The Blog of a Lifetime

Over this past weekend I traversed the gamut of happiness.

I had a moment of exquisite joy standing at the synth, ready for Steve-O to hit record. A swell of total happiness at the song we were laying down, Steve being here, actually doing recording, having it go well, Daniel and Mike around, things going on.. everything in the world lining up just right.

Sunday I was jumping up and down and shouting in glee along with everyone else in the room as Polamalu dragged down an interception and fancy-footed his way into the endzone, sealing the deal against the Ravens. The Cardinals had won in an astounding game, the Pens had beat the Rangers in a shut-out, and all was as I would wish it could be on that day.

Later that night I had a couple moments of surreality as the heavenly sounds of Mew coursed through my car and I hurtled down the snowy parking lot, building up speed to swirl into a 180 as the night watched on in stillness.

Then Monday the reality that Daniel had left for the semester mixed in with the old familiar ache of a glorious weekend gone by, and I stood with my guitar, frustrated to an internal frenzy by other hands than mine controlling the computer, burned out on music, sad that the freshness of inspiration and cooperation were gone, tired of the song, and shadowed by the loom of cold joyless days ahead. The ache continued unabated as we finished recording, Steve packed up and left, and I dropped Mike off, late for work and alone.

If I could feel like that all the time, I think I would run like a puppy into God the Father's arms and never want to leave. But work is a numbing opiate, and my mind was blustered into business mode by the time I had reached the Tin Bath. As I knew it would, the future brightened back up, and my soul settled back into normalcy. All that remains is that lingering unsettlement - my constant companion, peeking around the corner when I let my thoughts soak down. All is not right, and this is not a game. Hell peeks around the corner, and I don't know what to do about it, or if it will be OK.