This is how it happens

Tonight I sent 5 emails about youth camp stuff, three of them large, long-thought-out ones thick with non-simple questions and items requiring action.

You may wonder, like I did years ago, what *planning youth camp* actually involved (or planning any big event, for that matter). The answer is mostly stuff like this. A lot of other people do things like making specific lists, buying actual items, printing signs, etc., but my role is more looking over it all and figuring out what needs to be decided (and by whom), what needs to be delegated (and to whom), who needs to be involved, and what needs to be communicated to them. This mostly takes place via the thinking involved in writing documents or emails, or in talking to someone on the phone or in person.

Perhaps this level of abstraction isn't interesting to you, but it certainly would have been to me back 5 years ago, as I stood and clapped for Steve Murphy and his mysterious work for youth camp.

If I were an Ohioan...

Note: Skin tight pants not depicted


Hee hee hee hee heeeee :-D

*************************************
Justin, Daniel, if either of you are seeing this right now and getting it... this one was for you :-)
*************************************

PS folks, I'm eating corn.

P.P.S. It's the hair.

Open Issues / Report from the Crew

While I eat my massively greasy JPB-style Steak n Cheese sandwich and listen to Bloc Party thump in the family room, let me give you a similar update to what I gave the fine folks of our care group earlier this evening. (Last night, actually)

As some of you may know or remember, I had rough time with my job last year, feeling (and being) useless, excluded, and awkward all day every day, and being quite miserably unhappy many times.
It would be a disservice to let anyone keep thinking that is the case, and it would rob God of praise and appreciation that is due Him. I had a flash of realization as I walked toward the cullet silo this afternoon, striding by the furnace, pulling my gloves out: Here I am, DOING something! And not because someone told me to or I'm bored and wandering, but because I know what's going on, what needs to happen, and I need to know if the cullet getting run to the silo is wet or not.
I never have nothing to do, and haven't for a long time. I'm staying later and later, more oftener (for better or worse :-/), not because *that's what you do for your career*, but because there's stuff to do! I need to get caught up on the furnace, figure out where they should keep the refiner optical for the night, get the vibe at the tin bath, and finish my email to everybody summing up the day and instructing the night shift. There are days I walk around feeling like a million bucks, with a little inkling of thinking that maybe I'm a for-real working man, to stand next to people like Al and Earl and K-dog.
The coexistant flipside is the days like Wednesday, when I left the tin bath control room spewing violent frustration under my breath all the way to and around the furnace. That crew makes me feel like I'm being constantly mocked and laughed at by everyone, and I'm helplessly oblivious, with no respect and probably some animosity. Grates like fingernails on a chalkboard every second I'm around a certain group of the guys. And you know why they mock and ignore and discount me? Because I stink at this job! I can't make a single freaking decision on my own! Every step I think to take is wrong, and I just trip over myself again and dig myself deeper and miss some OTHER obvious thing. For the love of goodness, I can look at the furnace sheet for 30 minutes and turn away and not remember a single number! Bumbling over myself trying to report to superiors in the morning meeting, missing key factors in decisions, and utterly being NOT EARL. (My boss)
There is always at least a lurking fraction of that feeling during the days, but it is solidly overshadowed by the business and occasional satisfaction I described above it. Praise the Lord, even after a big Akron weekend flush with musical success, there was not one shred of unhappiness in going to work Monday morning. I didn't realize the degree of this blessing 'till I said it at care group. I can't remember the last time I didn't want to come to work, or not even mind or think about it. It's a real environment to me--alive with people, a dynamic & intriguing process, things to do, places to be, and good times to be had.
Now if I could just suck in a bunch of experience, flush out my brain's circuitry with contact cleaner, and be genuinely able to run the hot end! Untill I'm there, I am ill at ease.

That sandwich was SO GOOD ! I can feel the grease coming out of my pores already, but it was worth it. Mmmm. Yes, while everyone at work weighs in for the "Biggest Loser" competition, I'm running my own personal "Biggest Winner" campaign :-) So far I'm losing.

