Here are two little snippets that give an idea of where I'm at in the grand scheme of life right now, and what kind of thoughs are pinging through my brain. The first is from a note Grandpa Ken wrote me for our celebration of my graduation. I include it because these sentences struck me like a bell, tolling the weight of the coming days and weeks (e.g. tomorrow).
----------------------------
. . .
Your future now stands before
you. Choose your path wisely.
Love,
Grandpa Ken
----------------------------
The second is my articulate response to the question, "What's the difference between a boy and a man?"
----------------------------
Boys are in training to bear responsibility. Men bear it.
Boys ride home in the car. Men drive the car, maintain it, and they bought it three years ago with five thousand dollars of their own money.
Boys do chores for a few minutes each day. Men do chores 8 hours a day.
Boys are blown around with every feeling and happening. Men have seen more of how the world works, and they ride the waves.
Boys have devotions because Mom and Dad say they should.
Young men have devotions becaue their spiritual lives depend on it.
Men have devotions because their wife and kids' spiritual lives depend on it.
Boys do what they want with their time. Men have no time
----------------------------
A time like this usually comes only once in a human's lifetime, if he's even fortunate enough to have a choice of his path. If I didn't believe in the God of the Bible, and if I didn't have my family to live Him out in front of me, I would be nervous and anxious beyond words. As it is, I know I can't fail, because He stands with me and His purposes will never fail. To say that's my only hope is to hang a bridge of truth upon a hair-thin cliche.
Temperate-lengthed post! Duuuuude.
--Clear Ambassador
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
The Chosen Five
There were five.
Five among dozens.
Five who braved ferocious storms and ceaseless battering.
Five who got screwed by their lousy online schedules.
Five who had to take design and control at the same time.
I was one of five, and barring the hyperbole of dramatacism, it was indeed a very difficult semester I was faced with this fall. I faced it with Charlie, Drew, Jewel, and Willis. Charlie and I go way back - back to the Team Bloat days with Jenna and Joam in Transport and Kinetics. Drew has been a co-op at NOVA with me for my last 3 rotations. Jewel I knew of, but didn't really know, and Willis.. Dave Willis.. well, with a name like that he couldn't help but be the man :-)
There were 15 other people in control, but only us five for design and health & safety. We spent many many hours down in B72, the basement ChemE computer lab, hashing out progress reports or putting together laborious H&S reports. When everybody else was down there worrying about the monstrous impossible process control homework, we were worrying about that plus tomorrow's progress report on exergy plus the 38-page health & safety draft due Friday.
The groups were formed as soon as we walked into the classroom at 8am Monday morning in late August. Willis, Drew and Jewel were over at a computer desk on the right side of the room, and Charlie was sitting at the left front desk. Thus team Willis coalesced, and Charlie and I joined forces yet again. I consider myself fortunate to have had him as my partner. He works extrememly diligently, and I don't have to worry about being cool around him. I suppose from the outside we're both ChemE nerd dorks who pool our dorkiness and are very uncool. But from the inside we're like brothers--don't have to worry about what you say or do, just work, joke, blow off steam, and get done what needs to get done. Exactly my style :-) Team Willis always finished their work before us, and we were usually late - for classes and assignments. I kinda feel bad for that, but it's how it happened, and our professors were gracious. And in the end I think we turned in better work, or at least as good.
So, with that backdrop, let me usher you down to B72 early on a crisp and frosty Monday morning. We hop up the 4-foot ledge at the truck loading docks underneath big grey Benedum and walk in the door to the loading foyer. Pull through the double doors, pass the drinking fountain and bathrooms on the right, face left, and punch in the code at the door of the lab. It's really not a lab, it's a computer classroom. Two-story-high ceiling with innocuous vents and pipes running around, 15-foot screen in front of the extra-long blackboard on the wall at our left. The instructor's desk, rounded by it's brushed metal ledge, is tucked back in that corner. On the right are the desks - 9-foot long semicircles with two computers in each and chairs scattered around them. Most of the chairs have formed a herd in the back of the room, over by the printers, unused and out of the way. The desk right at our right is me and Charlie's--he sits by the wall and I sit by the aisle. Team Willis sits at the second desk on the other side of the room. But they're not here now. Charlie and I sit at our desk, typing, leaning back and sighing, and leaning in again to the screens and keyboards. The strange thing is, it doesn't seem like a classroom at all. Books and backpacks are littered around like a dorm room, and the whole room flickers and glows in the warm light of Christmas lights and a crackling fire. Julie Andrews sings with spirit undimmed by her bleak listeners, and the media player visualization flickers warm flame on the giant projector screen. Colored lights circumnavigate the blackboard, and a string of white lights is taped around the instructor's desk. Even though it's 4am and the new day is starting, you can't help but feel pretty cozy tucked down there in the basement, carpet under your feet, open computers, a classroom at your command, a locked door if you want to close it, and a clearly-defined task steadily chipping away under your efforts. It doesn't feel at all as though you've been sitting at that desk since 3:30 Sunday afternoon, that the Steelers have played and won, night has come and gone, and workers are waking and starting their days. You know that there are five more hours until the report is due, and you will need all of them to get close to finishing it, but you don't think about it enough to realize it. You just keep scanning the marked-up progress report on Pipes and making changes to the document on the screen. Every once in a while you or Charlie kick back and make some comment about how ridiculous some of the comments are, or bust out some South Park quote, but by this time you're pretty much in a zone, and there's not much talk except for questions about the report.
Taking the liberty of the omnipotent narrator, we now sweep past those five hours, rush up the 13-story staircase, round the corner past Parker's office, and pull up in front of the Chemical Engineering main office. Charlie and I weakly greet Dr. Enick and Dr. Parker, whom I salute and call "masters," since they have ruled our lives for the past 4 months. We hand Dr. Enick the light blue 1.5-inch three-ring binder, exchange a few words, and turn towards the elevators. The sun is already well risen over the convoluted hospital buildings of Oakland outside the 12th floor window next to us. 18 hours ago I drove down to campus from a brief nap after church, and now I roll back down those roads, for one of the last times. I'm not tired, just zoned out. My nose started dripping around 6am, and my throat has gotten scratchy, and my rear end is sore from sitting for so long, but I'm plenty alert. It's a pretty strange feeling, but not unpleasant. I'm actually glad I got to do such a crazy thing at the end of my college career, and I'm amazed that it actually was that much work, for that long, and we did it.
