MySpace

Duuuude. I got a MySpace! Don't worry--I haven't sunk to a deplorable level of juvenile peep dependency. It's a MySpace Music account, and I realized today that it would be a really smart way to get my music out on the net in a place where people are looking at artists. So, here's the link. Here we go....

http://www.myspace.com/johnbehrens

Peace and love,

--Clear Ambassador

Lost, Hank, the grad, and other points of interest

Hey! I finished the 2-hour season closer of "Lost," read Ken's funny comment, Daniel came back up from the basement 'cause he missed the first part and didn't want to spoil anything, and now we're both on our laptops and I'm playing Oasis, which I haven't listened to in a long time even though I like it a lot and I actually made an effort to learn several of their songs on guitar so I could be cool and play them for people since most people don't care about music except for catchy songs, which is really irritating for musicians and really profitable for the music industry which I think is a strangely-setup filter for what music meets the public ear.

Homework is settling down into somewhat of a routine, and I'm a few days behind, leaving myself having to stay up super late typing up reading response questions due the next day, having to beat down the craving for sleep which has grown quite strong these days. I seem to be significantly slipping in my ability to be productive late at night, unless I'm caught up in something engaging like recording or watching Simpsons or reading Kayte's blog. Could I jack myself up on caffeine? Perhaps, but I despise the feeling of empty energy caffeine gives me, and what I know it's doing to my body. Which makes the ridiculous boom of hypocrazy quadshot megamonster green ox killer energy drinks quite nasty to my mind.

I guess it's time to write about it. Maybe a bit. I feel like an addict. I can identify with Johnny Cash's accounts of his addiction to amphetamines on more than an intellectual level. I'm an addict to doing what I want. I will throw plans and clearly-understood needs and consequences to the wind and just sit and watch TV or lay back and sleep, or go putter at something light and easy. It may not sound serious to you, but I have honestly felt trapped many times in these past months. Trapped by my own lack of willpower. Trapped by some switch inside that just decides to not do what I should, time after time, seemingly impervious to logic, reason, compulsion, encouragement, even desire. I won't write any more, but if you want to know exactly what this has been like, listen to "What a Night."

I've been listening to Hank Williams a ton. Though what I've heard on "Hank's Place"--the XM old country station--leaves me disenchanted with the genra in general, Hank Williams' work has stood out like a clear light. He is one famous, touted figure who deserves his renown. I can't confirm or deny the allegations of his fundamental influence on all following country music, but I can say that the 30 or so songs I have are clever, somehow non-cheesy (or maybe just cheesy in a way that works), sometimes sublime, sometimes profound, and....well, his concepts and words just work out perfectly, every time! "Move it on over" is about the singer moving into the dog house after his baby changed the front door locks. The verses bring out all kinds of funny aspects of the situation, incluing my favorite lines: "Now remember pal, before you whine / This side's yours and this side's mine." And "I'm so lonely I could die" contains some of the best lines ever, and perhaps the shortest summary of country music ever: "And as I wonder where you are / I'm so lonesome I could cry." Oh, and his steel guitar player is SICK! Really skilled and very tasteful. The songs, the performances, the arrangements, the recording quality...they all align into music for the ages.

I got a parking ticket today, only a few minutes after my meter had expired, and only a few minutes before I got back to the car. I was sad for myself and the cops because I had really tried to put in the time I needed, even adding a quarter beyond what I anticipated to be safe. I spent extra time on campus after working out, though, and they were apparently right on the ball. I'm sad 'cause I wish they could have ticketed me when I was really bucking the system, not when I was trying to do the right thing. $16.

I got Chicken Green Curry and General Tso's Chicken and a Thai iced coffee at the trailer for lunch. The curry was amazingly hot, but the flavor amazed me every bite. Their iced coffees are delicious, and a third the price of Starbunks. Mmm, craving iced coffee.......

