Four thirty? *tsk* ugh John, you did it again - stayed up till some ungodly hour and now your day tomorrow will be all messed up, and the time's gone, and you're just so irresponsible.
HAH.
Not tonight.
I'm on night shift, baby!
Yeppersindeed. I'm on temporary assignment as quasi hot end supervisor for A crew. My boss brought up the idea, for me to solidly learn the basics of the process without paperwork distractions, and to get to know the shift schedule first hand.
We started on nights last Monday, working 6pm to 6am. Monday night, Tuesday night, then Wednesday and Thursday off, except we had offsite training 8am - 2pm Thursday, so that sorta killed one of the days off. Now I'm wrapping up the 3-day weekend, which is pretty much the longest stretch on the schedule. Monday and Tuesday are off, then we're in Wednesday and Thursday nights, and off for a 3-day weekend.
Most people gag when I tell them the night shift hours. Six to six, pm to am, sounds hellacious, but so far I'm a big fan. First-off, to make the switch to that schedule, you have to stay up as late as possible the night before, then sleep as late as possible the day you go on, so you can get up and go right in to work at 6. Stay up and sleep in? Aww, do I have to? Secondly, anything at night is fundamentally cooler. Which is more memorable - driving a big run-down dump truck across concrete pads by piles of broken glass in grey daylight at 11:30am, or driving through the shadows and stark lights at 3am with a translucent black void overhead and the rest of the world asleep and quiet? Thirdly, I have to agree with what everyone's been saying: it's more peaceful on night turn. None of the daylight people are here changing things, looking things over, and creating more action. Not that any of that is bad, but there doth be a pleasant peace in their absence.
What have I been doing? A few days were spent basically as a tin bath operator, which was highly needed to get me familiar with that key key area of the process. I'm not proficient, by a long shot, but I at least know what's going on now. Then Dale, the process tech / effective hot end supervisor, was off Saturday, so the game was all on me. I made sure I understood the thickness and size changes coming up, and spent a lot of time hauling cullent (in the dump truck under inky black void). It was also totally on me to know, to KNOW, that the process wasn't falling apart, heading for disaster, head out of spec, or any other deleterious and undesirable direction. It's easy to sit back and figure everything's running like it should, but I always think, what if my boss came in and prowled over the whole process? What would he find? What if he asks me what something is doing? Could I say from first-hand knowledge, or would it be some mushy "I think it's OK." You gotta be there, and you gotta know. And I was and I did, and I do right now, and it's sweet. God has been answering prayers for better comprehension and retention of process info, which has been driving me crazy lately.
Hopefully that was meaningful. I always wonder what people actually DOOOO at their jobs, so that's what I do. That, plus spend about a third of my time hanging around at the tin bath control room, chatting, writing the hourly numbers, asking questions, giving breaks, going out on headsets if things get squirrely.. whatever's needed. I really like the people on this crew, so those hang out times are nice.
So yes, I am up at 4:30, and I'll be up for another couple hours. The Vault I drank at 1:30 is still coursing through my veins, staving off the ravenous tiredness that I know is actually there. Getting up after 2 hours and going to church this morning (last morning, that is) was ROUGH. Rough in a way that basically powned me.
So far we're packin' about 92.5%. 2.5 over target! w00t for that. Hopefully Earl and Bob and the guys will find the place in good order when they come in in a couple hours. My goal is that they will have no fodder for complaint as they sip their coffees this morning. We'll see.
--JPB
A-Crew hot end supervisor
Monday, March 17, 2008
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Made For
"Well Greg, I can honestly say that a couple hours with your family is enough to make me feel at peace with my 'life direction' of heading towards getting married and having a family," I said with a smile.
It was true!
Life exudes from every pore of the Calvetti house. LIFE! From every marker on the school room table, from every crowded cabinet, from the drums by the piano and the little voices singing along to the songs I played.
"The guys at work were talking about how much money kids cost, and I certainly enjoy being able to save and buy stuff right now.. but what is a microphone, compared to Timothy? It's ridiculous to even make that comparison."
Yes, it's not all fun and games, and not always peaceful, but the energy and reality and life pouring out of those kids, from Benjamin and Timothy bounding around the floor to Sarah bundling up to go babysit Andrew and Peggy's girl... that trumps delay pedals and meals out at Ethiopian restaurants and me sitting here staying up late because the only one who will be affected is myself.
Like Dad says, it's what we men were made for.
--Clear Ambassador
It was true!
Life exudes from every pore of the Calvetti house. LIFE! From every marker on the school room table, from every crowded cabinet, from the drums by the piano and the little voices singing along to the songs I played.
"The guys at work were talking about how much money kids cost, and I certainly enjoy being able to save and buy stuff right now.. but what is a microphone, compared to Timothy? It's ridiculous to even make that comparison."
Yes, it's not all fun and games, and not always peaceful, but the energy and reality and life pouring out of those kids, from Benjamin and Timothy bounding around the floor to Sarah bundling up to go babysit Andrew and Peggy's girl... that trumps delay pedals and meals out at Ethiopian restaurants and me sitting here staying up late because the only one who will be affected is myself.
Like Dad says, it's what we men were made for.
--Clear Ambassador
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
This is how it happens
Tonight I sent 5 emails about youth camp stuff, three of them large, long-thought-out ones thick with non-simple questions and items requiring action.
You may wonder, like I did years ago, what *planning youth camp* actually involved (or planning any big event, for that matter). The answer is mostly stuff like this. A lot of other people do things like making specific lists, buying actual items, printing signs, etc., but my role is more looking over it all and figuring out what needs to be decided (and by whom), what needs to be delegated (and to whom), who needs to be involved, and what needs to be communicated to them. This mostly takes place via the thinking involved in writing documents or emails, or in talking to someone on the phone or in person.
Perhaps this level of abstraction isn't interesting to you, but it certainly would have been to me back 5 years ago, as I stood and clapped for Steve Murphy and his mysterious work for youth camp.
You may wonder, like I did years ago, what *planning youth camp* actually involved (or planning any big event, for that matter). The answer is mostly stuff like this. A lot of other people do things like making specific lists, buying actual items, printing signs, etc., but my role is more looking over it all and figuring out what needs to be decided (and by whom), what needs to be delegated (and to whom), who needs to be involved, and what needs to be communicated to them. This mostly takes place via the thinking involved in writing documents or emails, or in talking to someone on the phone or in person.
Perhaps this level of abstraction isn't interesting to you, but it certainly would have been to me back 5 years ago, as I stood and clapped for Steve Murphy and his mysterious work for youth camp.
Monday, February 25, 2008
If I were an Ohioan...
Hee hee hee hee heeeee :-D
*************************************
Justin, Daniel, if either of you are seeing this right now and getting it... this one was for you :-)
*************************************
PS folks, I'm eating corn.
P.P.S. It's the hair.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Open Issues / Report from the Crew
While I eat my massively greasy JPB-style Steak n Cheese sandwich and listen to Bloc Party thump in the family room, let me give you a similar update to what I gave the fine folks of our care group earlier this evening. (Last night, actually)
As some of you may know or remember, I had rough time with my job last year, feeling (and being) useless, excluded, and awkward all day every day, and being quite miserably unhappy many times.