Two days later, after the dreaded process control final kicked our butts from 11am to 2pm, Charlie and I finished the last edits to the 92-page Chemical Engineering Plant Design final report, printed out the remaining pages, and under the recording eye of my cell phone camera signed the cover letter and plopped it in the holder outside Dr. Enicks office, thus ending our undergraduate careers.
OK, I think I'm done with the story. There's more I want to say, and it's too clusmy to put it in that kind of clothing. Yes, 14 design progress reports culminated in a crazy all-nighter down in B72 putting them all together into the final report draft. We got an A in the class. Team Willis turned their final report in one hour before we did :-)
There's one other picture I want to take you to, actually. When I think of this semester, that comfortable and friendly image of B72 is the primary one that comes to mind. I also strongly think of parking my car around Oakland - waiting for spots to open up on Atwood, finding a meterless 4-hour spot on Bellefield, and that sweet sweet feeling of slipping into a spot where you know you're set for the day. I sorta think of sitting up in the 12-floor classroom listening to Parker's performance lectures. But one of the stirling memories is down in the darkened basement room of Fuel & Fuddle, a popular Oakland bar and pizza place. Twenty-some chemical engineer students sit around tables and on benches, faces fixed on the screen at one end, listening intently to people talk about hot wort, mash tuns, yeast collection patterns and heat exchangers. After a month of excruciating work on the Process Control project, we have all made it here--our presentations are in Dr. Parker's briefcase and we're presenting our work to the class. What I want you to see is the attention to the presenters; the quality of the graphs and discussions; and the questions. Dr. Parker only had to ask a few the whole time. After the end of every 10-minute presentation hands shot up all around the room and points were raised, discussed and usually answered. Fuel & Fuddle employees slipped through occasionally, and a few patrons passed by on their way to the restrooms, and I wonder what they thought. Uber-weird, probably :-) But I was proud of us. After getting beaten around by two exams with F-grade averages, merciless homeworks and brutal lectures, we had risen to this project and kicked it squarely in the heine. Non-linear simulation using grad-student-level matlab code? Barebones project information and difficult research? Gruelling controller tuning to achieve stability? Harsh time limit on the presentations? Cold steely questions from the super-intelligent Parker? We ate 'em all for breakfast :-)
Parker himself agreed with me the following day about the quality of the projects and participation. It was by far the best project he had ever seen in his 8 (I think) years of teaching this class. And my team's paper was by far the best of the bunch. Those words settled a tremendous weight of failure, uncertainty and hope inside of me. I had worked myself to the bone the night before pulling our paper together and tightening up the analysis. We had killed ourselves Thanksgiving week to get the filter and pasteurizer models working, and now we had a bunch of closed-loop controller responses to interpret and discuss. We threw all kinds of disturbances at our system once we had it designed and simulated, to see if it could handle it. Our beer pasteurizer came out with flying colors, and I covered every single base with our assumptions, decisions, and reasons. At every point I unconsciously asked myself "What would Parker ask here?", and then proceeded to answer it. The paper was 38 pages, but it was perfect, and to have Parker realize and acknowledge that meant more to me than every A+ I earned in college (and I earned 15).
That project was the best-whipped-into-shape that I have been since Critical Writing last fall and Organic Chemistry the summer before that. And those three are the academic pinnacles of my college career. A close fourth is Thermo 2, where I lived in Chapter 11 of the book and plunged my brain again and again into fugacity and gibbs free energy and all the hateful abstract concepts of thermodynamics until I actually understood them and got an A+ in the course. Those were the four times I had something really hard to do and I squared it up, took it on, and came out successful. I came to realize at the end of this semester that that is one of the best things you can do in life, even though it's always hard, discouraging and hateful at some point along the way. Now that I'm graduated, I miss that kind of clear-cut challenge within the relatively safe confines of academia. I miss the prospect of hanging out with the students whom I've finally gotten to know and who've gotten to know me. I wish for more of the heedless expenditure of time on things that have no choice but to be done, yet are pretty much independent and fun as you do them. Real life seems a good bit harsher and less interesting, but I suppose it will turn out to be just as rewarding once I get into it.
So yeah - down there in Fuel & Fuddle, our class glowed with professionalism, quality and solid scientific behavior. It makes me very happy to think of us down there. After all the misery and failure in process control, we proved our capabilities there, and Parker saw it and acknowledged it gladly. I talked to Dr. Parker the next week about the course and some of the comments I had developed over the months. We ended up talking for almost 2 hours, and I got to share, completely, coherently and demonstratively, exactly the things that had bothered me about him and how he ran the course, and together we considered them and how they could be addressed. At the end he thanked me heartily and said he'd never been given such well-thought out and considerate feedback, removed from emotions and didactic in nature. That was likewise very rewarding, because the unsettledness of being in what appeared to be a mismanaged class was relieved, and I came out really believing that Parker is a solid guy.
Baugh, this post has become an untidy and obese growth of text. It doesn't even talk about final's week (and the harder week before that) chronologically. But, I think it carries most of the spirit of this last month and semester of classes, and that's what I really want to remember. I think of B72 affectionately, and I have great memories of working with Charlie and my other groups, and the fun times down in the lab with everbody focused on a common assignment. It has been probably the best sememster of college in that respect, even as it has been the most miserable at times and the most difficult by far. I'm glad to have ended out my academic life on a genuine note--a hard challenge well met. We'll see what the coming weeks hold, and I'll write later about this whole 5-day trip to Akron that I just got back from :-)
If anybody has read this far, I'm amazed at you and you deserve a smoothie. This post has taken full liberties of the "for future John" purpose of this blog. It's been a great time of life these past months, and perhaps I'll come up with a more succinct and vibrant way of describing it some other time.
--Clear Ambassador
Five among dozens.
Five who braved ferocious storms and ceaseless battering.
Five who got screwed by their lousy online schedules.
Five who had to take design and control at the same time.