Oh yeah! Daniel had a sorta graduation ceremony Monday night! It was the Family Instructors of the South Hills (FISH) year end get-together. Dinner at a building in South Park and an open-ended time for us to do whatever we wanted to celebrate Ice Man's passing from the real of the home schooled. We didn't put a lot of preparation into it, but the frenzied work at the end was worth it 'cause it was a great time to realize what's happening, step back and think about what's happened, honor Daniel, Mom and Dad, encourange fellowing homeschooling families, and have a touch point for an otherwise under-the-radar event. I got to perform my song about Daniel (which most of you have heard) and my song about Mom (which none of you know about), everybody got a few minutes to talk, and M & D gave Daniel his plaque from Grandma and Grandpa. Daniel's talk was just a few words about the gospel, in accord with I Cor. 2:2--knowing nothing among them but Jesus Christ and Him crucified. Cool and mildly shocking. It was a good night. My guitar fell off of a table and got a rather bad bash on the front edge. It made me sick and sad as I sat on the table bench hugging it, adrenaline coursing through my body, my mind's eye filled with the slow-mo picture of my beautiful sweet grand new guitar slipping and sliding towards its fall.

New Attitude is Saturday. I need it. It will be fun. I hope I can be cool and fellowship and hang out with people and not be sourly striving for popularity or satisfaction from others. I'm looking forward to getting to know Tim. I hope there's a good way to hang with the Akron people and Daniel's room over in the Galt House.

Tomorrow I have no lab (alternate team set's week) so I have nothing but reading response questions to do until Short Stories at noon. Coo'

I still am blowing copiously and frequently from my nose, and clearing my throat with unusual productivity. Stupid lingering grinding inconveniencing mucus production! Just heal, stupid body! Funny. I can jump higher, do more pull-ups and one-armed pushups, lift more relative to body size, and out-wrestle most people I know, but I pretty much have the weakest physique and composition. Any little thing seems to mess me up worse than everbody else, and for longer than everybody else. And that's on far better food and more sleep than a lot of my peers. Ugh. Wusha. Ah well. Malesh. Or more like mish afim. To understand this feeling (applied to more than physique), listen to "Slips Away."

G'night! Ugh. Too many exclamation points and smiley faces. Good night. There. The sullen cool in-control voice. The "I'm not really this over-excited dorky impressionable attention-desperate geek" voice. Pfft. Screw that, though I still try it sometimes.

--Clear Ambassador

This weekend, in no particular order,

I got a haircut and shaved my beard.

I watched 4 episodes of Lost and became engaged.

I watched Mission: Impossible III at the Waterfront with Ice Man and UK.

I played drums at church.

I ate Lebanese food for lunch today.

I composed and recorded another song.

I continued to support the Kleenex industry.

I kicked around in the Wal-Mart parking lot with my brother and two girls at midnight.

I saw pictures of a blimp hanger on fire.

I had an intense passionfruit-flavored energy drink.

I ran sound for a wedding (I seriously forgot about the whole wedding until just now!).

I discovered that the Hank Williams song "Honky Tonkin'" has only one chord, E, except for one beat of a B7 at the end of the chorus.

I saw a Cubs catcher sock a player right in the head.

I coordinated teardown for the second week.

I don't know when I'm going to do my homework for Tuesday :-(

Because we're doing Daniel's homeschool graduation shindig tomorrow night.

I wrote a lot about myself here :-/

It finally got sunny today after about 10 days of cloudy rain, but it's still in the fifties! Strange. Weather this year has been unorthodox.

The sermon was about fellowship being, in many respects, the lifeblood af a Christian life. I want to be more purposeful and others-serving when I'm with church folks.

Several times this weekend I felt like the outside loser grasping at crumbs of common ground with the cool people and milking them too much.

I sang "Before the Throne of God Above" in the shower and it was great, and I'd like it to be my theme this week 'cause it proclaims and gazes at the glory of Jesus Christ with soul-stirring brilliance.

--Clear Ambassador

Lazy Days and Fun Weekend

Hey there future self! It's been awhile, eh? Well, I've been busy lazing about doing nothing and enjoying the heck out of myself. In a way. The enjoyment of the moment--collapsing on my bed and watching Simpsons--is soon soured by the regret and nagging uneasiness of the tasks left undone during that time. So while my mind and body are fairly rested and *happy*, my room has gone from clean and open to cluttered and discouraging. I haven't finished the BHG project for Mom, I haven't been having regular quiet times, and that clutter in my room, besides cluttering my room, is mostly things I need to deal with--forms to fill out, receipts to enter in my checking account balance, letters to file, laundry to do...