It would be a disservice to let anyone keep thinking that is the case, and it would rob God of praise and appreciation that is due Him. I had a flash of realization as I walked toward the cullet silo this afternoon, striding by the furnace, pulling my gloves out: Here I am, DOING something! And not because someone told me to or I'm bored and wandering, but because I know what's going on, what needs to happen, and I need to know if the cullet getting run to the silo is wet or not.
I never have nothing to do, and haven't for a long time. I'm staying later and later, more oftener (for better or worse :-/), not because *that's what you do for your career*, but because there's stuff to do! I need to get caught up on the furnace, figure out where they should keep the refiner optical for the night, get the vibe at the tin bath, and finish my email to everybody summing up the day and instructing the night shift. There are days I walk around feeling like a million bucks, with a little inkling of thinking that maybe I'm a for-real working man, to stand next to people like Al and Earl and K-dog.
The coexistant flipside is the days like Wednesday, when I left the tin bath control room spewing violent frustration under my breath all the way to and around the furnace. That crew makes me feel like I'm being constantly mocked and laughed at by everyone, and I'm helplessly oblivious, with no respect and probably some animosity. Grates like fingernails on a chalkboard every second I'm around a certain group of the guys. And you know why they mock and ignore and discount me? Because I stink at this job! I can't make a single freaking decision on my own! Every step I think to take is wrong, and I just trip over myself again and dig myself deeper and miss some OTHER obvious thing. For the love of goodness, I can look at the furnace sheet for 30 minutes and turn away and not remember a single number! Bumbling over myself trying to report to superiors in the morning meeting, missing key factors in decisions, and utterly being NOT EARL. (My boss)
There is always at least a lurking fraction of that feeling during the days, but it is solidly overshadowed by the business and occasional satisfaction I described above it. Praise the Lord, even after a big Akron weekend flush with musical success, there was not one shred of unhappiness in going to work Monday morning. I didn't realize the degree of this blessing 'till I said it at care group. I can't remember the last time I didn't want to come to work, or not even mind or think about it. It's a real environment to me--alive with people, a dynamic & intriguing process, things to do, places to be, and good times to be had.
Now if I could just suck in a bunch of experience, flush out my brain's circuitry with contact cleaner, and be genuinely able to run the hot end! Untill I'm there, I am ill at ease.
That sandwich was SO GOOD ! I can feel the grease coming out of my pores already, but it was worth it. Mmmm. Yes, while everyone at work weighs in for the "Biggest Loser" competition, I'm running my own personal "Biggest Winner" campaign :-) So far I'm losing.
The second part of my update concerned the continuing drama of my spiritual quest.
Right now I'm in a good time. The best since last spring. So I don't want to recount and write down all the doubts, unanswered questions, self pity, victimization, sin, despair, dryness, deadness, and hopelessness I have been wading around in. Sometimes they have climbed up and ruled my day, but more often I walk about happily, even forgetting that at the end of the day, in the great gaping solitude of night, I have no real sureness that God actually exists, and the objective measures of my spiritual life are a thin film of oil on the dirty rainy ground... if you could even call it a spiritual life.
Dad reminds me that, be that all as it may, I am doing many objectively valuable and spiritually right things: serving a lot at church, not rebelling against home or parents or Christian friends, and not ditching the deep wisdom and provision of a solid job and chasing the fleeting fancies that get me all in a tizzy sometimes. At times I wrench at that very unchangingness, but in the end I suppose it's better to err on this side. ?. ??. I suppose. Dang folks, that one is hard.
But oh yeah -- this is a good time :-) It is! It started with a message about God's Word by Mike Pierson, from which God gave me a frank, "oh yeah.. let's do this" attitude that has resulted in reading Proverbs almost every night, genuinely poring down the pages for that great lady Wisdom that God extolls. I finally (i.e. God's inexplicable and independent grace) implemented the nagging feeling that I'm filling my head with music every spare moment, and not-God-things input = not-God-things mind and output. I've been listening to John Piper sermons to and from work, and they have been a key, humanly-persuasive (oh so persuasive!) voice inspiring me and making me feel like God is actually >real<. Struck with simple inspiration from a message on prayer, I have been getting together with Mike Q once a week to pray. To agree on earth concerning things, and change the world. Yeah! God has dropped frank faith on me for this, and looking at Jeremiah 39:12-14, I get a wisp of delicious hope that maybe things will actually change someday, and God "will be found by me." The jury is still out, and time will tell.
For now, I'm happy to be in a good time, and I'm ok with the unanswered questions hanging out there, and the lack of experience waiting to be resolved.
Now I have the microwaved rice bag sitting on my feet to try to keep them warm as cold air gradually fills the house. It's 2 am, and the heat kicks back to 50-something degrees way before then. Fingers cold, fleece zipped up to my chin... I'm flirting with sickness again, which apparently is nothing trite for my non-hardy body. Sucks to be someone like that.
Lastly, lest I forget such a great trip, here's the past weekend in Akron:
Earl let me go at noon Friday. I'm still surprised at how giddily good it felt to just DRIVE AWAY, halfway through the day!
We worked in the Chima's basement, which was lovely. I'll forever savor the mental image of the wood on the walls, the carpets on the floor-- couches on the far side, drums in the foreground, computer on the side ledge, cables and bags and pedals clogging the floor, long shadows in the darkness from the yellow lights across the room, the creeping seeping cold as the day got old, and the minutes of glorious warmth when the heater came on.
It was a weekend of low lows and dizzy highs. The lows are when limited time is already too much past, the part you're working on bears down on your shoulders with the weight of all the work it will still take to get it right, and the performance factor eats at your heart with fear since you could spend forever and even drive yourself further from actually playing it right in real time, when the record button is down. Oh that kills like little else. Just sucks you away on every level. But then I'd try the metronome in my headphones and suddenly KNOW that I could play those drums perfectly, perfectly on beat; and sit down there and beat them out and look at those six tracks on the computer and know that we had those drums! There, down for good, every time we play them back. I'm still dumbstruck by Brian's FLAWLESS and seamless double-tracking of his rhythm guitar (recording the same part over again on top of itself, exactly the same as he played it before. EXACTLY.), and I still relish the sweetness of those solid drums, bass and guitars together at the end of Saturday night. Sunday we finished the arrangement and recorded the last half of the song, which evolved through the entire weekend into something that has been stirring me almost to tears every time I listen to it. More travail, more crushing despair, and more exhilirating highs, ending with a movie-like scene where Steve sang out a flawless, perfect-pitch vocal track down in the dim basement as I sat in the chair and listened in increasing excitement and awe. As far as I'm concerned, this song blows away all of our previous material in terms of musical unity and vibrancy, and emotional depth and power.
Uh, other small details, we watched a stirring movie Friday night at the cheap theater with some folks, and Sunday I got up at 8:30 and had the first relaxed, pleasant Sunday morning in the past... 2 years? At least that I can remember. Long shower, non-stressed getting dressed and out the door, Starbucks, and time to talk at church. Wow!
Oh, and the weekend ended with the worst drive home ever. There is no reason I did not crash many times, and I never ever want to be that miserable and deathly sleepy and helpless again. I had to get home, I had to work the next day, I had to drive. Ugh, recounting it is unpleasant. Was it worth it for the song? I would not do it differently. Given another similar situation, I will cut the fun, pack it up, and head home. May 4:30 endure as the latest I ever get back home from Akron.