I was one of five, and barring the hyperbole of dramatacism, it was indeed a very difficult semester I was faced with this fall. I faced it with Charlie, Drew, Jewel, and Willis. Charlie and I go way back - back to the Team Bloat days with Jenna and Joam in Transport and Kinetics. Drew has been a co-op at NOVA with me for my last 3 rotations. Jewel I knew of, but didn't really know, and Willis.. Dave Willis.. well, with a name like that he couldn't help but be the man :-)
There were 15 other people in control, but only us five for design and health & safety. We spent many many hours down in B72, the basement ChemE computer lab, hashing out progress reports or putting together laborious H&S reports. When everybody else was down there worrying about the monstrous impossible process control homework, we were worrying about that plus tomorrow's progress report on exergy plus the 38-page health & safety draft due Friday.
The groups were formed as soon as we walked into the classroom at 8am Monday morning in late August. Willis, Drew and Jewel were over at a computer desk on the right side of the room, and Charlie was sitting at the left front desk. Thus team Willis coalesced, and Charlie and I joined forces yet again. I consider myself fortunate to have had him as my partner. He works extrememly diligently, and I don't have to worry about being cool around him. I suppose from the outside we're both ChemE nerd dorks who pool our dorkiness and are very uncool. But from the inside we're like brothers--don't have to worry about what you say or do, just work, joke, blow off steam, and get done what needs to get done. Exactly my style :-) Team Willis always finished their work before us, and we were usually late - for classes and assignments. I kinda feel bad for that, but it's how it happened, and our professors were gracious. And in the end I think we turned in better work, or at least as good.
So, with that backdrop, let me usher you down to B72 early on a crisp and frosty Monday morning. We hop up the 4-foot ledge at the truck loading docks underneath big grey Benedum and walk in the door to the loading foyer. Pull through the double doors, pass the drinking fountain and bathrooms on the right, face left, and punch in the code at the door of the lab. It's really not a lab, it's a computer classroom. Two-story-high ceiling with innocuous vents and pipes running around, 15-foot screen in front of the extra-long blackboard on the wall at our left. The instructor's desk, rounded by it's brushed metal ledge, is tucked back in that corner. On the right are the desks - 9-foot long semicircles with two computers in each and chairs scattered around them. Most of the chairs have formed a herd in the back of the room, over by the printers, unused and out of the way. The desk right at our right is me and Charlie's--he sits by the wall and I sit by the aisle. Team Willis sits at the second desk on the other side of the room. But they're not here now. Charlie and I sit at our desk, typing, leaning back and sighing, and leaning in again to the screens and keyboards. The strange thing is, it doesn't seem like a classroom at all. Books and backpacks are littered around like a dorm room, and the whole room flickers and glows in the warm light of Christmas lights and a crackling fire. Julie Andrews sings with spirit undimmed by her bleak listeners, and the media player visualization flickers warm flame on the giant projector screen. Colored lights circumnavigate the blackboard, and a string of white lights is taped around the instructor's desk. Even though it's 4am and the new day is starting, you can't help but feel pretty cozy tucked down there in the basement, carpet under your feet, open computers, a classroom at your command, a locked door if you want to close it, and a clearly-defined task steadily chipping away under your efforts. It doesn't feel at all as though you've been sitting at that desk since 3:30 Sunday afternoon, that the Steelers have played and won, night has come and gone, and workers are waking and starting their days. You know that there are five more hours until the report is due, and you will need all of them to get close to finishing it, but you don't think about it enough to realize it. You just keep scanning the marked-up progress report on Pipes and making changes to the document on the screen. Every once in a while you or Charlie kick back and make some comment about how ridiculous some of the comments are, or bust out some South Park quote, but by this time you're pretty much in a zone, and there's not much talk except for questions about the report.
Taking the liberty of the omnipotent narrator, we now sweep past those five hours, rush up the 13-story staircase, round the corner past Parker's office, and pull up in front of the Chemical Engineering main office. Charlie and I weakly greet Dr. Enick and Dr. Parker, whom I salute and call "masters," since they have ruled our lives for the past 4 months. We hand Dr. Enick the light blue 1.5-inch three-ring binder, exchange a few words, and turn towards the elevators. The sun is already well risen over the convoluted hospital buildings of Oakland outside the 12th floor window next to us. 18 hours ago I drove down to campus from a brief nap after church, and now I roll back down those roads, for one of the last times. I'm not tired, just zoned out. My nose started dripping around 6am, and my throat has gotten scratchy, and my rear end is sore from sitting for so long, but I'm plenty alert. It's a pretty strange feeling, but not unpleasant. I'm actually glad I got to do such a crazy thing at the end of my college career, and I'm amazed that it actually was that much work, for that long, and we did it.
Two days later, after the dreaded process control final kicked our butts from 11am to 2pm, Charlie and I finished the last edits to the 92-page Chemical Engineering Plant Design final report, printed out the remaining pages, and under the recording eye of my cell phone camera signed the cover letter and plopped it in the holder outside Dr. Enicks office, thus ending our undergraduate careers.