I've been realizing that I need to take sharp heed to the tempatation to wait to approach God until I'm making headway on those things--until I'm measuring up to what I should be. One of the few things I have done is pick up where I left off in Numbers on my journey through the Old Testament. There I came across a poignant picture of the gospel: After reading through pages and pages of Israel's astounding rebellion and doubt (in the face of jaw-dropping physical displays of God's blatant reality) Balaam, asked to curse the nation, receives this word from God: "I see no wickedness in Jacob; I observe no iniquity in Israel." Balaam's three blessings are basically God bragging about Israel to Moab. They are His chosen people, and look out anybody who tries to touch them! He was proud of them, He protected them and avenged them, and yes, He delighted in them. Not because they were worthy (not by a long shot) but because He had chosen them.

Such it is exactly with me. I'm wholly as bad as Israel in my heart and actions, but God, to display His glory and power, has chosen me and justified me, and now proudly states, "I see no wickedness in John; I observe no iniquity in John Behrens." I'm very glad that New Attitude is in less than two weeks. I anticipate its powerful refreshment of the basic truths of the Gospel--refreshment I need and am praying for.

As far as what's going on, well...lesee. Last week was the first week of class, but my Short Stories in Context elective hadn't started yet, so I only had the pillar class, "Reactive Process Engineering." I napped a lot, wrote and recorded a lot, and lazed around in leiu of the press of full-time work and a class. This week I've been buckling down a bit more and slowly girding up the belt of homework in the evenings. Plus I got sick on Tuesday, dang it. Stupid sickness. I couldn't even really feel it coming on like I usually can. Just Tuesday afternoon I started feeling crappy, and the next morning the roof of my mouth was swollen and my nose was running like a faucet. Hateful. It's on its way out now, though, thankfully. And it shall not shake my working out. MWF last week and M this week, and I shall pick it up again next Monday. It's sad how weak I am compared to when I ended last fall, but oh well. And I'm doing my best to stretch my stupid tight weak hamstrings, hoping to get them flexible so my knees can be normal. And working on my shoulders, gently, to strengthen them and get rid of that weird tendon stuff that racked me a month ago. I've got a crummy body, and that's a fact I've had to face these past months. Daniel can get beat up and banged around and be ok, but me--one good fall and some joint is all messed up for the next 2 weeks. Heck, even normal scrapes don't heal right! You can still see plain as day the rings around my ankles that got worn off from the ice skates New Year's Eve. Rrrg. Oh well.

This weekend was hedged behind and before with dental appointments. I got 5 cavities filled Friday, on the left side, and 2 on Monday on the right side. I had to face on of the few (as in maybe 5) true gut-wrenching fears of my childhood--novacain shots in the mouth. Double whammy. But they came and went, and though my mind still contorts itself in all kinds of jibblies when a needle is stuck in me, I'm not that worried about them any more. But I still won't give blood. *shudder* I think God will need to give me a lot of grace when I start getting old and have to have all kinds of nasty medical procedures done to me. Cross that bridge when I get to it. Now the left side of my mouth is very sensitive, and I wonder why and if I should call up the dentist. I'll give it some time, and we'll see. Pop is bad for teeth. But I love it so :-(

The weekend itself was cool. Friday Daniel and I had a nice dinner and talk at Taco Bell and then met Nate at the Southside Works theater to watch "United 93." It was a moving and gripping film, and I rejoiced in the simplicity and realism of its treatment of 9/11. We walked to Caribu Coffee in the grey drizzle that has covered Pittsburgh for the last 10 days and sat in its warm outdoorsy decor and talked and sipped great mochas. Nate's one swell guy :-)

On Saturday....I don't recall much in the morning/afternoon. I think I worked on the BHG project more. Anyway, the big event was going to the Pirates game that evening. Jess and Steph, and then Heather and Matt congregated at our house and then we headed downtown in the minivan. Triple date :-P It was fun to hang out with this crew and to get to know Jess and Steph (Jeph), with whom I haven't spent much time. The 'rates lost, of course, but it was close enough to maintain some interest in the game. We mostly got food, ate it, took pictures, danced to the silly stadium music, and watched the mildly retarded people in the rows below and above us. Pretty sweet and funny people.

The evening didn't end with the last out of the 9th, though. For a PGP we granted Heather's request to try Cold Stone at the South Side Works. It was indeed open, so after getting our concoctions we walked to the fountain outside the Cheescake Factory and sat on the benches for a long time, joking, making funny noises, running through the fountain and watching other people run through the fountain. Gotta love those late night random hang-out times. And Matt made everything pretty funny. He's like Brian Chima--whatever he does is funny, and he can make things light hearted and funny that wouldn't be otherwise. Gumby. One in a million. At last we walked back to the car and returned home in the darkness of Sunday morning. Good times.