Ohh, the song has been delighting my heart! It's called "Sweeping Me," and I rescued it from being another stupid girl song and spurred us to these lyrics, with which I will end this post. I wrote most of the verses, which completed the preexisting chorus and bridge. It's basically an honest song about the tentative bud of love in our real Christian lives.
V1
How alike, how alone
How much longer, I want to know
Down in my heart, tucked away
Maybe we're meant for each other some day
But it's
CH
Sweeping me and sweeping you too
Hold on tight as I hold on too
'Cause the lights are singing, singing in you
The night it wonders, would you, could you?
Sweeping me and sweeping you too
Hold on tight as I hold on too
'Cause the lights are singing, singing in you
And the night it wonders would you?
Would you?
Would you?
Would you.
V2
You don't see, you don't know
What I wish, I could show
Wait and see, what might be
Falling for me as I've fallen for you
'Cause it's (CH)
Bridge
So this is how
The stars in the sky are shining like I feel now
So this is how
The clouds in the sky are drifting like I feel now
Because of this post I will have to sleep in very long tomorrow and will not get much done before Fuse fun night. But it's worth it, because somehow expression like this gives me great peace as life passes on and by. Seasons like this, weekends like this, little things like making myself a cool philly steak sandwich at midnight after care group and listening to new music while Daisy sleeps on the couch and the fire flickers away are not lost once I get these words down. The memory is stored to revisit and relive and benefit from in the future, and I can relax and know it's here.
It's a crazy game we play, this game that we call life.
We sit and speculate, as the days go by, the days go by
--JPB
As some of you may know or remember, I had rough time with my job last year, feeling (and being) useless, excluded, and awkward all day every day, and being quite miserably unhappy many times.
It would be a disservice to let anyone keep thinking that is the case, and it would rob God of praise and appreciation that is due Him. I had a flash of realization as I walked toward the cullet silo this afternoon, striding by the furnace, pulling my gloves out: Here I am, DOING something! And not because someone told me to or I'm bored and wandering, but because I know what's going on, what needs to happen, and I need to know if the cullet getting run to the silo is wet or not.
I never have nothing to do, and haven't for a long time. I'm staying later and later, more oftener (for better or worse :-/), not because *that's what you do for your career*, but because there's stuff to do! I need to get caught up on the furnace, figure out where they should keep the refiner optical for the night, get the vibe at the tin bath, and finish my email to everybody summing up the day and instructing the night shift. There are days I walk around feeling like a million bucks, with a little inkling of thinking that maybe I'm a for-real working man, to stand next to people like Al and Earl and K-dog.
The coexistant flipside is the days like Wednesday, when I left the tin bath control room spewing violent frustration under my breath all the way to and around the furnace. That crew makes me feel like I'm being constantly mocked and laughed at by everyone, and I'm helplessly oblivious, with no respect and probably some animosity. Grates like fingernails on a chalkboard every second I'm around a certain group of the guys. And you know why they mock and ignore and discount me? Because I stink at this job! I can't make a single freaking decision on my own! Every step I think to take is wrong, and I just trip over myself again and dig myself deeper and miss some OTHER obvious thing. For the love of goodness, I can look at the furnace sheet for 30 minutes and turn away and not remember a single number! Bumbling over myself trying to report to superiors in the morning meeting, missing key factors in decisions, and utterly being NOT EARL. (My boss)
There is always at least a lurking fraction of that feeling during the days, but it is solidly overshadowed by the business and occasional satisfaction I described above it. Praise the Lord, even after a big Akron weekend flush with musical success, there was not one shred of unhappiness in going to work Monday morning. I didn't realize the degree of this blessing 'till I said it at care group. I can't remember the last time I didn't want to come to work, or not even mind or think about it. It's a real environment to me--alive with people, a dynamic & intriguing process, things to do, places to be, and good times to be had.
Now if I could just suck in a bunch of experience, flush out my brain's circuitry with contact cleaner, and be genuinely able to run the hot end! Untill I'm there, I am ill at ease.
That sandwich was SO GOOD ! I can feel the grease coming out of my pores already, but it was worth it. Mmmm. Yes, while everyone at work weighs in for the "Biggest Loser" competition, I'm running my own personal "Biggest Winner" campaign :-) So far I'm losing.
The second part of my update concerned the continuing drama of my spiritual quest.
Right now I'm in a good time. The best since last spring. So I don't want to recount and write down all the doubts, unanswered questions, self pity, victimization, sin, despair, dryness, deadness, and hopelessness I have been wading around in. Sometimes they have climbed up and ruled my day, but more often I walk about happily, even forgetting that at the end of the day, in the great gaping solitude of night, I have no real sureness that God actually exists, and the objective measures of my spiritual life are a thin film of oil on the dirty rainy ground... if you could even call it a spiritual life.
Dad reminds me that, be that all as it may, I am doing many objectively valuable and spiritually right things: serving a lot at church, not rebelling against home or parents or Christian friends, and not ditching the deep wisdom and provision of a solid job and chasing the fleeting fancies that get me all in a tizzy sometimes. At times I wrench at that very unchangingness, but in the end I suppose it's better to err on this side. ?. ??. I suppose. Dang folks, that one is hard.
But oh yeah -- this is a good time :-) It is! It started with a message about God's Word by Mike Pierson, from which God gave me a frank, "oh yeah.. let's do this" attitude that has resulted in reading Proverbs almost every night, genuinely poring down the pages for that great lady Wisdom that God extolls. I finally (i.e. God's inexplicable and independent grace) implemented the nagging feeling that I'm filling my head with music every spare moment, and not-God-things input = not-God-things mind and output. I've been listening to John Piper sermons to and from work, and they have been a key, humanly-persuasive (oh so persuasive!) voice inspiring me and making me feel like God is actually >real<. Struck with simple inspiration from a message on prayer, I have been getting together with Mike Q once a week to pray. To agree on earth concerning things, and change the world. Yeah! God has dropped frank faith on me for this, and looking at Jeremiah 39:12-14, I get a wisp of delicious hope that maybe things will actually change someday, and God "will be found by me." The jury is still out, and time will tell.
For now, I'm happy to be in a good time, and I'm ok with the unanswered questions hanging out there, and the lack of experience waiting to be resolved.
Now I have the microwaved rice bag sitting on my feet to try to keep them warm as cold air gradually fills the house. It's 2 am, and the heat kicks back to 50-something degrees way before then. Fingers cold, fleece zipped up to my chin... I'm flirting with sickness again, which apparently is nothing trite for my non-hardy body. Sucks to be someone like that.
Lastly, lest I forget such a great trip, here's the past weekend in Akron:
Earl let me go at noon Friday. I'm still surprised at how giddily good it felt to just DRIVE AWAY, halfway through the day!
We worked in the Chima's basement, which was lovely. I'll forever savor the mental image of the wood on the walls, the carpets on the floor-- couches on the far side, drums in the foreground, computer on the side ledge, cables and bags and pedals clogging the floor, long shadows in the darkness from the yellow lights across the room, the creeping seeping cold as the day got old, and the minutes of glorious warmth when the heater came on.