OK, I think I'm done with the story. There's more I want to say, and it's too clusmy to put it in that kind of clothing. Yes, 14 design progress reports culminated in a crazy all-nighter down in B72 putting them all together into the final report draft. We got an A in the class. Team Willis turned their final report in one hour before we did :-)
There's one other picture I want to take you to, actually. When I think of this semester, that comfortable and friendly image of B72 is the primary one that comes to mind. I also strongly think of parking my car around Oakland - waiting for spots to open up on Atwood, finding a meterless 4-hour spot on Bellefield, and that sweet sweet feeling of slipping into a spot where you know you're set for the day. I sorta think of sitting up in the 12-floor classroom listening to Parker's performance lectures. But one of the stirling memories is down in the darkened basement room of Fuel & Fuddle, a popular Oakland bar and pizza place. Twenty-some chemical engineer students sit around tables and on benches, faces fixed on the screen at one end, listening intently to people talk about hot wort, mash tuns, yeast collection patterns and heat exchangers. After a month of excruciating work on the Process Control project, we have all made it here--our presentations are in Dr. Parker's briefcase and we're presenting our work to the class. What I want you to see is the attention to the presenters; the quality of the graphs and discussions; and the questions. Dr. Parker only had to ask a few the whole time. After the end of every 10-minute presentation hands shot up all around the room and points were raised, discussed and usually answered. Fuel & Fuddle employees slipped through occasionally, and a few patrons passed by on their way to the restrooms, and I wonder what they thought. Uber-weird, probably :-) But I was proud of us. After getting beaten around by two exams with F-grade averages, merciless homeworks and brutal lectures, we had risen to this project and kicked it squarely in the heine. Non-linear simulation using grad-student-level matlab code? Barebones project information and difficult research? Gruelling controller tuning to achieve stability? Harsh time limit on the presentations? Cold steely questions from the super-intelligent Parker? We ate 'em all for breakfast :-)
Parker himself agreed with me the following day about the quality of the projects and participation. It was by far the best project he had ever seen in his 8 (I think) years of teaching this class. And my team's paper was by far the best of the bunch. Those words settled a tremendous weight of failure, uncertainty and hope inside of me. I had worked myself to the bone the night before pulling our paper together and tightening up the analysis. We had killed ourselves Thanksgiving week to get the filter and pasteurizer models working, and now we had a bunch of closed-loop controller responses to interpret and discuss. We threw all kinds of disturbances at our system once we had it designed and simulated, to see if it could handle it. Our beer pasteurizer came out with flying colors, and I covered every single base with our assumptions, decisions, and reasons. At every point I unconsciously asked myself "What would Parker ask here?", and then proceeded to answer it. The paper was 38 pages, but it was perfect, and to have Parker realize and acknowledge that meant more to me than every A+ I earned in college (and I earned 15).
That project was the best-whipped-into-shape that I have been since Critical Writing last fall and Organic Chemistry the summer before that. And those three are the academic pinnacles of my college career. A close fourth is Thermo 2, where I lived in Chapter 11 of the book and plunged my brain again and again into fugacity and gibbs free energy and all the hateful abstract concepts of thermodynamics until I actually understood them and got an A+ in the course. Those were the four times I had something really hard to do and I squared it up, took it on, and came out successful. I came to realize at the end of this semester that that is one of the best things you can do in life, even though it's always hard, discouraging and hateful at some point along the way. Now that I'm graduated, I miss that kind of clear-cut challenge within the relatively safe confines of academia. I miss the prospect of hanging out with the students whom I've finally gotten to know and who've gotten to know me. I wish for more of the heedless expenditure of time on things that have no choice but to be done, yet are pretty much independent and fun as you do them. Real life seems a good bit harsher and less interesting, but I suppose it will turn out to be just as rewarding once I get into it.
So yeah - down there in Fuel & Fuddle, our class glowed with professionalism, quality and solid scientific behavior. It makes me very happy to think of us down there. After all the misery and failure in process control, we proved our capabilities there, and Parker saw it and acknowledged it gladly. I talked to Dr. Parker the next week about the course and some of the comments I had developed over the months. We ended up talking for almost 2 hours, and I got to share, completely, coherently and demonstratively, exactly the things that had bothered me about him and how he ran the course, and together we considered them and how they could be addressed. At the end he thanked me heartily and said he'd never been given such well-thought out and considerate feedback, removed from emotions and didactic in nature. That was likewise very rewarding, because the unsettledness of being in what appeared to be a mismanaged class was relieved, and I came out really believing that Parker is a solid guy.
Baugh, this post has become an untidy and obese growth of text. It doesn't even talk about final's week (and the harder week before that) chronologically. But, I think it carries most of the spirit of this last month and semester of classes, and that's what I really want to remember. I think of B72 affectionately, and I have great memories of working with Charlie and my other groups, and the fun times down in the lab with everbody focused on a common assignment. It has been probably the best sememster of college in that respect, even as it has been the most miserable at times and the most difficult by far. I'm glad to have ended out my academic life on a genuine note--a hard challenge well met. We'll see what the coming weeks hold, and I'll write later about this whole 5-day trip to Akron that I just got back from :-)
If anybody has read this far, I'm amazed at you and you deserve a smoothie. This post has taken full liberties of the "for future John" purpose of this blog. It's been a great time of life these past months, and perhaps I'll come up with a more succinct and vibrant way of describing it some other time.
--Clear Ambassador
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
**Six Stars**
[My apologies to anybody who got excited about a new blog post and sees that it's the same as my post on Facebook. Different pools of possible readers. The end is different, though!]
Six Stars
That's the title of a playlist in my iTunes, and I just listened through it all tonight. It's the handful of songs that, over time, have affected me every time I listen to them. They're the ones I hear and think, "Man, I wish I could give this more than 5 stars to mark down just how GOOD it is!"
Listening through these songs has been a transcendant experience. Starting with John Williams' "Hologram/Binary Sunset" and the french horn that makes me want to cry because I can never really be in the Star Wars world, I traveled through 20 songs, each of which left me silent with wonder. Some of which left my heart so tugged that I didn't know what to do but savor the bittersweetness.
As I sat there with my eyes closed, the comfortable couch and the warm room and house around me seemed oddly small. I thought of thanking Mom and Dad for providing this incredibly peaceful and pleasant building for me to live in here on this earth, compared to so much harshness and misery elsewhere. Occasionally the thought of God's infinity and my existence in heaven shot through me, and I finally made peace with my heart by figuring and accepting that in heaven all these heart pangs would be met, whether its the equivalent of standing on Tatooine watching the twin suns set, or just finding a "bottom" for the feelings stirred up by hearing songs from years ago, from times that will never be again.
I found indescribable peace, while listening through these songs, from knowing that I had created a song on that list. For whatever reason, I just can't stand hearing outstanding music and knowing that I can't make such stuff myself. Most of the time that's the case, and I'm left chafing, but tonight I knew that "What a Night" deserved to be on that list. And even as I marvelled at the perfect intricacies of David Altrogge's "Coming Home (1945: The GI's Song)" and wondered how much of Switchfoot's stunning beauty in "Might Have Ben Hur" was planned, I knew that a song like that had come from me.
I myself had written a song from the most inexplainable and deeply-rooted threads of my being, and it had come together in a recording that is better than I could ever have planned, and better than I could probably make again.