I played electric on Sunday, and since I broke a string on my normal Strat I was forced to use the new one I bought last week at Guitar Center. It's a sweet instrument, though the lack of a humbucker at the bridge is limiting sometimes. In general the worship was fairly rough, so I didn't get to think about the songs or the words too much. And then I pretty much slept through Dave Harvey's sermon (he'd come up to surprise Jere Harvey for Mother's Day. Cue the "awwww" :-)). When I was awake enough to listen it seemed like pretty solid stuff on denying ourselves and following Christ. Which is the antithesis to the self-serving laziness that has been dragging me down of late.

After church all normal people went and did stuff with their Moms. But Mom and Dad had opera tickets, so Daniel and I were left free. After teardown we hooked up with Steph and the Quinlisks, who likewise had no immediate Mother's Day activities, and we went to Panera for lunch. Poor Steph went to the wrong one, and it took about an hour for her to make it to ours. The bagels were good, and the Dr.Pepper was great, though I got burned out on it by the end of the afternoon. After eating and talking we wandered outside and strolled through the dollar store, the Eckerd and the pet store in that strip. I found Vanillamyntz Thinnie Tinnies, which in itself would make any week. But in addition, they were $0.18 per tin! So I bought nine! :-) I truly could hardly believe it was true. What joy! Finally around 5 o'clock we went out separate ways. Daniel and I picked up some good steaks and mushrooms at Shop 'n' Save for dinner and got home about half an hour before Mom and Dad's return. That night we had a fancy dinner and Mom and Dad got their presents. It was Dad's birthday too. Fifty years old. Kind of interesting to have your father be that old. Fifty is definitely past the midpoint of life.

So, I think that's the weekend. I made a CD of a well-ordered collection of my best recordings for Mom and Dad, and I'm working on the BHG project for Mom. I've got several recordings in the works, and in the last few weeks I've written two that I'm pretty happy with. School seems to promise a fairly comfortable and mildly enjoyable work load, and the only tension apparent is the difficulty of fitting working out and NOVA into the same day. Tomorrow I walk around the plant with Bob Wasileski for 3 hours and we tag abandoned equipment. I'll catch lunch at the Midway too, yay! Then Uncle Keith shows up from, of all places, Akron. He's got a new customer there, so he's been in my second city all week and he's chillin' here for the weekend before returning next week. Saturday I'm running sound for Leah and Doug's wedding. Next weekend is New Attitude. The next weekend is a likely Pure Boss gig at the Orange Street, and the weekend after that is the big dance show. Then I think the next week is Youth Camp!

Tomorrow the alarm will go off at 7am and I'll hit it four or five times until about 7:45, at which time I'll scramble to get dressed, pack my backpack and get some sort of breakfast before leaving at 8:20 or so for Pitt. I'll drive because I'll be going to NOVA right after class, and since it's summer I can find parking. NOVA till probably 4:30, as soon as I can leave, then back home to UK and Daniel for whatever we want to do.

I've been a bit more adventurous this semester so far, specificially in going places on campus that I've always wanted to go. I've gotten lunch at the trailers once and I finally went to the "Salem's Halal Meat Market" on Bouquet, which I've seen a hundred times. Good food, and cool European pop. I like myself when I do stuff like that. Perhaps I'll even go the Carnegie Museum some afternoon, or stop by the Phipp's Conservatory on my way home. Or maybe even go to that dingy looking Hungarian food place in Hazelwood. Ooooohhhh.

For now it's shower and bed. Yay I've caught up on the blog!

--Clear Ambassador

OK, time to talk about last weekend. It was in Akron. Well, I was. Everybody else was still here, living another weekend with me totally gone. I remember realizing that one moment: huh. When I'm in Akron, everybody else in Pittsburgh is still doing their normal stuff! That would kinda stink if Daniel was gone all the time like that.

Anyway, this weekend was weird. Weird because work was over so I felt a bit free. Weird because almost all the grand band plans I had formulated and stated for about a month evaporated three days before my planned arrival. Steve was working, Brian was rehearsing for the show, the Saturday Morning Soccer League was having its season-end tournament... So, I kinda killed a lot of time until Sunday afternoon when we practiced. But, although in one view a lot of time was wasted, I've gone a long time without just sitting around and catching my breath, so I think there was still a low-level productivity to the weekend.

