Ode to the Changing Times

Well, I think the biggest news to be journaled is that Daniel no longer lives here. I almost wrote all about it Thursday night, right after Mom and I dropped him off at Grove City. But sadness like I was feeling then is always intensified by writing about it, and I usually end up with a post that is sadder than I actually was before composing it. So instead I sat on the couch with this laptop and forayed into the sadness gripping my heart, writing it out facet by facet into couplets of a rough (Not rough like sandpaper. Rough like a bunch of upturned tacks) poem. After that I felt fine, and marveled at how the writing had completely purged the sorrow that had been twisting my chest. At that time the immediates were fine - GCC was great, Daniel's room(mate) were cool, he'd be around for Labor Day, I'd be out to visit, there were things to do at home - but any time I thought of what had just happened, that four years stretched ahead of me with no Daniel around, I got pretty downered (There's another new word, Jason). This house can seem rather lonely with I think of it with just me and my folks. Jonathan's here, but only for another month or so. Church is somewhat lonely too, without Daniel, Justin, Heather and Jess. I went to Taco Bell with Mom and Dad after church this afternoon, and then just went home. There is definitely reality to the sadness I felt, and we're still dealing with occasionally (Mom was crying as the three of us walked into Taco Bell).

BUT. There's a lot of stuff on my plate now, and the practical effects of Daniel's absence are mild in many ways because he was so busy and gone so much this summer. What, you ask, is on my plate now? Well thank you, kind stranger, for your interest in my 'umble little life! If I must, aw, sure, I'll talk about myself for awhile. (Pffft)

The battle cry of my life right now is "Take the reigns!"
I think this blog has given a picture of how much I've been freeloading and freefalling this summer. It's like...as I look over my life in the past months, there are never times where I just sit down and take stock of things, remember important things, think about what to do to fulfil my obligations and commitments, and most importantly, let God's truth and perspective speak to my self-focused life. I never seem to have my arms around my life, I just sort of hang on the the tail fin, or just let go altogether and enjoy the fall. I can't go on like that. I don't know how much I will change, and what degree of consistency, discipline and order is God's will and not my own idea of what I should be like, BUT, it has to change, and I believe it will. ("it" being my life and how I live it.)

I think part of the reason I was so lax over the summer was because there were no strong motivators for me. Everything stayed pretty much fine when I didn't have devotions. My grades weren't horrible, and I didn't care that much anyway. I could stay up till 3, sit through my class in a haze, and sleep in the library for an hour before going to work. That is changing, though. I've become increasingly aware of being incapacitated by the lack of devoted time with God, and with Daniel leaving there are several gaps I think God is calling me to fill that I am terribly unqualified to fill right now. So my prayers this evening were honestly prayers of desparation. Which God likes, so that's cool. I think I'll be doing more with the Youth-Parent Care Group now, and I want to be able to contribute something other than my black sin and selfish ambition. I also want to be a person ready to enter real life, which is approaching at the end of December when I graduate. I'm living like a dumpy college student right now, which is neither realistic, smart, nor kind to others.

I'll be taking the reigns academically, as well. Last semester was my worst ever grade-wise, with one A- and my second B+. I wasn't an "A Student" this summer--classes were just an irritating impediment to hanging out, doing music and doing nothing. Not so this semester. I had a moment where I realized that I needed to get on top of my classes; that spending a lot of time on them and really getting my mind into them (which is very difficult, time-consuming and strenuous in engineering) was not an irritating distraction, but rather it was my task for the fall. I want to finish well, so I think the "frame of normalcy" is shifting on the picture of my life. Meaning my priorities and anticipated time-usage are changing.