The second part of my update concerned the continuing drama of my spiritual quest.
Right now I'm in a good time. The best since last spring. So I don't want to recount and write down all the doubts, unanswered questions, self pity, victimization, sin, despair, dryness, deadness, and hopelessness I have been wading around in. Sometimes they have climbed up and ruled my day, but more often I walk about happily, even forgetting that at the end of the day, in the great gaping solitude of night, I have no real sureness that God actually exists, and the objective measures of my spiritual life are a thin film of oil on the dirty rainy ground... if you could even call it a spiritual life.
Dad reminds me that, be that all as it may, I am doing many objectively valuable and spiritually right things: serving a lot at church, not rebelling against home or parents or Christian friends, and not ditching the deep wisdom and provision of a solid job and chasing the fleeting fancies that get me all in a tizzy sometimes. At times I wrench at that very unchangingness, but in the end I suppose it's better to err on this side. ?. ??. I suppose. Dang folks, that one is hard.
But oh yeah -- this is a good time :-) It is! It started with a message about God's Word by Mike Pierson, from which God gave me a frank, "oh yeah.. let's do this" attitude that has resulted in reading Proverbs almost every night, genuinely poring down the pages for that great lady Wisdom that God extolls. I finally (i.e. God's inexplicable and independent grace) implemented the nagging feeling that I'm filling my head with music every spare moment, and not-God-things input = not-God-things mind and output. I've been listening to John Piper sermons to and from work, and they have been a key, humanly-persuasive (oh so persuasive!) voice inspiring me and making me feel like God is actually >real<. Struck with simple inspiration from a message on prayer, I have been getting together with Mike Q once a week to pray. To agree on earth concerning things, and change the world. Yeah! God has dropped frank faith on me for this, and looking at Jeremiah 39:12-14, I get a wisp of delicious hope that maybe things will actually change someday, and God "will be found by me." The jury is still out, and time will tell.
For now, I'm happy to be in a good time, and I'm ok with the unanswered questions hanging out there, and the lack of experience waiting to be resolved.

Now I have the microwaved rice bag sitting on my feet to try to keep them warm as cold air gradually fills the house. It's 2 am, and the heat kicks back to 50-something degrees way before then. Fingers cold, fleece zipped up to my chin... I'm flirting with sickness again, which apparently is nothing trite for my non-hardy body. Sucks to be someone like that.

Lastly, lest I forget such a great trip, here's the past weekend in Akron:
Earl let me go at noon Friday. I'm still surprised at how giddily good it felt to just DRIVE AWAY, halfway through the day!
We worked in the Chima's basement, which was lovely. I'll forever savor the mental image of the wood on the walls, the carpets on the floor-- couches on the far side, drums in the foreground, computer on the side ledge, cables and bags and pedals clogging the floor, long shadows in the darkness from the yellow lights across the room, the creeping seeping cold as the day got old, and the minutes of glorious warmth when the heater came on.
It was a weekend of low lows and dizzy highs. The lows are when limited time is already too much past, the part you're working on bears down on your shoulders with the weight of all the work it will still take to get it right, and the performance factor eats at your heart with fear since you could spend forever and even drive yourself further from actually playing it right in real time, when the record button is down. Oh that kills like little else. Just sucks you away on every level. But then I'd try the metronome in my headphones and suddenly KNOW that I could play those drums perfectly, perfectly on beat; and sit down there and beat them out and look at those six tracks on the computer and know that we had those drums! There, down for good, every time we play them back. I'm still dumbstruck by Brian's FLAWLESS and seamless double-tracking of his rhythm guitar (recording the same part over again on top of itself, exactly the same as he played it before. EXACTLY.), and I still relish the sweetness of those solid drums, bass and guitars together at the end of Saturday night. Sunday we finished the arrangement and recorded the last half of the song, which evolved through the entire weekend into something that has been stirring me almost to tears every time I listen to it. More travail, more crushing despair, and more exhilirating highs, ending with a movie-like scene where Steve sang out a flawless, perfect-pitch vocal track down in the dim basement as I sat in the chair and listened in increasing excitement and awe. As far as I'm concerned, this song blows away all of our previous material in terms of musical unity and vibrancy, and emotional depth and power.
Uh, other small details, we watched a stirring movie Friday night at the cheap theater with some folks, and Sunday I got up at 8:30 and had the first relaxed, pleasant Sunday morning in the past... 2 years? At least that I can remember. Long shower, non-stressed getting dressed and out the door, Starbucks, and time to talk at church. Wow!
Oh, and the weekend ended with the worst drive home ever. There is no reason I did not crash many times, and I never ever want to be that miserable and deathly sleepy and helpless again. I had to get home, I had to work the next day, I had to drive. Ugh, recounting it is unpleasant. Was it worth it for the song? I would not do it differently. Given another similar situation, I will cut the fun, pack it up, and head home. May 4:30 endure as the latest I ever get back home from Akron.