I came up Thursday night, but only after spending hours downstairs playing my new USA Strat through Doug (my kick-butt 70's Fender Bassman 100 tube amp) and recording what I came up with. Then I was all sorta happy and late-nighty at home and I still had to load all this music stuff up and drive two hours to Akron. *sigh*. But I did, and the drive was sweet. I listened to Second Corinthians, which is a great letter, and enjoyed the dark semi-isolation of night highways. That night I pretty much just said hi to folks, helped Steve with his paper, and went to bed at about 2:30.

Steve stayed up all night writing the paper, and when I arose to the screaming cell phone alarm at 6am I proofread it for him before going to prayer. Ah, finally I made it to Friday morning prayer! I got there way late, but still got in on a lot of good praying for the church, conferences, people, etc. Pastor Jim prayed for me at the end, and he hit two topics that I had been struck by in my half-day "retreat" Thursday. Strength in the inner man and knowledge of Christ. Cool!

After prayer was one of the cool blue highlights of the weekend. Not a blaring HIGHLIGHT!!!, just a nice cool enjoyable time sitting in Starbucks with Craig and Jessica sippin' a double-shot white chocolate mocha and talking, gazing out the window as the fresh spring sunshine filled the awakening day. Jess mildly spaced out, filled with thoughts about the drama show that night, while Criag and I covered a lot of ground regarding music and movies, and a few bits of real conversation I threw in :-) After we finally pulled ourselves out of the big comfy chairs and left, Craig and I decided to go Jen watching at Quiznos. So we spent half an hour hanging out in an unopened sub shop, taking pictures, leaning on the tables, and distracting the employees from their jobs :-) At the end Jen filled my water bottle (hers that she gave me) up with DR.PEPPER from the fountain! Oh wonder of wonders!

Friday afternoon I pretty much slaughtered a bunch of time at the Hoffmans while Steve worked for Arlea-Dettweiler Landscape. Hung out with the dance girls, played guitar, watched some Cirque do Solei (sp?), and eventually migrated to the studio in Mike's room to listen through some old reels and try to get the bass for "Summer Song." Three hours later I'd heard some weird weird stuff and STILL hadn't gotten the bass right once. Arg. And the skin was getting shredded on my lefthand fingers. So I gave up, and we started moving towards the CoG Academy drama show, which commenced at 7pm. A Taco Bell/ATM run later I was on my way, looking forward to seeing what my friends were putting on.

The show was great, in my opinion. Certainly not a professional production, but who'd expect that?? It was a solid melodrama (which means the audience claps and boos and cheers and stuff), but the people playing the parts really made it shine. Brian, Jen, Tori, Ethan, Adam... they were hilarious! The singing wasn't too bad, and a lot of the acting was pretty good. Overall an eminently enjoyable evening. And of course I hung around till the bitter end helping tear stuff down. Then I grabbed Steve-O at the H's and met Brian and Nick at Applebee's for a crazy late dinner with Jess Arlea randomly showing up. Once at home we just went to bed. More and more these days I'm getting super tired late at night and just want to sleep. Perhaps I'm getting old.

Saturday was...soccer, frisbee, Murphys and music. The soccer tournament was from 10 to 1, and by the third and championship game it was pretty intense. Pretty chilly, too, unfortunately. But fun to watch. Then 9 of us got together for a sweetly competent and competitive game of ultimate frisbee in the big sunny park. Three dudes doing public service joined up for awhile too, which was fun. Great game, and much fun. Man, nothing can compare to the aerial dynamics of a thrown frisbee.

Dan and Justin Murphy had no ride home, so I took 'em, and we stopped at Zack's for ice-cream. At the Murphys I talked in the entryway for awhile, and then Mrs. M made pancakes and eggs and I was invited in to partake--welcome sustenance after a draining game. So D, J and I sat at the table and ate and talked, and then went outside and played basketball. Ah, the sweet feeling of jumping up, floating on air, and rolling the ball off my right hand, watching it arc down to the rim. Good times. Once we were good and tired and sunburnt and crusted in sweat we came inside, rinsed off, and then came the third highlight of the weekend (the play was number 2): sitting on the family room couch with Jess, playing guitar and singing worship songs while Dan plunked along and Mrs. Murphy read and listened. I haven't gone through a worship notebook and played songs in ages, and this time it was complemented with Jess's sweet voice. Man, we had some nice harmonies on some of those songs! We've gotta play a coffee house sometime :-)

Eventually I left/got kicked out as Jess had to get ready for the cast party. So I cruised back in to the Hoffman's gravel driveway and Steve and I started working on recording again. I finally did get the bass right, and then we came up with a perfect jammin' prelude track for Summer Song. That was good, but we both fell asleep in the den as we came up with it, so it didn't get recorded. Mmm, sleeeep...

