The Blog of a Lifetime

If you want to know me, listen to my songs.

Everything from well-informed, accurate--if shallow--faith back in '04:

Jesus, sacrifice
You were slain to pay the price
That should have been required of me.
Jesus, God's own Son
You're the perfect righteous One
All of Heaven bows before Thee.
Thine was the terror, and Thine the shame
Now Thine is the name above all other names

Son of God what can I say to You?
There is nothing worthy I can do
I can only stand in awe
At mercy deeper than my fall
I have no ground on which to stand,
Except upon Your nail-pierced hands.

To deep frustration at the course and nature of my life a year or so later:

And I don't understand why You made me this way
And I don't understand who I am
And I don't understand why You fill up my hand
Till every thing overflows and slips away
Slips away...

And I don't know why You've given me
So much more than I can hold
And I don't know why You keep hitting me
As I keep getting old
And I don't know why time slips away
And nothing seems to change
And I don't know how You love me just the same
Just the same...

Yet always (95% of the time) remaining in the generally happy state of my blessed life:

Building Legos, model cars
Talkin' 'bout the War of Stars,
All the ways we whiled away the time for all those years
Quoting movies, no one knew
What we meant but me and you
The humor just went right over their heads

You go a-long with what's going on
You've never been somewhere that wasn't better for you being there..

How good and how pleasant it can be
When brothers dwell in unity!
Your time at home is coming to an end
I'll miss you, my brother and my friend.

And still remaining relatively light-hearted, positive, and strange :-)

Take a cup and fill it slowly now,
Pour it with care.
Empty out the can completely now,
Nothing left in there.
Take a sip and sip it slowly now,
Savor your fare.
Open up a Dr.Pepper and happiness is there.

Then God blew into my life like a hurricane for 2 months:

Don't doubt! Trust in what you know He says
Just step out! Step out on His promises
He'll meet you - look at all the lives around!
Just trust Him. Trust Him with your life.

But I settled back into the same old valley, slowly settling deeper and deeper:

If I say I'm sorry
Will I mean it this time?
I can swear to leave it
But I'm staying behind

How can You save me if I don't want to be saved?
How can You hear me if I don't mean what I pray?
How can You love me when I've thrown it all away?
Am I lost
If I don't mean what I pray?

And always, ever, never getting away from knowing I should be doing more with my life, but not doing it, and not knowing how to:

Look at all the pathways that I could take in life
Traveling the world or marrying a wife
Staying close to home, or moving far away
Anything I wanna do is possible, they say

But I put on my boots and go to work and live another day
In the same old car, the same old smile, and the same old aimless way
If I could just see where to throw myself, I'd give it all away
But I put on my boots, and go to work, and live another day

All the comforts of home that you love
All the potential that you're dreaming of
All could be yours, or all could be naught..
But time passes by and you've only got one shot

All the songs I write and all the instruments I play
But I put on my boots, and go to work, and live another day.

So will this win out in the end? Or will the words of "On My Side" prevail?

Time after time
Time after time lookin' out the door
Time after time
Time after time what's He waiting for?
What's He waiting for?

But You were always on my si - de
You were always on my si - de
I couldn't tame You I couldn't blame You
I couldn't tame You I couldn't blame You
I couldn't trace You, I couldn't chase away Your plans for me