This is the unstable source of my peace, for it is not necessarily skill that gets you a "six star" song. We are subject to the cold winds of chance. A mistake on the first take, a deleted track, and transcendence can be lost. I feel good that the pieces came together for this song, and by the same token I chafe, because I cannot force more greatness to happen. It just has to come out when I least expect it.. when it's not on my mind.. . . when it doesn't come from me.
Such is the curse and the joy of a musician.
This all being said, do you have a "six star" song you'd like to share? I love telling other people about these songs that mean so much to me and having them appreciate them, so by the same token I'd love to hear what songs leave you "sitting back in wonder."
And if anyone is interested, here's What a Night.
In a way, it's the best thing I have to offer the world at the moment.
And here in my blog I'll write out what I decided to forgo in the Facebook note: The "introversion disclaimer." It states, basically, that I realize this has been an effectively Godless rumination--that these words make things seem grander or more important than they are from a higher perspective. It defends against correction readers might bring to the "cold winds of fate" statement, which is how it feels, not how it is with a sovereign God. Is says that I realize I was emotional as I wrote it.
I left it out because I get tired of qualifying every sensitive statement I make and feeling like I have to prove to anyone who might criticize me that I "see around my work." I left it out 'cause I get sick of the "curse of the analytical" sometimes--the neverending circumspection and self analysis that must bring everything down to cold, intentional purpose and correctness. But here in this journal, I'll leave the comfy couch of the bulk of this post and point myself, and anyone reading, to another of my songs here at the end. Once you've shared my joys and sorrows (if you actually did), finish up by listening to "You Ain't That Big of a Deal." It's the truth, like it or not :-|
Six Stars
That's the title of a playlist in my iTunes, and I just listened through it all tonight. It's the handful of songs that, over time, have affected me every time I listen to them. They're the ones I hear and think, "Man, I wish I could give this more than 5 stars to mark down just how GOOD it is!"
Listening through these songs has been a transcendant experience. Starting with John Williams' "Hologram/Binary Sunset" and the french horn that makes me want to cry because I can never really be in the Star Wars world, I traveled through 20 songs, each of which left me silent with wonder. Some of which left my heart so tugged that I didn't know what to do but savor the bittersweetness.
As I sat there with my eyes closed, the comfortable couch and the warm room and house around me seemed oddly small. I thought of thanking Mom and Dad for providing this incredibly peaceful and pleasant building for me to live in here on this earth, compared to so much harshness and misery elsewhere. Occasionally the thought of God's infinity and my existence in heaven shot through me, and I finally made peace with my heart by figuring and accepting that in heaven all these heart pangs would be met, whether its the equivalent of standing on Tatooine watching the twin suns set, or just finding a "bottom" for the feelings stirred up by hearing songs from years ago, from times that will never be again.
I found indescribable peace, while listening through these songs, from knowing that I had created a song on that list. For whatever reason, I just can't stand hearing outstanding music and knowing that I can't make such stuff myself. Most of the time that's the case, and I'm left chafing, but tonight I knew that "What a Night" deserved to be on that list. And even as I marvelled at the perfect intricacies of David Altrogge's "Coming Home (1945: The GI's Song)" and wondered how much of Switchfoot's stunning beauty in "Might Have Ben Hur" was planned, I knew that a song like that had come from me.
I myself had written a song from the most inexplainable and deeply-rooted threads of my being, and it had come together in a recording that is better than I could ever have planned, and better than I could probably make again.
This is the unstable source of my peace, for it is not necessarily skill that gets you a "six star" song. We are subject to the cold winds of chance. A mistake on the first take, a deleted track, and transcendence can be lost. I feel good that the pieces came together for this song, and by the same token I chafe, because I cannot force more greatness to happen. It just has to come out when I least expect it.. when it's not on my mind.. . . when it doesn't come from me.
Such is the curse and the joy of a musician.
This all being said, do you have a "six star" song you'd like to share? I love telling other people about these songs that mean so much to me and having them appreciate them, so by the same token I'd love to hear what songs leave you "sitting back in wonder."
And if anyone is interested, here's What a Night.
In a way, it's the best thing I have to offer the world at the moment.
And here in my blog I'll write out what I decided to forgo in the Facebook note: The "introversion disclaimer." It states, basically, that I realize this has been an effectively Godless rumination--that these words make things seem grander or more important than they are from a higher perspective. It defends against correction readers might bring to the "cold winds of fate" statement, which is how it feels, not how it is with a sovereign God. Is says that I realize I was emotional as I wrote it.
I left it out because I get tired of qualifying every sensitive statement I make and feeling like I have to prove to anyone who might criticize me that I "see around my work." I left it out 'cause I get sick of the "curse of the analytical" sometimes--the neverending circumspection and self analysis that must bring everything down to cold, intentional purpose and correctness. But here in this journal, I'll leave the comfy couch of the bulk of this post and point myself, and anyone reading, to another of my songs here at the end. Once you've shared my joys and sorrows (if you actually did), finish up by listening to "You Ain't That Big of a Deal." It's the truth, like it or not :-|
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Monday
I don't have time to do this, but this is the last week of this Pitt season of my life, and I don't want to forget it like I've forgotten the last week, nay month, of my home school season.
So... TODAY:
"Class" with Dr. Enick at Starbucks at 9. His treat, and we just conversed.
Process, high on caffeine and understanding discrete step response modeling.
Heath & Safety / Ethics - last class. Watched the 60 Minutes bit on the BP Texas City refinery explosion, did the evaluation.
Drove home 'cause I didn't have my lab report sections on the USB stick or emailed. Mom was leaving to take Daisy for her checkup as I arrived. Veggie soup.
Back to Pitt, waited and waited for a spot on Atwood, ended up down by Bellfield, but set for the rest of the day. COLD walk. 20's.
7 hours of Process Control homework. 5 continuous hours spent in one chair, getting up exactly 4 times to get my printed stuff 10 feet away. Brain so active I didn't eat, drink, or even listen to music part of the time. Writing code. Busting head. Got it working.
Nice break down in B72 sharing Phae's pomegranite and putting up Christmas lights.
Final 3 hours of process control, doing the Simplex algorithm for linear optimization with multiple constraints. Got my answers to agree with Matlab, hallelujah!