Got to church 7 minutes late Sunday (arg, I HATE being late for church!!), but worship was great (bearing the fruits of Thursday's retreat) and I had some good talks after the service. Original lunch plans fell through, and Steve and I ended up hitting Taco Bell and then packing up for band practice. I was pretty mentally dead, but lunch was still nice. See, Stephen is the kind of friend that I can be mentally dead around, but it's not a problem, sitting there at the table in Taco Bell, not saying anything.

Band practice was the fifth highlight of the weekend (worship was the fourth). Finally we were doing productive band stuff, and FINALLY we could start to address the issues that had tortured my mind after the YMCA concert. We randomly played through a bunch of our standard songs, concentrating on slowing the tempo down. Some of them were overslowed, but in general we could play them much better and easierly (?). And we hashed some sweet jams around Summer Song, too.

As practice was winding down Lancer (Mr. Chima) started grilling pork chops, and he invited us to join them for dinner. That was a corollary highlight with band practice: hanging with the Chimas as a family (minus Rachel). They're a very funny bunch to talk with (funny as in humor, not as in weird :-P), and they were recalling olden days, which was cool. I smile to think of Brian as a 9-year-old :-) At last I foot-draggingly packed up my car, played some 2-on-2 and pulled out the driveway. I still had to swing by the Murphys and collect some owed dough and return some borrowed CD's, so it was about 9 o'clock by the time I set out in earnest for home.

I stopped by the highway on the road back from Akron, with nothing but darkness for miles around, to write a song on a whim. The song was pretty cool, capturing that post-trip dark highway driving mood a bit. Then I got seriously messed up trying to get back to 79 after a stop in Cranberry and ended up going a stupidly long way around on the irritatingly exit-less turnpike. Very irritating. Alas. After all the grand spiritual whatever and fun times with friends, there I am, angry as all heck in my car, over something that, viewed from an objective perspective, really only cost me $2 and 30 minutes. You probably have no idea how discouraging it is to, time after time after time after time, drag myself down into the God-resisting misery of anger about circumstances. And it doesn't feel like I'm dragging myself, but rather that I'm being dragged down by the stupid %&*$ that's happening to me for no reason on earth. It just gets really hard to apply Jesus' all-atoning death on the cross.

But don't let a scummy end drag down a nice trip. As I look back over the weekend in my mind I mostly remember that mildly warm, wind-blown, sunny feeling sitting there in Starbucks or playing frisbee in the park. Relaxed, not super busy, with people I really enjoy. Now I just want to come right back and spend a weekend working hard core on band stuff! With New Attitude, worship team and other commitments, though, I'm not sure when I can make it back. 's OK, though. God will bring me back in the right time.

The weekend has come and is gone,
And real life keeps plugging along.
I said my good-byes,
And I hoped that I'd find myself back on the road here again.

--Clear Ambassador

What a Night

Well, I haven't posted much in the ol' online journal, but that's because I've been spending my time doing what I did tonight: writing and recording songs. And I'll take as many songs as come to me. I've gone through a poetry streak, a writing streak, and now apparently a song writing streak. And each new evening after I sit down with the Parkwood and work the song out I grab the guitar, hop downstairs, and record it. And the new computer and guitar let me do that quickly, casually, and good-soundingly. Major yay for that. Something I've wanted for ages and finally have.

So, tonight I was actually driving to Shop 'n' Save to cash my tax refund check when the first line of a chorus came to mind. It was a wonderful night tonight--warm, dark, and I didn't have to get up early the next morning. So after using the ATM I drove up behind Wal-mart and climbed up the ridge overlooking the slag pile. That point is the highest land for a five mile radius at least, and as you crest the ridge the entire Pleasant Hills / Century III / Route 51 shopping area opens up before you like a dramatic movie shot. I sat up there, clutching car maintenance receipts in the ceaseless wind and writing down lines as they came to me with the pen I use to write down gas mileages on receipts. The result is the song below.