It was a weekend of low lows and dizzy highs. The lows are when limited time is already too much past, the part you're working on bears down on your shoulders with the weight of all the work it will still take to get it right, and the performance factor eats at your heart with fear since you could spend forever and even drive yourself further from actually playing it right in real time, when the record button is down. Oh that kills like little else. Just sucks you away on every level. But then I'd try the metronome in my headphones and suddenly KNOW that I could play those drums perfectly, perfectly on beat; and sit down there and beat them out and look at those six tracks on the computer and know that we had those drums! There, down for good, every time we play them back. I'm still dumbstruck by Brian's FLAWLESS and seamless double-tracking of his rhythm guitar (recording the same part over again on top of itself, exactly the same as he played it before. EXACTLY.), and I still relish the sweetness of those solid drums, bass and guitars together at the end of Saturday night. Sunday we finished the arrangement and recorded the last half of the song, which evolved through the entire weekend into something that has been stirring me almost to tears every time I listen to it. More travail, more crushing despair, and more exhilirating highs, ending with a movie-like scene where Steve sang out a flawless, perfect-pitch vocal track down in the dim basement as I sat in the chair and listened in increasing excitement and awe. As far as I'm concerned, this song blows away all of our previous material in terms of musical unity and vibrancy, and emotional depth and power.
Uh, other small details, we watched a stirring movie Friday night at the cheap theater with some folks, and Sunday I got up at 8:30 and had the first relaxed, pleasant Sunday morning in the past... 2 years? At least that I can remember. Long shower, non-stressed getting dressed and out the door, Starbucks, and time to talk at church. Wow!
Oh, and the weekend ended with the worst drive home ever. There is no reason I did not crash many times, and I never ever want to be that miserable and deathly sleepy and helpless again. I had to get home, I had to work the next day, I had to drive. Ugh, recounting it is unpleasant. Was it worth it for the song? I would not do it differently. Given another similar situation, I will cut the fun, pack it up, and head home. May 4:30 endure as the latest I ever get back home from Akron.
Ohh, the song has been delighting my heart! It's called "Sweeping Me," and I rescued it from being another stupid girl song and spurred us to these lyrics, with which I will end this post. I wrote most of the verses, which completed the preexisting chorus and bridge. It's basically an honest song about the tentative bud of love in our real Christian lives.
V1
How alike, how alone
How much longer, I want to know
Down in my heart, tucked away
Maybe we're meant for each other some day
But it's
CH
Sweeping me and sweeping you too
Hold on tight as I hold on too
'Cause the lights are singing, singing in you
The night it wonders, would you, could you?
Sweeping me and sweeping you too
Hold on tight as I hold on too
'Cause the lights are singing, singing in you
And the night it wonders would you?
Would you?
Would you?
Would you.
V2
You don't see, you don't know
What I wish, I could show
Wait and see, what might be
Falling for me as I've fallen for you
'Cause it's (CH)
Bridge
So this is how
The stars in the sky are shining like I feel now
So this is how
The clouds in the sky are drifting like I feel now
Because of this post I will have to sleep in very long tomorrow and will not get much done before Fuse fun night. But it's worth it, because somehow expression like this gives me great peace as life passes on and by. Seasons like this, weekends like this, little things like making myself a cool philly steak sandwich at midnight after care group and listening to new music while Daisy sleeps on the couch and the fire flickers away are not lost once I get these words down. The memory is stored to revisit and relive and benefit from in the future, and I can relax and know it's here.
It's a crazy game we play, this game that we call life.
We sit and speculate, as the days go by, the days go by
--JPB
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
What kind of friend is Mike Q?
I just spent the last two fifths of the day with Mike Q. I went to his apartment straight from work and we went out to dinner and talked and came back and hung out some more and then prayed together to change the world (as we want to do every week).
It was a great night, on many levels.
One of which was what a good friend Mike is.
So what kind of friend is he?
The best I can do is give an example:
He's the one I think about texting when I put the stuff away that I got at Walgreens, stuff up the bag in my hand and stick it out in the holder in the garage, close the door.. then open it back up and get the bag out of the holder and put it in the kitchen garbage can, which I just emptied and should have known needed a new bag.
So pointless. (Dumb, as Mike would say). but really funny in an odd, small sort of way.
Almost anybody I can think of would either try to *thinkit'sfunny* and make too much of it, or else notthinkit'sfunny and either ignore it, or do some uncomfortable sort of laugh, or some other unpleasing thing.
And I think that's what sets Mike apart amongst my friends: I know how he will respond, and I can pretty much tell him anything, and not worry about it. From the smallest of the small, to the biggest of the big, to the weirdest bits of humor; it all goes out and I have no concern for whether he will think bad of me, or be awkward, or make me feel awkward, or whatever.
It's pretty cool, and I'm pretty glad to have that!
******************************
Tonight was sweet. And I say that with emphasis and triumph. I was the kind of person I wish I could be sometimes ... meeting a friend for dinner at a super-culturey-cool Ethiopian restaurant in a collegy-type chic area [The kind of place where I feel I fit in when I wear my scarf]..
sitting and talking for ages about characteristics of our jobs and sharing stories to demonstrate them..
eating FANTASTIC food, then stopping at Walgreens and finding the most amazing candy ever (SweetTarts jelly beans. It's the dextrose.) plus other things of an exciting, "oh man I found this!" nature..
listening to the new Pure Boss song again and having Mike appreciate it at a level similar to my own,
then talking to Steve-O for a long time on the phone bantering about band stuff and such, then talking more with Mike, and ending with heartfelt prayer for several major, pointed items...
agreeing on Earth concerning things so they will be done for us by our Father in Heaven (Matthew 18:19). Prayers that can change the world. Inspired by John Piper.
I wish there was a punctuation mark for putting your fist down on the table in emphasis. It would be a useful add-on to the exclamation point. 'Cause I would use it to put my fist down and say this night was SWEET!
Perhaps we could call it a "stoked mark."
--JPB
P.S. The best I've found is an underline behind and before. Please to observe....
When small groups of Christians get together and pray to God for things, they.change.the ._world_. Exclamation point.
It was a great night, on many levels.
One of which was what a good friend Mike is.
So what kind of friend is he?
The best I can do is give an example:
He's the one I think about texting when I put the stuff away that I got at Walgreens, stuff up the bag in my hand and stick it out in the holder in the garage, close the door.. then open it back up and get the bag out of the holder and put it in the kitchen garbage can, which I just emptied and should have known needed a new bag.
So pointless. (Dumb, as Mike would say). but really funny in an odd, small sort of way.
Almost anybody I can think of would either try to *thinkit'sfunny* and make too much of it, or else notthinkit'sfunny and either ignore it, or do some uncomfortable sort of laugh, or some other unpleasing thing.
And I think that's what sets Mike apart amongst my friends: I know how he will respond, and I can pretty much tell him anything, and not worry about it. From the smallest of the small, to the biggest of the big, to the weirdest bits of humor; it all goes out and I have no concern for whether he will think bad of me, or be awkward, or make me feel awkward, or whatever.
It's pretty cool, and I'm pretty glad to have that!
******************************
Tonight was sweet. And I say that with emphasis and triumph. I was the kind of person I wish I could be sometimes ... meeting a friend for dinner at a super-culturey-cool Ethiopian restaurant in a collegy-type chic area [The kind of place where I feel I fit in when I wear my scarf]..
sitting and talking for ages about characteristics of our jobs and sharing stories to demonstrate them..
eating FANTASTIC food, then stopping at Walgreens and finding the most amazing candy ever (SweetTarts jelly beans. It's the dextrose.) plus other things of an exciting, "oh man I found this!" nature..
listening to the new Pure Boss song again and having Mike appreciate it at a level similar to my own,
then talking to Steve-O for a long time on the phone bantering about band stuff and such, then talking more with Mike, and ending with heartfelt prayer for several major, pointed items...
agreeing on Earth concerning things so they will be done for us by our Father in Heaven (Matthew 18:19). Prayers that can change the world. Inspired by John Piper.