Fuel and Fuddle. 2 Jameson's and a flying buffalo provided some nice relaxation and needed nutrition. Read "God Is The Gospel," talked to Willis and Janie while they waited for a table. Christmas lights were the best idea I've had in the last 4 years.
Jenna gave me a snowflake with designs like hearts and biker club symbols. I played with the order of songs for my album.
Cold walk to car.
Listened to my own stuff on the way home.
Came up with and recorded a 1 minute acoustic song. Indirect fruit of listening to Vince Guaraldi 5 times today.
Titled it "Fuddle."
Here it is. To be listened to whilst looking at black and white photographs.
Good night.
Pitt is good, but somehow I have no thought of missing it when I'm done. I have no feelings about my graduation at all, strangely enough. Right now I'm just starting to feel Christmassy, and that's sublime.
--Clear Ambassador
So... TODAY:
"Class" with Dr. Enick at Starbucks at 9. His treat, and we just conversed.
Process, high on caffeine and understanding discrete step response modeling.
Heath & Safety / Ethics - last class. Watched the 60 Minutes bit on the BP Texas City refinery explosion, did the evaluation.
Drove home 'cause I didn't have my lab report sections on the USB stick or emailed. Mom was leaving to take Daisy for her checkup as I arrived. Veggie soup.
Back to Pitt, waited and waited for a spot on Atwood, ended up down by Bellfield, but set for the rest of the day. COLD walk. 20's.
7 hours of Process Control homework. 5 continuous hours spent in one chair, getting up exactly 4 times to get my printed stuff 10 feet away. Brain so active I didn't eat, drink, or even listen to music part of the time. Writing code. Busting head. Got it working.
Nice break down in B72 sharing Phae's pomegranite and putting up Christmas lights.
Final 3 hours of process control, doing the Simplex algorithm for linear optimization with multiple constraints. Got my answers to agree with Matlab, hallelujah!
Fuel and Fuddle. 2 Jameson's and a flying buffalo provided some nice relaxation and needed nutrition. Read "God Is The Gospel," talked to Willis and Janie while they waited for a table. Christmas lights were the best idea I've had in the last 4 years.
Jenna gave me a snowflake with designs like hearts and biker club symbols. I played with the order of songs for my album.
Cold walk to car.
Listened to my own stuff on the way home.
Came up with and recorded a 1 minute acoustic song. Indirect fruit of listening to Vince Guaraldi 5 times today.
Titled it "Fuddle."
Here it is. To be listened to whilst looking at black and white photographs.
Good night.
Pitt is good, but somehow I have no thought of missing it when I'm done. I have no feelings about my graduation at all, strangely enough. Right now I'm just starting to feel Christmassy, and that's sublime.
--Clear Ambassador
Saturday, December 02, 2006
AIM with Danmybro
[Sorry 'bout the double spaces. Too hard to get rid of.]
[I started by making a comment on his away message, to the effect that he was now the big man on campus since he was working out and consequently huge.]
odiousbane: noo, not me
odiousbane: it was a contest
slickitized: I pretty much figured so :-)
Auto response from odiousbane: Big Man on
Campus. Oh yeah.
odiousbane: yyyeah
odiousbane: this sweet guy one
odiousbane: Darrius Pugh
slickitized: wawawiwa!
odiousbane: he's awesome
odiousbane: he was in the Maryland Boys' Choir
odiousbane: and he was the best kid in it
slickitized: niice
odiousbane: wow, UK's rig is sweeeeet
slickitized: heheh
slickitized: fo' real man
odiousbane: wow
odiousbane: he's bringing it to our house
odiousbane: that's awesome
slickitized: yeah dude
odiousbane: we should take an overnight when he's
here, or something
slickitized: satellite TV!
slickitized: Mom was thinking that too
odiousbane: wow
slickitized: birding up in Erie or something
slickitized: I think you and I should sleep out there
odiousbane: yeah!
odiousbane: duuude
odiousbane: I hope he would let us
odiousbane: he may want to
slickitized: yeah, I'm not sure
odiousbane: pretty awesome
odiousbane: I wonder how many it can sleep
odiousbane: man, people aren't going to believe it :-)
slickitized: heheh
odiousbane: our crazy uncle has done it again
slickitized: foshizzle
odiousbane: what's up at home?
slickitized: well, M&D are looking at how to reorganize
the basement and put a futon in
slickitized: Daisy is mushed up against my laptop
odiousbane: ooh, nice
slickitized: Jonathan is disappeared upstairs
odiousbane: and you?
slickitized: and the music of Ecuador is farting away in
my ears
odiousbane: mmmmm
odiousbane: the stuff from Ken?
slickitized: yep
slickitized: this one song is hilarious
odiousbane: farty?
slickitized: yep
odiousbane: awesome
slickitized: gratuitious tuba and bass drum/cymbal action
:-)
odiousbane: ooh man
slickitized: it makes me laugh
odiousbane: does it make you feel like un gordo
ecuatoriano?
slickitized: Kinda like that german dude in the
"Magnificent Men and their Flying Machines" movie
odiousbane: haha
slickitized: si si
odiousbane: good movie
odiousbane: we should watch that over break too
slickitized: if we can find it, yeah
odiousbane: it's out there
odiousbane: somewhere out there....
odiousbane: haha
odiousbane: is page 6
slickitized: heheh
slickitized: YES!
slickitized: COOORTIS
odiousbane: what a turd
slickitized: developin'
slickitized: seventeh
slickitized: horsepower
odiousbane: good stuff
slickitized: quality film
slickitized: how's your Friday night progressing?
odiousbane: not bad
odiousbane: I went to lunch with Chris and Sean
odiousbane: dinner
odiousbane: and then I went to the Big Man on Campus
contest
odiousbane: it was really crazy
odiousbane: some of the things the guys did were
unbelievable
odiousbane: like hard to believe they actually did that at
GCC
odiousbane: it was really horrendous at a few points
slickitized: what kind of stuff?
odiousbane: one guy was dancing for a girl a chair
odiousbane: taking his shirt off and wiggling around
odiousbane: another guy....
odiousbane: who was rather portly
odiousbane: wore a hula outfit for the beachwear
segment
odiousbane: and he was hula dancing....