To listen, go HERE.

What a Night

(Chorus)
What a night to just sit here and let the warm wind blow and not make me cold
And what a night to hide high in this darkness where no one could see or could know...
I'm alone

(Verse 1)
And what a night to stay inside and watch the TV screen and waste my time
And what a night to take a drive down well-kept roads in a smooth blue car that's mine
And what a night to think about my life and what I'm doin' with it now
And what a night to wish that I had some good way to lay it down (chorus)

(Verse 2)
And how discouraging it is to honestly take stock of who and what I am
And how unsettling to think of how my life and love look to the Son of Man
And how do I do what I know I should
When I don't take God's helping when I could? (chorus)

(Verse 3)
And now the rain begins to fall as I sit here and look at all the shopping malls
And honestly the wind has made me more than just a little chilly, yes I'm cold
But something doesn't want to go away
As I stand high above this land and say

Oh what a night to just sit here and let the warm wind blow and not make me cold
And oh what a night to hide high in this darkness where no one could see or could know...
I'm alone

And oh what a night to be dreaming of all the great things that I wish I could be
And oh what a night to walk down to my car and drive home to the way that things are

*****************

Those last two lines came to me as I stood up, ready to clamber down the loose dirt slope back to the Mazda, parked by the big blank back wall of Wal-mart. In a way I consider them some of the best lines I've ever written. Finally I've captured that night feeling, that wishing-I-could-do-something-extraordinary feeling.

Hope it is somewhat as meaningful to you as it is to me...

--Clear Ambassador

Classes Return

So, today saw the return of classes. Intermediate Physical Chemistry robbed this spring semester of co-op's typical respite from the oppression of homework. I was busier than I think I've ever been before, and after a 5-day weekend, the business starts back up again. 13 credits of classes plus two trips a week out to NOVA promise a continued absence of breathing room during the week, and frisbee games, recording with Pure Boss, trips, camps, conferences and summer fun promise a dwindling number of unobstructed weekends. I've honestly been feeling trapped this weekend as I contemplated the irresistable flow of classes coming to sweep away my time from Monday until mid August. I've serious thought through the possibility of taking this summer or fall off. But if I did I would have to take three semesters to get to graduation, and I only have a scholarship for two. I just feel like I need a long period of open time to catch up. Catch up with my room, devotions, family and housework, recording and practicing music, and sleep. This entire past semester has felt half cocked--over before I was ever really ready for it.

Now, when I start to go on like this everybody laughs and says "welcome to real life." Thanks to Dad I know that the fullness of supporting and raising a family is what God made men for, and though it precludes the individual pursuits that excite me now, it satisfies and justifies at a deeper level. So, though I may not feel it now, I'm willing to walk on in this life as God brings it. That said, I feel unsettled about the prospect of life careening on like this. There may be nothing in this beyond me just needing to make better choices, but I'm not sure. I wonder if I'm not cut out for an eight-hour-a-day job. Engineering used to be pretty enjoyable for me, as I worked and studied, but now it seems more like something to get through and over. I got a B+ in P-chem, which for me is an earned failure because I didn't want to work hard enough in the class. As time goes on I feel less and less inclined to a normal job in engineering, not just because of preference, but perhaps as a matter of competence and necessary dedication. Perhaps. Could teaching be the answer? Something more exotic? Such speculations are presumptious, I think, unless God starts bringing them up in a more serious light. Engineering will provide a stable base for a home, and so far it has paid for the amenities that draw me away from it (I just spent $1600 in the past 2 months on music stuff).

So, I sit here and wonder what will become of my life, and if I'm destined to look back over it and see satisfaction somehow sprung from years of unrelenting responsibilities dragging me along.

We got out of class an hour early, I most likely hooked up with a solid homework group partner, I worked out, and I got lunch from the trailers on Bigelow. I called off work and I'll go in tomorrow and Wednesday. I'm going to lay back now and doze now to ward off the sickness I can feel nipping at my heels. Hank (Williams Sr.) sings to me, Daisy snoozes in the chair, and Mom and Daniel are at Readers and Writer's Club--the last one ever for Daniel. I wrote a new song last night, and I think it's good (as opposed to the ones I wrote over the past week, none of which you'll probably ever hear). And don't worry, I'll be writing about the weekend soon. It was too unusual to leave undocumented.