I wish there was a punctuation mark for putting your fist down on the table in emphasis. It would be a useful add-on to the exclamation point. 'Cause I would use it to put my fist down and say this night was SWEET!
Perhaps we could call it a "stoked mark."
--JPB
P.S. The best I've found is an underline behind and before. Please to observe....
When small groups of Christians get together and pray to God for things, they.change.the ._world_. Exclamation point.
Monday, February 11, 2008
This is how time goes by
Every day begins the same: I wake up at 7am (or 6:30 if I have to take a shower), dress, pack food, and leave too long after 7:30 to feel comfortable. I roll into work about 8, and don't leave until 5 or 5:30 most days. That part is always the same. Now to look back and answer the question "What happens to all these days??"
Here is the recent past and upcoming future:
Here is the recent past and upcoming future:
- Wednesday and Thursday (2 weeks ago) - worked night shift, 6pm to 6am. Got up at 3:30pm both days, hit Chick-Fil-A for... "meal".. (brunchinner?) and quiet time, and went to work. Great days. Other than the mad back pain. The night is MY TIME baby!
- Friday - I planned to go to Grove City for the night, but the timing wasn't working out, and my back was getting impossible to ignore or "push through." So I laid around and rested and wasted time. Bleah.
- Saturday - College Night. Which takes up basically the whole day by the time I sleep in, get some food, shower, and pack up what I'm bringing. Wrote and recorded a pretty good demo of "Hey Girls" that night.. up till 3:30am.
- Sunday - Church, then Grove City students over for a long lunch. Much-needed nap, then to the Calanos for the Super Bowl. Yay Giants!
- Monday - Doctor's appointment for my back at 3:45. Got home past dinnertime, ate some, then hit the couch with the hot rice bag, a blanket, a beagle, my good headphones, and 12GB of music. Fell asleep sometime around 9 o'clock and slept through till morning.
- Tuesday - Went to the Piersons after work for dinner and the first YC08 meeting with Mr. Pierson. Kick-off drum lesson with Mitch. Got home around 11.
- Wednesday - Dinner at home, and prayer with Mike at his place at 8:30. Something kept me from leaving on time for that, but I can't remember. Something like folding laundry. It was a fractional night.
- Thursday - Met Nate Dogg at Taco Bell for dinner, then back home to jam with him and Steve Gole.
- Friday - Erin's party! Went to the Piersons from work, showered and dressed up, hit the party, then Mikey came home with me, but we were too tired to do much. Good dancing.
- Saturday - Up at noon, which left 4 hours before Fuse after lunch was said and done. I did everything I wanted to in that time except starting to catalog my wild greasy-haired collection of recordings. I did make and pack my dinner for the night, which I was proud of. Yay for not caving in to paying for fast food! I left at 4. Lawrence Music to pick up my amp, church office for YC planning, Fuse, home, writing and demo-ing a song about the ridiculous profusion of cameras amongst teens. Bed at 3:30am.
- Sunday (today) - Drums, church, then to Lynn Noll's for a care group fellowship. It was a great time getting to know folks, and Lynn's house and pets are great. Home at 5:15. Steve Gole came for dinner, and we jammed till 10:30. Came up with a sweet 3-layer synth loop, which we played for 37 minutes straight. Poor Mom and Dad.
- Monday - Prayer here w/ Mikey and maybe Nate.
- Tuesday - YC07 review meeting at 6 with MP, Miikey Q and Katie Calano.
- Wednesday - Basketball after work. We'll see how my back's doing.
- Thursday - Looks free at the moment. Probably jam with Golinski.
- Friday - **Hopefully** leave work early and go to AKRON!! for a full weekend of recording.
And thusly flyeth by three weeks of life.
So where does the time go? Scanning the outline above, it looks like my priorities are church life and music. I also fill many hours' worth of "in-between" time with familyness. -- being down in the family room doing computer stuff, laying down on the couch, playing with Daisy, playing piano, and occasionally reading or folding laundry. It's not really *doing* anything per se, but I do not believe it is wasted time, and I do not choose to isolate myself from our family, which would be the effective result if I spent every bit of time on music (or something else). I'm also happy to have a night or two per week dedicated to jamming or recording, which has not always been the case, and which is yielding solid benefits musically.
Should I, will I, "make something of myself" musically? The prospect of making a full-fledged album of my songs is colossally daunting, and I almost fear the huge fraction of time and effort it would necessarily demand from my life. I think I will do it eventually, though, and I'd better do it before I marry and settle down (if that's God's will). I could play coffeehouses and the like, but that requires much focused practice, and I'm spending my musical time on free creativity: recording demos to get the songs in my head onto hard disk, and stretching my limits on synth and electric guitar with Steve. I consider creative generation a more mystical, uncontrollable and elusive thing than practiced performace, so I am taking every moment of the former that I can get. I feel that the latter may come down the road, depending on how my life changes in the coming years.
This "aerial view" of my time expenditure serves to clarify what I've been feeling recently: peace with my choices. The part of me that is dying to DO something--make something of myself--is subdued, and a calculation of what I would have to dispense of to fit more music or more travel in leaves me pretty happy with the balance I'm striking right now.
So, I guess I should say that I have peace right now.
!
My prayer of a month ago is answered (at the moment). Nice!
--JPB
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Looking Forward
There are two things I'm impatiently anticipating right now. One is unusual for me to look forward to, and the other I'm looking forward to for an unusual reason.
Exercising
It has now been more than 6 weeks since I have been able to work out in any manner. I had a cold leading into New Years, then I got bronchitis at work, which lasted well into January. Right as that was clearing up, I began to get an odd knot in my back, between my spine and right shoulder blade. It started out feeling like a marble stuck in there, and it kept not going away. Then I did some heavy lifting and took a few shifts on grinders at work, and that threw my back into orbit. I dealt with pretty bad pain that weekend--it hurt every time I breathed in or moved--, and went to the doctor on Monday. The X-rays didn't show any misalignment, and the Doc prescibed a muscle relaxant and hardcore antiinflammatory to address what she thought was a muscle contusion. I wasn't thrilled, but it turns out she was right, and the next day I felt 50% better. A couple days into the pills and I was effectively back to normal! Plus I'd get a nice, chill, almost-dizzy buzz after each meal's dose :-)
I feel like a pale, sickly shrunken noodle, and I can't wait to ease back into walking on the treadmill and pumping some IRON. I hope this desire stays with me, 'cause that would really help in doing it consistently. For now, I'm cautiously doing some pushups, and we'll go from there.
Summer
Of course.
Duh.
But this year it's different, and a lot stronger than the years when I looked forward to school being over. I've been wishing to >>do<< different things when I hang out with people, rather than sit in a house or a restaurant and chit chat or entertain ourselves with media. Influenced by Ken's example and a deep desire to see the sky, I keep wanting to do things outside. Got a free Saturday morning/afternoon? Let's drive to Raccoon Creek State Park and hike around! Drive out an hour into the country and explore! Got an hour after dinner? Walk around some old stately neighborhoods around Squirrel Hill! Sit outside in some secret vantage point perched on a Pittsburgh hillside!