Another motivator for taking the reigns (besides spiritual and relational requirements and academics) is the fact that I will graduate with a degree in Chemical Engineering on December 16th, and I don't know what I will do after that. Now, being "Mr. Malesh," as Kayte called me, I am not at all worried about that. It is as silly to worry about that as it is to worry that Mom will make dinner tomorrow night. Oh man, what if there's no food! What if I have to make something! I don't have time! I don't have any ideas! There's no taco meat in the fridge!
Mom will make dinner tomorrow night, not because she has to, but because that is the job she has embraced and comitted to. She has made thousands of dinners in the past, and if she's not around to make one she'll either leave something for me or let me know I'm on my own so I'm prepared. It's the same with God, except dinner = my life and career, and he never leaves me on my own to cook something up :-)

Though I am not worried, I am aware of the many options that are floating about me and I know certainly that I need a solid investment of prayer to be able to make the right decisions. What I know now is that I am more and more convinced that I should be a teacher, not an engineer. Now, between graduating with a BS in chemical engineering and teaching *something* *somewhere* to *some* age group there lies a great gap in knowledge and expectation. So, I plan on talking to professors and seeing what the world of professorship is like and how you get there. I'm certain that God will bring things down to practical reality as needed and funnel me into His path as He has done in the past. For the time after December I can imagine taking time out from work and everything and recording my album for a semester just as well as I can imagine teaching english in Japan for a year. Perhaps I'll get an engineering job for a few years and then hit the road to a PhD so I can teach college. Perhaps a great opportunity for grad school will show up and I'll take it right away. I don't know, but honestly it's pretty cool to think that anything could happen, and that hopefully I won't be enchained to a lifelong 8-hours-a-day 5-days-a-week (and that's the bare bare minimum) job in a chemical plant.

OK, so that's pretty much the picture of my life and future that's in my mind right now. I've been listening to Chemical Brothers, and enjoyed it immensely. Daisy is across from me on the big couch, finally asleep. Mom and Dad have been taking her on walks most evenings, and now she's getting used to that and getting all chipper and active around 8 o'clock, when she used to conk out for the night. I think she misses Daniel, too. She hasn't been sleeping as much or as soundly, and keeps looking for attention.

I wonder if Daniel misses Daisy. I've been thinking of his departure from my point of view, looking at the myriad losses it brings to our everyday lives and the myriad opportunities and awesome people surrounding him at Grove City. But he's not a 22-year-old senior, he's an 18-year-old who just moved away from his home and knows only a handful of people. He's so capable, godly and wise that the thought of him having problems or being lonely or something is strange, but I wonder what it's actually like. I think for the most part he's having a blast, which is sweet. In fact, I wonder what it's like for all the folks who left. It's crazy for me to think of moving away and living in those little dorm rooms with all those strange and mildly disconcerting people around. That's why I've stepped back into AIM. Yes. I killed it in January, and now I'm bringing Frankenstien back to life. Its purpse is not to promulgate an image of myself, though, or to try to extract satisfaction from feelings of popularity or coolness, but rather to keep in touch with the people who left, and a couple who are still here. I'm not blindly signing on as soon as I bring the laptop out of sleep, and I'm trying not to sign on at all when I have something I really need to do. For me it's a lie to believe I can have it on and talk to people while still working on my lab report or writing my blog or whatever. So, just like alcohol and caffeine, use it with care and intent, and don't get addicted. And enjoy :-)

I was going to write out the specifics of last week, dropping Daniel off, work, and the day at Ohiopyle yesterday, but I'm going to wait. It's 11:50, so in 10 minutes I head downstairs to begin my conquest of Kayte the Proud in our fall fitness challenge :-D

I'll finish this off with a few select couplets from my Thursday night poem (which actually wasn't as rough as I remembered, so I put more of it in than I planned):

The way life’s been for 18 years
Will never be again
Hicks Hall is the new address
For my best friend

The second man to listen and laugh
Won’t be in the passenger’s seat
The scads of digital photographs
Won’t be of him and me

The different-sounding strings of chords
That I would never play
The clever jokes and witty words
That I would never think to say
The balance to my rashness
I wouldn’t think to need
The humble words of wisdom
That I would never see
The one to understand my jokes
And know exactly what I mean
The one to hear the ancient quotes
And laugh at them with me

My best friend lives in a cold-floored dorm room
Seventy miles away
And I’m left here with a snoring beagle
At the dawn of a lonely day

I wouldn’t ask to be a freshman
Walking the tiled halls you’re in
I’d screw it up and black the moment
With dirty pride and hungry sin
But you’re prepared
You really care
You’re a much better man than me

So, this goes out to Daniel, his new life at Grove City, and the great life we had for 18 years here at home. It's not over, but it's changed, and it's still good.

--Clear Ambassador