Trapped in many good things,

--Clear Ambassador

Trackin' to Akron Again

I'm stopped by the highway
On the road back from Akron
There's nothing but darkness
For miles around
I'm stopped by the highway
There's no one beside me
My friends are behind me
As I'm homeward bound

The weekend has come and is gone
As real life keeps plodding along
I said my good-byes, and hoped that I'd find myself back on the road here again

I'm back on the highway
On the road back from Akron
I think of what happened
In the days I just lived
I'm back on the highway
The headlights will guide me
To the beagle beside me
At home once again

The weekend is gone
And real life goes on
Till I find myself back here again

The weekend is gone
Till I find myself on the road trackin' to Akron again

Short Story

Dr. Pepper. That's my topic, and apparently I'm here to write a short story about it. He was never really a doctor, but I didn't let that bother me. He made me feel better, and ultimately that's what doctors do. Fountains, bottles, cans...they follow me wherever I go, and I know that no matter how low I get, how lost I feel, there's a bubbly brown friend to pick me back up again. Like that one day back when I had the red Plymouth and I'd just finished college in North Carolina.

It was the spring of '79. Ugly cars, weird clothes, nasty music. The road to South Dakota seemed to get longer the more I drove it, and outside Blakesly, Iowa I called it quits and rolled into a mildly undangerous-looking motel. It felt pretty weird--out there in a random spot on the map, uprooted from my house in Charlottesville, on my way to what I hoped would become another home. I'd always been anchored to one spot, a house, or even a ship for awhile, and now I was enjoying this new free feeling, even as it left me feeling a bit lost.

So, what do you do in a new town? Once I was up in the morning I walked outside my room and squinted at the blank midwest summer sunshine. Bikes. I could really go for a bike ride right now. Hm. Rent one? Where? Buy one? With whose money? Alright, scratch that. I'll take a drive with the windows open, and see what's cookin'.

Heh. I'd like to tell you I met charming people and fell in love with the winsome locality, settling my roots in a new home, welcomed in by the good souls of meat 'n' potatoes America. Sorry. Go read some fiction if you want that :-) I drove around, blinking blankly at the boring buildings and finally deciding that if you weren't born here, you'd probably never know or care that it existed. So I stopped at a gas station and scoped out the shelves for the perfect snack to suit my fancy. Skittles...make me too thirsty. Candy bar? Ditto. Pop. Soda. Whatever they call it here, I could go for one. And what else, I mean honestly, besides the Doctor?

So, the only thing I took away from Blakesly Iowa was a 10-cent bottle of Dr.Pepper. That and a good night's sleep. And a new certainty that I wanted to live in a city :-) The road wasn't quite so long after that, and later that day I pulled in to Dave's house, more than happy to see a face I knew. South Dakota, here I am!

Here's to the Doctor, bubb'ly and cold,
Here's to the beverage in bottles of old.
Here's to the flavor that keeps us refreshed
Here's to the soda that we love the best!

--Anthony Lawyer

New guitar, woohoo!

Praise the Lord with the [guitar];
Make melody to Him with an
   instrument of [six] string.
Sing to Him a new song;
Play skillfully with a shout of
   joy.
For the word of the Lord is right,
And all His work is done in truth.
He loves righteousness and
   justice;
The earth is full of the
   goodness of the Lord.
---Psalm 33:2-5

I've gotta share my joy, and I figured my best bet was with some guitar-type folks :-)

I stopped by Guitar Center yesterday for a strap, and came out with a Strat. USA Strat, to be specific. $1200, you ask? Used for $800? No sirree! Beat up, corroded, dented and dinged, custom hardware, unidentified random holes drilled in the body....for $400. And it still has that clear sweetness and solidity of a US Strat that keeps people buyin' em. It's metallic red with an aluminum pickguard and stuff for locking tuners (woot woot!).

I've cleaned it up a bunch, and tonight I put new heavy gauge strings on it and plugged it to "Doug," the '70's Fender Bassman 100 that I picked up at the Midway. Fender + Fender + cranked to 10 = sweetness. Sweetness + recording stuff = sweet mp3 :-) Mildly sweet. I can see now I rushed everything. But ya know, the spirit is there. So, hope y'all enjoy some recorded ramblings from the Behrens basement...

Click to enjoy recorded music

The goodness of the Lord, as manifested in vintage all-tube distortion :-)

--JPB

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