But all of this doesn't work too well when it's grey, wet and cold outside. Hence my pacing at the gate, waiting for spring to show up.
I hope both these desires remain when they're able to be fulfilled. If they do, I could do some really worthwhile things in the coming months.
Just . . . get here summer!
--JPB
Exercising
It has now been more than 6 weeks since I have been able to work out in any manner. I had a cold leading into New Years, then I got bronchitis at work, which lasted well into January. Right as that was clearing up, I began to get an odd knot in my back, between my spine and right shoulder blade. It started out feeling like a marble stuck in there, and it kept not going away. Then I did some heavy lifting and took a few shifts on grinders at work, and that threw my back into orbit. I dealt with pretty bad pain that weekend--it hurt every time I breathed in or moved--, and went to the doctor on Monday. The X-rays didn't show any misalignment, and the Doc prescibed a muscle relaxant and hardcore antiinflammatory to address what she thought was a muscle contusion. I wasn't thrilled, but it turns out she was right, and the next day I felt 50% better. A couple days into the pills and I was effectively back to normal! Plus I'd get a nice, chill, almost-dizzy buzz after each meal's dose :-)
I feel like a pale, sickly shrunken noodle, and I can't wait to ease back into walking on the treadmill and pumping some IRON. I hope this desire stays with me, 'cause that would really help in doing it consistently. For now, I'm cautiously doing some pushups, and we'll go from there.
Summer
Of course.
Duh.
But this year it's different, and a lot stronger than the years when I looked forward to school being over. I've been wishing to >>do<< different things when I hang out with people, rather than sit in a house or a restaurant and chit chat or entertain ourselves with media. Influenced by Ken's example and a deep desire to see the sky, I keep wanting to do things outside. Got a free Saturday morning/afternoon? Let's drive to Raccoon Creek State Park and hike around! Drive out an hour into the country and explore! Got an hour after dinner? Walk around some old stately neighborhoods around Squirrel Hill! Sit outside in some secret vantage point perched on a Pittsburgh hillside!
But all of this doesn't work too well when it's grey, wet and cold outside. Hence my pacing at the gate, waiting for spring to show up.
I hope both these desires remain when they're able to be fulfilled. If they do, I could do some really worthwhile things in the coming months.
Just . . . get here summer!
--JPB
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Artificial Colon-induced Importance
Triumph:
Paging through screen after screen after screen of emails till I found the ONE spam message that was preventing me from have a clean inbox. Ahhhhh. Unread? zero.
Triumph:
Stevie Ray Vaughn turns out to be the perfect music for right now. Shawn McDonald sang to us for 2.7 hours as I drifted through dim consciousness on the couch and Mom and Dad discussed every inch of the house plans on the computer screen, and I was looking for something quiet to follow him up. Quiet but not melancholy... quiet and happy or interesting and not sensitive acoustic.. but Stevie took things in a little different direction, and it's PERFECT. Thusly is the point of having 5247 songs to choose from.
Frustration:
Still unable to log in to my artistcollaboration ftp sites to upload new recordings.
Possibility:
Yahoo! domains for a few bucks a year. My own whole website? Hmm...
Resolve:
My savings keeps going up (I set it up to put half my net paycheck in there every week), but my checking account has trickled down. I need to spend less money. Small things, smart things, recognizing that this isn't as special of a case as it feels, but rather it's another $27 subtraction that I have a chance to cut out of my next bank statement. It's good to look over my account activity and see my spendings add up.
Discomfort:
The weird knot of pain between my right shoulder blade and backbone. For two weeks now it's been taking my breath away when I turn or move certain directions. Shannon and Dad's best efforts at pounding it out haven't helped, and it's sitting back there, a quiet little ache. It's like somebody implanted a marble back there and forgot to take it out.
Warm:
The fire behind me, the light oak cabinets and table and chairs, golden floor, golden brown couches, yellow light, soft shadows, sleeping beagle, carpet, blankets, brown bricks.
--JPB
Update:
Triumph:
Recording one of the songs that I sang into my cell phone memo recorder awhile ago. Many other songs still lay in there conceived yet unborn, but this one at least is out in the air, screaming a little bit, but kinda good looking. Looks a little like his daddy.
Helplessness:
It's late. Work is immovable. Nothing in the world can change the hours gone and the fewness of the ones that remain before then. I have rolled my dice.
Paging through screen after screen after screen of emails till I found the ONE spam message that was preventing me from have a clean inbox. Ahhhhh. Unread? zero.
Triumph:
Stevie Ray Vaughn turns out to be the perfect music for right now. Shawn McDonald sang to us for 2.7 hours as I drifted through dim consciousness on the couch and Mom and Dad discussed every inch of the house plans on the computer screen, and I was looking for something quiet to follow him up. Quiet but not melancholy... quiet and happy or interesting and not sensitive acoustic.. but Stevie took things in a little different direction, and it's PERFECT. Thusly is the point of having 5247 songs to choose from.
Frustration:
Still unable to log in to my artistcollaboration ftp sites to upload new recordings.
Possibility:
Yahoo! domains for a few bucks a year. My own whole website? Hmm...
Resolve:
My savings keeps going up (I set it up to put half my net paycheck in there every week), but my checking account has trickled down. I need to spend less money. Small things, smart things, recognizing that this isn't as special of a case as it feels, but rather it's another $27 subtraction that I have a chance to cut out of my next bank statement. It's good to look over my account activity and see my spendings add up.
Discomfort:
The weird knot of pain between my right shoulder blade and backbone. For two weeks now it's been taking my breath away when I turn or move certain directions. Shannon and Dad's best efforts at pounding it out haven't helped, and it's sitting back there, a quiet little ache. It's like somebody implanted a marble back there and forgot to take it out.
Warm:
The fire behind me, the light oak cabinets and table and chairs, golden floor, golden brown couches, yellow light, soft shadows, sleeping beagle, carpet, blankets, brown bricks.
--JPB
Update:
Triumph:
Recording one of the songs that I sang into my cell phone memo recorder awhile ago. Many other songs still lay in there conceived yet unborn, but this one at least is out in the air, screaming a little bit, but kinda good looking. Looks a little like his daddy.
Helplessness:
It's late. Work is immovable. Nothing in the world can change the hours gone and the fewness of the ones that remain before then. I have rolled my dice.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
A Survey of 2007
Inspired by Jason's enjoyable post.
Most unexpected event:
Doubting every single thing about my life and being further from God and more miserable than I ever thought I would be.
Hardest thing (other than above):
Battling and being drowned by my laziness.
- Struggling to do a good job at work and not being able to easily change that
- Letting my musical potential slip away mostly unrealized
- Letting almost everything I want to do slip away undone
Best new addition:
I'll pick two:
1) Pure Boss practice room up in the loft of the Chima's barn. It's like something in a movie - warm wood sloped ceiling, thick green carpet, drums and amps packed in tight.. we can do whatever we want up there, and when we're tired, there's a pool table and couches down below!
2) The Piersons! I started hanging out with their family this year, and now I try to go over there for dinner and hanging out every couple weeks. I love being around younger kids and experiencing the richness and fun of a well-run family. I'm so grateful for their openness!