Ohh, the song has been delighting my heart! It's called "Sweeping Me," and I rescued it from being another stupid girl song and spurred us to these lyrics, with which I will end this post. I wrote most of the verses, which completed the preexisting chorus and bridge. It's basically an honest song about the tentative bud of love in our real Christian lives.

V1
How alike, how alone
How much longer, I want to know
Down in my heart, tucked away
Maybe we're meant for each other some day
But it's

CH
Sweeping me and sweeping you too
Hold on tight as I hold on too
'Cause the lights are singing, singing in you
The night it wonders, would you, could you?
Sweeping me and sweeping you too
Hold on tight as I hold on too
'Cause the lights are singing, singing in you
And the night it wonders would you?
Would you?
Would you?
Would you.

V2
You don't see, you don't know
What I wish, I could show
Wait and see, what might be
Falling for me as I've fallen for you
'Cause it's (CH)

Bridge
So this is how
The stars in the sky are shining like I feel now
So this is how
The clouds in the sky are drifting like I feel now


Because of this post I will have to sleep in very long tomorrow and will not get much done before Fuse fun night. But it's worth it, because somehow expression like this gives me great peace as life passes on and by. Seasons like this, weekends like this, little things like making myself a cool philly steak sandwich at midnight after care group and listening to new music while Daisy sleeps on the couch and the fire flickers away are not lost once I get these words down. The memory is stored to revisit and relive and benefit from in the future, and I can relax and know it's here.

It's a crazy game we play, this game that we call life.
We sit and speculate, as the days go by, the days go by

--JPB

What kind of friend is Mike Q?

I just spent the last two fifths of the day with Mike Q. I went to his apartment straight from work and we went out to dinner and talked and came back and hung out some more and then prayed together to change the world (as we want to do every week).
It was a great night, on many levels.
One of which was what a good friend Mike is.

So what kind of friend is he?

The best I can do is give an example:
He's the one I think about texting when I put the stuff away that I got at Walgreens, stuff up the bag in my hand and stick it out in the holder in the garage, close the door.. then open it back up and get the bag out of the holder and put it in the kitchen garbage can, which I just emptied and should have known needed a new bag.

So pointless. (Dumb, as Mike would say). but really funny in an odd, small sort of way.
Almost anybody I can think of would either try to *thinkit'sfunny* and make too much of it, or else notthinkit'sfunny and either ignore it, or do some uncomfortable sort of laugh, or some other unpleasing thing.
And I think that's what sets Mike apart amongst my friends: I know how he will respond, and I can pretty much tell him anything, and not worry about it. From the smallest of the small, to the biggest of the big, to the weirdest bits of humor; it all goes out and I have no concern for whether he will think bad of me, or be awkward, or make me feel awkward, or whatever.
It's pretty cool, and I'm pretty glad to have that!

