everything and have a peaceful bottom to life, but, looking over what I just wrote, I think what Dad says is right (this keeps happening! The man is like a wisdom Gobstopper): It's about priorities. In my little scenario above, you make money, you keep the house and food going with the bills, and you invest in your church and marraige. All of those are fundamentally important, while the dirty walls and piles.. aren't. I'm not quite sure what to do with the feelings that keep nagging me, but I think a crazy over-taxed life that leaves behind godly children, a strengthened church, encouraged friends, and a radiant, loved wife is not wrongly lived. I just wish that that could all be done withOUT the craziness and trainwreck.

If God calls me to something different than the path walked by my father before me and his father before him, I am ready and willing. As far as I can know my heart, I am willing to pull up everything and go anywhere, leaving anything behind (friends, home, studio, 4000 songs, car...), if I know it's God's will. And that's where I'm at right now. There are a dozen things I could go do, but I don't know which is the right path to throw myself into. I've been doing a sucky job at pretty much everything, but that's 'cause I never go whole hog into any one thing. I'm splintered up between 4 instruments, 2 cities, 2 albums, engineering, church, family, and peace. I believe that, to some degree, God needs to show me where to go. Dad reminded me that God's after my heart (yieldedness), and He rarely just unveils all his plans to you and lets you run off, but I do think I need some degree of calling and certainty. My job hunting is half-hearted right now 'cause I'm not confident that I should step into a long-term job. I could pursue travel, perhaps some short-term work to fund such travel, perhaps finishing my album, but none of those can happen without dedication and effort, which I can't give them because I don't know if I should. So, I'm praying, and I just know that God will lead me step by step, even if I'm completely blindfolded and all I know is that there's ground under my foot at the moment.

OK, dude, this is all so WEIRD! Think about it! Here I am talking about life, thinking about all these scenarios in my head like they were little computer games or movies. It's my freaking life! It's not a game! It's not hypothetical! It's not something I can just try out or play with! Everybody out there is living their lives, and I'm sitting here like I'm writing a novel. It feels crazy and utterly unreal right now that God could (and pretty much has to) show me what to do, that I could actually go carry out one of these possibilities. I'm irritated that I'm taking this all so lightly. I feel like a kid who doesn't know what he has and thinks the million dollar china plate is a frisbee. But I'm stuck with what I've got, and, once again, I think there's a great well of power in tooth-and-nails prayer. So I'm going to ask God to show me what to do, in whatever timeframe He knows is best. I'm going to seek a job, a career, a calling, and a wife. And I'm going to knock knock knock on Heaven's door until I can taste and see that the Lord is good.

Right now it's all glossy pages of "Life" magazine.

--Clear Ambassador

P.S. Ladies, be glad you're women! Be glad there are men out there who will toil under the curse all of their days and die worn out, tired and frazzled for God and for you.

P.P.S. A cheery and inane story of something that made me very happy: I always love it when I find out that something I said was really funny. Apparently I made a comment during our first practice with Alex that was one of the funniest things he'd ever heard. We were talking about the tradeoffs of recording in my studio versus Mike's, which is analog (meaning sound is recorded directly onto magnetic tape, never chopped up and digitized and stuck into a computer). Mine is vastly easier to use, but Mike's analog rig gets 100% pro sound quality. So Steve said maybe we could record everything on my studio, mix it down, dump it to a halftrack tape reel, and "turn up the analog" on it. I rolled in my seat laughing, and tried to explain through gasping breaths why that was perhaps the most ignorant comment Steve had ever made. Eventually I reached for an analogy and said"it was like saying "Hey, I want to make this bill, so let's get it into a commitee and **turn up the legislative process**." :-)