Best new music:
Oooh baby. Probably Mae. They have become a staple of my heart and subwoofer right next to Switchfoot. I also got into The Who. Don't listen to them much right now, but they affected my music a good bit.
I've been sucking in new music like a feind, though - just most of it not as deeply as Mae.
Biggest change:
Getting a job.
I am challenged. Hard.
I am paid.
I am tied-down.
I am being forced to conform and suck up like most people are in their first year of public school. Which is good for me.
It's an amazing blessing and a grating frustration.
Biggest thing that didn't turn out to be big:
For those of you who don't know, I had a "relationship" (we called it a purposeful friendship, since that's what it was) in the spring. I've never sought God and been met by Him so intensely than in the month preceding that. It went about a month, and then we both agreed that it wasn't really clicking, and so it ended, as well and as painlessly as I think something like that possibly could. I won't say who here, but if you want, feel free to ask me about it.
Biggest thing that did turn out to be big:
Youth Camp! I still don't really feel like I'm the person who organized and led THE youth camp. Which is good, 'cause that would fill me with pride, and it's not really true.
Planning was a beautiful, intense, focused haze, and camp was a slow-motion paradise, personally (for myself) and spiritually (for everyone else). Could not have gone better.
Best memories from an event:
Probably the Pirates game/fireworks show/Styx concert with Daniel, Justin, Betsy and other church folks. A multiplicitly delightful and wondrous night.
Thing I most respect about myself from the year:
Probably... my burgeoning music collection and appreciation.
Next is maybe my skill at driving my car.
There's some brutal honesty for you.
Those may seem trivial, but I can't think of anything else I respect about myself. Everything else sucks.
Thing others probably respect most about me:
The stuff I do with church: worship team, care group worship, college night, Fuse I-team.
I put this in, at the risk of seeming prideful (I'm not proud about this stuff), because it illustrates the dichotomy of who I want to be and who I am. The frustration I feel with my life vs. the value other people see in what I do do. Maybe I am actually living my life OK, but I have no peace right now.
Well, this is an odd mix of really depressing and then pretty happy stuff. For future reference, I am in a lonely and depressed mood right now with people leaving for college, Daniel and Ken in Utah where I would kill to be, and myself torn and shredded with doubt, frustration, hopelessness and self loathing. Those are all honest feelings, but they come and go, so there is only limited value in expressing them. And FYI, expressing them intensifies them. Literally, speaking words of doubt solidifies that doubt in your mind. So really watch what you say, and hold your tongue more than you let it go. Our words ring like a judge's gavel, and come back to speak to our heart later, so don't put a bunch of junk out there that will make it harder to turn to God with childlike faith and gratefulness.
I want to end with a flurry of things that I've remembered as I've searched my memory to come up with this post. Just indulge my desire to preserve the past:
- Nate and Sarah's wedding. I was a groomsman, which was sweet.
- Getting a new laptop
- We're going to build and move to a new house, for crying out loud! At this moment Dad is sitting at the computer working away on the plans. It is filling his life right now, and he's doing a masterful job at it.
- We got Alex in the band for awhile, and I played guitar, but it didn't work out so we're back to 3.
- We got a new kitchen table and a couch in the basement, so two main areas of the house look a lot better.
- The great Harrisburg trip with Shannon, Mike and Kayte.
- The free period in the spring after graduating and before getting my job
- I've become pretty good friends with Craig Tumino and Betsy Caprio. Nick Shuch continues to be a strangely good friend, too.
- I don't really stay at the Hoffman's much anymore in Akron. Pure Boss is more centered on the Chimas now.
- My gosh, the Rishels left and Jeremy Hetrick is our new assistant pastor! He and his family have been a joy and delight in many many ways.
- I don't enjoy food as recklessly as I used to, and I don't always want to talk about stuff like I used to.
- I started the year as a person who grew facial hair and didn't wear glasses. Now I've ditched the contacts and beardtee and am a cleanshaven person with glasses.
- Genesis series at church, and lately the Philippians series.
- Oooh man, the Dispatch concert trip! Steph's glorious glorious beach house in the idyllic Stone Harbor beach town, tons of driving, and really really enjoying the concert. Quite a trip.
- Kennywood with Steve Hoffman, Rachel and Betsy. Great time with an unusual mix of people.
I think 2007 was in 3 distinct phases - semesters actually. Spring was no-work, no-school, ending with the golden month. That phase was ended viciously with my job starting, and the summer was the newbie phase of my job, which, looking back, was very very different from how it is now. Youth Camp totally occupied the first part of the summer. The fall was settling in to my real job as it is now, sprinkled with really good times with friends - Pittsburgh, Grove City, Messiah, Villanova and Akron. The year ended with a glorious stretch of vacation - family in Chicago, then Tuminos in Akron, then Akronites here, centered around the Harvey's basement. A larger-than-life time whose memories still leave a sad sweet tinge.
OK, that wraps it up. I pray to God that 2008 has me finding God and peace and direction, be it in the job-wife-family direction or the music-craziness-doingstuff direction. Mostly I need my hard cold heart softened and Jesus Christ and His sacrifice on the cross made real to me in an abiding way.
Thanks for reading! Future self, I bet you treasure this post.
--JPB
Most unexpected event:
Doubting every single thing about my life and being further from God and more miserable than I ever thought I would be.
Hardest thing (other than above):
Battling and being drowned by my laziness.
- Struggling to do a good job at work and not being able to easily change that
- Letting my musical potential slip away mostly unrealized
- Letting almost everything I want to do slip away undone
Best new addition:
I'll pick two:
1) Pure Boss practice room up in the loft of the Chima's barn. It's like something in a movie - warm wood sloped ceiling, thick green carpet, drums and amps packed in tight.. we can do whatever we want up there, and when we're tired, there's a pool table and couches down below!
2) The Piersons! I started hanging out with their family this year, and now I try to go over there for dinner and hanging out every couple weeks. I love being around younger kids and experiencing the richness and fun of a well-run family. I'm so grateful for their openness!
Best new music:
Oooh baby. Probably Mae. They have become a staple of my heart and subwoofer right next to Switchfoot. I also got into The Who. Don't listen to them much right now, but they affected my music a good bit.
I've been sucking in new music like a feind, though - just most of it not as deeply as Mae.
Biggest change:
Getting a job.
I am challenged. Hard.
I am paid.
I am tied-down.
I am being forced to conform and suck up like most people are in their first year of public school. Which is good for me.
It's an amazing blessing and a grating frustration.
Biggest thing that didn't turn out to be big:
For those of you who don't know, I had a "relationship" (we called it a purposeful friendship, since that's what it was) in the spring. I've never sought God and been met by Him so intensely than in the month preceding that. It went about a month, and then we both agreed that it wasn't really clicking, and so it ended, as well and as painlessly as I think something like that possibly could. I won't say who here, but if you want, feel free to ask me about it.
Biggest thing that did turn out to be big:
Youth Camp! I still don't really feel like I'm the person who organized and led THE youth camp. Which is good, 'cause that would fill me with pride, and it's not really true.
Planning was a beautiful, intense, focused haze, and camp was a slow-motion paradise, personally (for myself) and spiritually (for everyone else). Could not have gone better.
Best memories from an event:
Probably the Pirates game/fireworks show/Styx concert with Daniel, Justin, Betsy and other church folks. A multiplicitly delightful and wondrous night.
