The Summer Rises

***This post was written a good while back at the beginning of summer. I don't think I actually finished it, which is why it wasn't posted, but I'll put it up here. The language seems a little over the top at points, but it's pretty much what it felt like, and still feels like occasionally.***

Sunlight rises over the hills of winter, creeps in from the corners of spring, and people start driving around with their windows open and short sleeves on. In my life, key people like Daniel, Justin and Betsy come back home to stay for a few months, and the world is once again as it should be. My text messaging has increased dramatically as I try to coordinate with a bunch of fun people looking to spend time. My "want to do" list is longer than ever before: Go out in the woods, camp, jam with Steve Gole, jam with Justin and Daniel, record the soundtrack for Nathaniel Taylor's movie, record some songs with Pure Boss, record my own songs, go to Akron several times, go to Washington DC, play lots of basketball, keep lifting weights, maybe get a digital SLR and take some cool pictures, go to Pirates games, play frisbee after church every week, and pretty much do anything outside of the self-imposed confines of my stupid little life.



My "want to do" list is long. My "have to do" list is short. And powerful. Like a mad rip 5-foot UFC fighter. Go to work every weekday (not too bad), be alert and energetic at work (the killer), and the trump card: plan and execute youth camp. I'm currently gasping for air under the torrent of youth camp stuff that needs to be done. So the WTD list will mostly have to wait until after June 22nd-25th.



Aside from that, I'm still straddling both worlds, trying to be a bona fide engineer and employee during the day, and hanging out with carefree people 4+ years younger than me afterwards. I'm in tension between the demands of and engineering career and the cries of the undercurrent of music that keeps wanting to suck my feet out from under me. I straddle the line between saved and unsaved, boiling over sin constantly in myself, but continuing to seek God in different ways, when I can, and going to church and doing church stuff. I stand on a windblown peak, with two faces of a cliff at my feet. One is an engineering job, which has stability and money for a wife and family down at the bottom. The other is a wild ride that lives in the moment, ventures out into new things, walks down unknown paths, makes the most of these priceless years of youth, leaves me some stories to tell, but doesn't guarantee anything 10 years later at the bottom. I've been climbing for the engineering suburbanite cliff all my life, but I can't get the siren call of the other road out of my head or my gut. I'm ready to fight my laziness, kick my craving for stability and sameness in the gut, and throw myself into the big wide world and see what I can do. But I have no direction, no certainty, no peace, and no real prospects in that direction. It's the idle dreams of a lame kid sitting on his bed whining about his life but not doing anything about it. But the engineering path is kicking me in the stomach as well, as I meet baffling resistance within and without to "clicking" here, drinking it in, pushing through the difficulty of learning, and excelling like I did in college.



Mom had a picture that sums it up well: I'm surrounded by goads. Sharp points at every turn. Every direction I try to go jabs me and sends me right back. I'm at an impasse, and the only way out is up. Nice cliched ending to the analogy, right? Well I'm still waiting to see if that actually happens. I try occasionally, I have brief moments of positive feelings towards God, briefer moments of fragmentary hope, but mostly I'm sitting here looking at sharp spikes staring me in the face from every direction, hating where I'm at, where I'm headed, and myself, the creator of all these goads. I've heard stories all my life about people who excelled, who accomplished, who performed, who did things. I have the bug for that, but I can't seem to carry it out, and I'm wondering if there's any place, any mercy, for someone who sees greatness, has the kernel for it, but lets it slip through his unwilling hands. I'm to blame, but I feel helpless at the same time. I can't just shrug my shoulders and make my deepest motivations change in the twinkle of an eye! I'm to blame, but I feel like a prisoner all the same. I'm despicable, I want to be pitied, and I hate myself for wanting to be pitied.


Will this ever change? I know full well that the only true solution to this impasse IS up. God. Surrender of my "pride of life," desire to make something of myself, be impressive, be impressed with myself. SEEING that I am hell-bound and needing mercy, and therefore sincerely clinging to Jesus Christ, crucified for my sins and risen again, throwing the doors open to Him and following His voice with childlike submission, faith, and sweet gratefulness, love and joy.