******************************

Tonight was sweet. And I say that with emphasis and triumph. I was the kind of person I wish I could be sometimes ... meeting a friend for dinner at a super-culturey-cool Ethiopian restaurant in a collegy-type chic area [The kind of place where I feel I fit in when I wear my scarf]..
sitting and talking for ages about characteristics of our jobs and sharing stories to demonstrate them..
eating FANTASTIC food, then stopping at Walgreens and finding the most amazing candy ever (SweetTarts jelly beans. It's the dextrose.) plus other things of an exciting, "oh man I found this!" nature..
listening to the new Pure Boss song again and having Mike appreciate it at a level similar to my own,
then talking to Steve-O for a long time on the phone bantering about band stuff and such, then talking more with Mike, and ending with heartfelt prayer for several major, pointed items...
agreeing on Earth concerning things so they will be done for us by our Father in Heaven (Matthew 18:19). Prayers that can change the world. Inspired by John Piper.

I wish there was a punctuation mark for putting your fist down on the table in emphasis. It would be a useful add-on to the exclamation point. 'Cause I would use it to put my fist down and say this night was SWEET!

Perhaps we could call it a "stoked mark."

--JPB

P.S. The best I've found is an underline behind and before. Please to observe....

When small groups of Christians get together and pray to God for things, they.change.the ._world_.       Exclamation point.

This is how time goes by

Every day begins the same: I wake up at 7am (or 6:30 if I have to take a shower), dress, pack food, and leave too long after 7:30 to feel comfortable. I roll into work about 8, and don't leave until 5 or 5:30 most days. That part is always the same. Now to look back and answer the question "What happens to all these days??"

Here is the recent past and upcoming future:

• Wednesday and Thursday (2 weeks ago) - worked night shift, 6pm to 6am. Got up at 3:30pm both days, hit Chick-Fil-A for... "meal".. (brunchinner?) and quiet time, and went to work. Great days. Other than the mad back pain. The night is MY TIME baby!
• Friday - I planned to go to Grove City for the night, but the timing wasn't working out, and my back was getting impossible to ignore or "push through." So I laid around and rested and wasted time. Bleah.
• Saturday - College Night. Which takes up basically the whole day by the time I sleep in, get some food, shower, and pack up what I'm bringing. Wrote and recorded a pretty good demo of "Hey Girls" that night.. up till 3:30am.
• Sunday - Church, then Grove City students over for a long lunch. Much-needed nap, then to the Calanos for the Super Bowl. Yay Giants!
• Monday - Doctor's appointment for my back at 3:45. Got home past dinnertime, ate some, then hit the couch with the hot rice bag, a blanket, a beagle, my good headphones, and 12GB of music. Fell asleep sometime around 9 o'clock and slept through till morning.
• Tuesday - Went to the Piersons after work for dinner and the first YC08 meeting with Mr. Pierson. Kick-off drum lesson with Mitch. Got home around 11.
• Wednesday - Dinner at home, and prayer with Mike at his place at 8:30. Something kept me from leaving on time for that, but I can't remember. Something like folding laundry. It was a fractional night.
• Thursday - Met Nate Dogg at Taco Bell for dinner, then back home to jam with him and Steve Gole.
• Friday - Erin's party! Went to the Piersons from work, showered and dressed up, hit the party, then Mikey came home with me, but we were too tired to do much. Good dancing.
• Saturday - Up at noon, which left 4 hours before Fuse after lunch was said and done. I did everything I wanted to in that time except starting to catalog my wild greasy-haired collection of recordings. I did make and pack my dinner for the night, which I was proud of. Yay for not caving in to paying for fast food! I left at 4. Lawrence Music to pick up my amp, church office for YC planning, Fuse, home, writing and demo-ing a song about the ridiculous profusion of cameras amongst teens. Bed at 3:30am.
• Sunday (today) - Drums, church, then to Lynn Noll's for a care group fellowship. It was a great time getting to know folks, and Lynn's house and pets are great. Home at 5:15. Steve Gole came for dinner, and we jammed till 10:30. Came up with a sweet 3-layer synth loop, which we played for 37 minutes straight. Poor Mom and Dad.
• Monday - Prayer here w/ Mikey and maybe Nate.
• Tuesday - YC07 review meeting at 6 with MP, Miikey Q and Katie Calano.
• Wednesday - Basketball after work. We'll see how my back's doing.
• Thursday - Looks free at the moment. Probably jam with Golinski.
• Friday - **Hopefully** leave work early and go to AKRON!! for a full weekend of recording.