odiousbane: *shudder*
odiousbane: the same guy was making jokes about
people who stutter and foreigners
odiousbane: it was pretty awesome :-)
odiousbane: one guy had the worst talent ever
slickitized: heheh
odiousbane: he was singing along with "Girls" by the
Beastie Boys
odiousbane: you should listen to that song
slickitized: heheh
odiousbane: the thing is....
odiousbane: it wasn't even karaoke
odiousbane: all the vocals were in there
slickitized: heh
odiousbane: he only "sang" about half of it
slickitized: pshht
Auto response from odiousbane: Big Man on
Campus. Oh yeah.
odiousbane: like, the whole song but only half of it
odiousbane: it was really really bad
odiousbane: he got eliminated
slickitized: sweet
odiousbane: so, that's what I did tonight
slickitized: POWER OF THE PEOPLE!
slickitized: well, I had dinner at Wendy's with Mom and
Dad
odiousbane: nice!
slickitized: picked up my car from Hueys
odiousbane: what was it doing there?
slickitized: gave them $1200 of my money
odiousbane: oh snap
slickitized: getting inspection and new front struts
slickitized: and ordering 3 new wheels
odiousbane: dang
odiousbane: was that required?
slickitized: for the wellbeing of the car, yes
slickitized: I coulda got black wheels with chrome rings
slickitized: but that sounded cheesy
odiousbane: cool
slickitized: Dude, I'm gonna have NO money left
slickitized: February, another $1000 insurance
payment..
odiousbane: eek
slickitized: that's why I tell people to not get cars!
odiousbane: will you be solvent?
slickitized: not as I stand now, no
slickitized: I've gotta work my donkey off at NOVA as
soon as school is over
slickitized: till then, it's schoolwork like a hound of hell
odiousbane: oh boy :-)
slickitized: yep
slickitized: basically, I literally have 2x more than I have
comfortable time to do
slickitized: so, we'll see how it goes
odiousbane: when do finals start?
slickitized: Symphony is on Thursday, then Process the
following Wednesday, to close out my season of formal
education
odiousbane: wow
odiousbane: that's close!
odiousbane: good job
slickitized: it feels like it's 2 months away :-P
odiousbane: you can make it
slickitized: yep
slickitized: it's funny - times like this, the only way some
days arrive is because time doesn't stop. Otherwise I'd
never be ready for 'em
slickitized: iykwim
odiousbane: I guess so...
odiousbane: school has never been like that for me
odiousbane: not yet
slickitized: it seems to only be like that for very brief
periods
slickitized: a week here or there
slickitized: thankfully
odiousbane: alright
odiousbane: well, I'm going to go over to the Sac....
odiousbane: get a latte
odiousbane: watch It's a Wonderful Life
odiousbane: sound like a plan?
slickitized: sounds like I wish I was there :-)
odiousbane: same here bro
slickitized: dude, we've gotta find that alternate ending
on YouTube somewhere
slickitized: "Let's go get Mr. Pwotter!"
slickitized: YEAH!!!
slickitized: *whack whack*
slickitized: :-D
odiousbane: haha
odiousbane: what was that from?
odiousbane: SNL?
slickitized: Ken showed it to us
slickitized: I think so
odiousbane: wow, that was a long time ago
odiousbane: good stuff
slickitized: fo real
odiousbane: well I will see you later
odiousbane: college night baby
slickitized: yeah man
slickitized: peace
odiousbane: School of Rock is on
slickitized: oh hey - mind if I put this convo up on my
blog?
slickitized: niice
odiousbane: ...why?
slickitized: as a lazy yet rather effective way of
representing what's going on
slickitized: I just don't have time to write about all thIS
S"Tu;ff
odiousbane: alrighty
slickitized: (That was Daisy there)
odiousbane: haha
odiousbane: tell her to get some sleep
slickitized: she says she'll try
odiousbane: good deal
odiousbane: well, have a great night!
slickitized: U2
odiousbane: and pray that I get well, if you want :-)
slickitized: haha! I'm the first person to ever think of
that!!
slickitized: oooh yeah
slickitized: You're still sick? geez
slickitized: that's a downer
odiousbane: yeah...
slickitized: I'll prae
odiousbane: thanks
odiousbane: I thought I was better on Wednesday
odiousbane: since we had volleyball and soccer games
odiousbane: but then I felt like crud again
odiousbane: ah well
slickitized: rest up tonight
slickitized: think of Daisy
odiousbane: aighty
slickitized: peace
Auto response from odiousbane: Big Man on
Campus. Oh yeah.
odiousbane: stay warm
[I started by making a comment on his away message, to the effect that he was now the big man on campus since he was working out and consequently huge.]
odiousbane: noo, not me
odiousbane: it was a contest
slickitized: I pretty much figured so :-)
Auto response from odiousbane: Big Man on
Campus. Oh yeah.
odiousbane: yyyeah
odiousbane: this sweet guy one
odiousbane: Darrius Pugh
slickitized: wawawiwa!
odiousbane: he's awesome
odiousbane: he was in the Maryland Boys' Choir
odiousbane: and he was the best kid in it
slickitized: niice
odiousbane: wow, UK's rig is sweeeeet
slickitized: heheh
slickitized: fo' real man
odiousbane: wow
odiousbane: he's bringing it to our house
odiousbane: that's awesome
slickitized: yeah dude
odiousbane: we should take an overnight when he's
here, or something
slickitized: satellite TV!
slickitized: Mom was thinking that too
odiousbane: wow
slickitized: birding up in Erie or something
slickitized: I think you and I should sleep out there
odiousbane: yeah!
odiousbane: duuude
odiousbane: I hope he would let us
odiousbane: he may want to
slickitized: yeah, I'm not sure
odiousbane: pretty awesome
odiousbane: I wonder how many it can sleep
odiousbane: man, people aren't going to believe it :-)
slickitized: heheh
odiousbane: our crazy uncle has done it again
slickitized: foshizzle
odiousbane: what's up at home?
slickitized: well, M&D are looking at how to reorganize
the basement and put a futon in
slickitized: Daisy is mushed up against my laptop
odiousbane: ooh, nice
slickitized: Jonathan is disappeared upstairs
odiousbane: and you?
slickitized: and the music of Ecuador is farting away in
my ears
odiousbane: mmmmm
odiousbane: the stuff from Ken?