And thusly flyeth by three weeks of life.

So where does the time go? Scanning the outline above, it looks like my priorities are church life and music. I also fill many hours' worth of "in-between" time with familyness. -- being down in the family room doing computer stuff, laying down on the couch, playing with Daisy, playing piano, and occasionally reading or folding laundry. It's not really *doing* anything per se, but I do not believe it is wasted time, and I do not choose to isolate myself from our family, which would be the effective result if I spent every bit of time on music (or something else). I'm also happy to have a night or two per week dedicated to jamming or recording, which has not always been the case, and which is yielding solid benefits musically.

Should I, will I, "make something of myself" musically? The prospect of making a full-fledged album of my songs is colossally daunting, and I almost fear the huge fraction of time and effort it would necessarily demand from my life. I think I will do it eventually, though, and I'd better do it before I marry and settle down (if that's God's will). I could play coffeehouses and the like, but that requires much focused practice, and I'm spending my musical time on free creativity: recording demos to get the songs in my head onto hard disk, and stretching my limits on synth and electric guitar with Steve. I consider creative generation a more mystical, uncontrollable and elusive thing than practiced performace, so I am taking every moment of the former that I can get. I feel that the latter may come down the road, depending on how my life changes in the coming years.

This "aerial view" of my time expenditure serves to clarify what I've been feeling recently: peace with my choices. The part of me that is dying to DO something--make something of myself--is subdued, and a calculation of what I would have to dispense of to fit more music or more travel in leaves me pretty happy with the balance I'm striking right now.

So, I guess I should say that I have peace right now.

!

My prayer of a month ago is answered (at the moment). Nice!

--JPB

Looking Forward

There are two things I'm impatiently anticipating right now. One is unusual for me to look forward to, and the other I'm looking forward to for an unusual reason.

Exercising
It has now been more than 6 weeks since I have been able to work out in any manner. I had a cold leading into New Years, then I got bronchitis at work, which lasted well into January. Right as that was clearing up, I began to get an odd knot in my back, between my spine and right shoulder blade. It started out feeling like a marble stuck in there, and it kept not going away. Then I did some heavy lifting and took a few shifts on grinders at work, and that threw my back into orbit. I dealt with pretty bad pain that weekend--it hurt every time I breathed in or moved--, and went to the doctor on Monday. The X-rays didn't show any misalignment, and the Doc prescibed a muscle relaxant and hardcore antiinflammatory to address what she thought was a muscle contusion. I wasn't thrilled, but it turns out she was right, and the next day I felt 50% better. A couple days into the pills and I was effectively back to normal! Plus I'd get a nice, chill, almost-dizzy buzz after each meal's dose :-)
I feel like a pale, sickly shrunken noodle, and I can't wait to ease back into walking on the treadmill and pumping some IRON. I hope this desire stays with me, 'cause that would really help in doing it consistently. For now, I'm cautiously doing some pushups, and we'll go from there.

Summer
Of course.
Duh.
But this year it's different, and a lot stronger than the years when I looked forward to school being over. I've been wishing to >>do<< different things when I hang out with people, rather than sit in a house or a restaurant and chit chat or entertain ourselves with media. Influenced by Ken's example and a deep desire to see the sky, I keep wanting to do things outside. Got a free Saturday morning/afternoon? Let's drive to Raccoon Creek State Park and hike around! Drive out an hour into the country and explore! Got an hour after dinner? Walk around some old stately neighborhoods around Squirrel Hill! Sit outside in some secret vantage point perched on a Pittsburgh hillside!
But all of this doesn't work too well when it's grey, wet and cold outside. Hence my pacing at the gate, waiting for spring to show up.

I hope both these desires remain when they're able to be fulfilled. If they do, I could do some really worthwhile things in the coming months.

Just . . . get here summer!

--JPB