slickitized: yep
slickitized: this one song is hilarious
odiousbane: farty?
slickitized: yep
odiousbane: awesome
slickitized: gratuitious tuba and bass drum/cymbal action
:-)
odiousbane: ooh man
slickitized: it makes me laugh
odiousbane: does it make you feel like un gordo
ecuatoriano?
slickitized: Kinda like that german dude in the
"Magnificent Men and their Flying Machines" movie
odiousbane: haha
slickitized: si si
odiousbane: good movie
odiousbane: we should watch that over break too
slickitized: if we can find it, yeah
odiousbane: it's out there
odiousbane: somewhere out there....
odiousbane: haha
odiousbane: is page 6
slickitized: heheh
slickitized: YES!
slickitized: COOORTIS
odiousbane: what a turd
slickitized: developin'
slickitized: seventeh
slickitized: horsepower
odiousbane: good stuff
slickitized: quality film
slickitized: how's your Friday night progressing?
odiousbane: not bad
odiousbane: I went to lunch with Chris and Sean
odiousbane: dinner
odiousbane: and then I went to the Big Man on Campus
contest
odiousbane: it was really crazy
odiousbane: some of the things the guys did were
unbelievable
odiousbane: like hard to believe they actually did that at
GCC
odiousbane: it was really horrendous at a few points
slickitized: what kind of stuff?
odiousbane: one guy was dancing for a girl a chair
odiousbane: taking his shirt off and wiggling around
odiousbane: another guy....
odiousbane: who was rather portly
odiousbane: wore a hula outfit for the beachwear
segment
odiousbane: and he was hula dancing....
odiousbane: *shudder*
odiousbane: the same guy was making jokes about
people who stutter and foreigners
odiousbane: it was pretty awesome :-)
odiousbane: one guy had the worst talent ever
slickitized: heheh
odiousbane: he was singing along with "Girls" by the
Beastie Boys
odiousbane: you should listen to that song
slickitized: heheh
odiousbane: the thing is....
odiousbane: it wasn't even karaoke
odiousbane: all the vocals were in there
slickitized: heh
odiousbane: he only "sang" about half of it
slickitized: pshht
Auto response from odiousbane: Big Man on
Campus. Oh yeah.
odiousbane: like, the whole song but only half of it
odiousbane: it was really really bad
odiousbane: he got eliminated
slickitized: sweet
odiousbane: so, that's what I did tonight
slickitized: POWER OF THE PEOPLE!
slickitized: well, I had dinner at Wendy's with Mom and
Dad
odiousbane: nice!
slickitized: picked up my car from Hueys
odiousbane: what was it doing there?
slickitized: gave them $1200 of my money
odiousbane: oh snap
slickitized: getting inspection and new front struts
slickitized: and ordering 3 new wheels
odiousbane: dang
odiousbane: was that required?
slickitized: for the wellbeing of the car, yes
slickitized: I coulda got black wheels with chrome rings
slickitized: but that sounded cheesy
odiousbane: cool
slickitized: Dude, I'm gonna have NO money left
slickitized: February, another $1000 insurance
payment..
odiousbane: eek
slickitized: that's why I tell people to not get cars!
odiousbane: will you be solvent?
slickitized: not as I stand now, no
slickitized: I've gotta work my donkey off at NOVA as
soon as school is over
slickitized: till then, it's schoolwork like a hound of hell
odiousbane: oh boy :-)
slickitized: yep
slickitized: basically, I literally have 2x more than I have
comfortable time to do
slickitized: so, we'll see how it goes
odiousbane: when do finals start?
slickitized: Symphony is on Thursday, then Process the
following Wednesday, to close out my season of formal
education
odiousbane: wow
odiousbane: that's close!
odiousbane: good job
slickitized: it feels like it's 2 months away :-P
odiousbane: you can make it
slickitized: yep
slickitized: it's funny - times like this, the only way some
days arrive is because time doesn't stop. Otherwise I'd
never be ready for 'em
slickitized: iykwim
odiousbane: I guess so...
odiousbane: school has never been like that for me
odiousbane: not yet
slickitized: it seems to only be like that for very brief
periods
slickitized: a week here or there
slickitized: thankfully
odiousbane: alright
odiousbane: well, I'm going to go over to the Sac....
odiousbane: get a latte
odiousbane: watch It's a Wonderful Life
odiousbane: sound like a plan?
slickitized: sounds like I wish I was there :-)
odiousbane: same here bro
slickitized: dude, we've gotta find that alternate ending
on YouTube somewhere
slickitized: "Let's go get Mr. Pwotter!"
slickitized: YEAH!!!
slickitized: *whack whack*
slickitized: :-D
odiousbane: haha
odiousbane: what was that from?
odiousbane: SNL?
slickitized: Ken showed it to us
slickitized: I think so
odiousbane: wow, that was a long time ago
odiousbane: good stuff
slickitized: fo real
odiousbane: well I will see you later
odiousbane: college night baby
slickitized: yeah man
slickitized: peace
odiousbane: School of Rock is on
slickitized: oh hey - mind if I put this convo up on my
blog?
slickitized: niice
odiousbane: ...why?
slickitized: as a lazy yet rather effective way of
representing what's going on
slickitized: I just don't have time to write about all thIS
S"Tu;ff
odiousbane: alrighty
slickitized: (That was Daisy there)
odiousbane: haha
odiousbane: tell her to get some sleep
slickitized: she says she'll try
odiousbane: good deal
odiousbane: well, have a great night!
slickitized: U2
odiousbane: and pray that I get well, if you want :-)
slickitized: haha! I'm the first person to ever think of
that!!
slickitized: oooh yeah
slickitized: You're still sick? geez
slickitized: that's a downer
odiousbane: yeah...
slickitized: I'll prae
odiousbane: thanks
odiousbane: I thought I was better on Wednesday
odiousbane: since we had volleyball and soccer games
odiousbane: but then I felt like crud again
odiousbane: ah well
slickitized: rest up tonight
slickitized: think of Daisy
odiousbane: aighty
slickitized: peace
Auto response from odiousbane: Big Man on
Campus. Oh yeah.
odiousbane: stay warm
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