Thing I most respect about myself from the year:
Probably... my burgeoning music collection and appreciation.
Next is maybe my skill at driving my car.
There's some brutal honesty for you.
Those may seem trivial, but I can't think of anything else I respect about myself. Everything else sucks.
Thing others probably respect most about me:
The stuff I do with church: worship team, care group worship, college night, Fuse I-team.
I put this in, at the risk of seeming prideful (I'm not proud about this stuff), because it illustrates the dichotomy of who I want to be and who I am. The frustration I feel with my life vs. the value other people see in what I do do. Maybe I am actually living my life OK, but I have no peace right now.
Well, this is an odd mix of really depressing and then pretty happy stuff. For future reference, I am in a lonely and depressed mood right now with people leaving for college, Daniel and Ken in Utah where I would kill to be, and myself torn and shredded with doubt, frustration, hopelessness and self loathing. Those are all honest feelings, but they come and go, so there is only limited value in expressing them. And FYI, expressing them intensifies them. Literally, speaking words of doubt solidifies that doubt in your mind. So really watch what you say, and hold your tongue more than you let it go. Our words ring like a judge's gavel, and come back to speak to our heart later, so don't put a bunch of junk out there that will make it harder to turn to God with childlike faith and gratefulness.
I want to end with a flurry of things that I've remembered as I've searched my memory to come up with this post. Just indulge my desire to preserve the past:
- Nate and Sarah's wedding. I was a groomsman, which was sweet.
- Getting a new laptop
- We're going to build and move to a new house, for crying out loud! At this moment Dad is sitting at the computer working away on the plans. It is filling his life right now, and he's doing a masterful job at it.
- We got Alex in the band for awhile, and I played guitar, but it didn't work out so we're back to 3.
- We got a new kitchen table and a couch in the basement, so two main areas of the house look a lot better.
- The great Harrisburg trip with Shannon, Mike and Kayte.
- The free period in the spring after graduating and before getting my job
- I've become pretty good friends with Craig Tumino and Betsy Caprio. Nick Shuch continues to be a strangely good friend, too.
- I don't really stay at the Hoffman's much anymore in Akron. Pure Boss is more centered on the Chimas now.
- My gosh, the Rishels left and Jeremy Hetrick is our new assistant pastor! He and his family have been a joy and delight in many many ways.
- I don't enjoy food as recklessly as I used to, and I don't always want to talk about stuff like I used to.
- I started the year as a person who grew facial hair and didn't wear glasses. Now I've ditched the contacts and beardtee and am a cleanshaven person with glasses.
- Genesis series at church, and lately the Philippians series.
- Oooh man, the Dispatch concert trip! Steph's glorious glorious beach house in the idyllic Stone Harbor beach town, tons of driving, and really really enjoying the concert. Quite a trip.
- Kennywood with Steve Hoffman, Rachel and Betsy. Great time with an unusual mix of people.
I think 2007 was in 3 distinct phases - semesters actually. Spring was no-work, no-school, ending with the golden month. That phase was ended viciously with my job starting, and the summer was the newbie phase of my job, which, looking back, was very very different from how it is now. Youth Camp totally occupied the first part of the summer. The fall was settling in to my real job as it is now, sprinkled with really good times with friends - Pittsburgh, Grove City, Messiah, Villanova and Akron. The year ended with a glorious stretch of vacation - family in Chicago, then Tuminos in Akron, then Akronites here, centered around the Harvey's basement. A larger-than-life time whose memories still leave a sad sweet tinge.
OK, that wraps it up. I pray to God that 2008 has me finding God and peace and direction, be it in the job-wife-family direction or the music-craziness-doingstuff direction. Mostly I need my hard cold heart softened and Jesus Christ and His sacrifice on the cross made real to me in an abiding way.
Thanks for reading! Future self, I bet you treasure this post.
--JPB
For all you car owners and want-to-be car owners
Two facts.
The first: My insurance for the last 12 months was $1806.
The second: My insurance for the next 12 months will be $1056.
Two messages:
The first: Cars are EXPENSIVE! Hold out as long as you can before getting one! Don't get one unless you're sure you'll be able to pay for it (and I'm not talking the one-time cost of purchasing the vehicle). They drain precious twenties and hundreds from your pocket like nobody's business.
The second: My rate is dropping by $750 because my three accidents are finally off my record . . . three years after they happened. When you have a car, don't be stupid with it. I don't mind accelerating fast sometimes or taking turns harder than most people know you can take them, but when it comes to serious risks like the distance between you and the car in front of you, rainy conditions, stopping time... it's no joke. If you mess up once, you'll be paying for it for years.
You can buy cheaper cars than mine and get less insurance than I have, but these messages still stand in principle. It behooves us to have a sober view of owning and operating a car.
--JPB
The first: My insurance for the last 12 months was $1806.
The second: My insurance for the next 12 months will be $1056.
Two messages:
The first: Cars are EXPENSIVE! Hold out as long as you can before getting one! Don't get one unless you're sure you'll be able to pay for it (and I'm not talking the one-time cost of purchasing the vehicle). They drain precious twenties and hundreds from your pocket like nobody's business.
The second: My rate is dropping by $750 because my three accidents are finally off my record . . . three years after they happened. When you have a car, don't be stupid with it. I don't mind accelerating fast sometimes or taking turns harder than most people know you can take them, but when it comes to serious risks like the distance between you and the car in front of you, rainy conditions, stopping time... it's no joke. If you mess up once, you'll be paying for it for years.
You can buy cheaper cars than mine and get less insurance than I have, but these messages still stand in principle. It behooves us to have a sober view of owning and operating a car.
--JPB
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Snapshot
Woke up this morning and felt a lot better than I expected - the top of my mouth wasn't swollen, my lungs weren't quite clogged with congestion, and I didn't ache anymore (hooray).
Random thought: Think about PR. Public Relations. Like for a politician or celebrity. Now, what is the "public" with which the relations must be managed? Why is PR necessary? I think the "public" in this case is defined by being essentially ignorant about that for which PR is being managed. If they really knew this politician, he wouldn't need a PR guy to make sure every statement coming out of his mouth can't possibly be taken wrongly. If they really knew circumstances, personalities, contexts, we wouldn't need PR. The pervasive availability of news has made everyone "partial-knowers" - ignorant "public" who need to be managed. This thought isn't intended to be snotty like that last statement sounded, rather, just to sit back and ponder on the nature of PR and why we need it. An overinformed public. Which is why I don't watch news or read newspapers or hardly ever check online news. Most of it is none of my business.
Active playlist setup: Playcounts > 0. Results: 4213 items. 11.8 days of audio material. All of which I have listened to at least once.
Well, most of that's probably just one listen, right? Playcounts >1. 3483 items. 9.1 days.
>4? 1987. 5.1 days.
>9? 852. 2.1 days.
Thats a lot of hours and days and weeks and months of music that has gone into my brain.
Something I am intensely proud of, for some strange reason that is probably inscrutable to many. One of the few ways that I am a type of person I respect. Probably an idol that God will tear down or wear down through the future. Certainly something that has greatly benefitted all aspects of my musical creativity.
Chick-Fil-A for lunch tomorrow! Hearty beef & veggie soup for breakfast.
Tonight was a nearly unique night, and very satisfying. I stayed home while Mom and Dad went to prayer meeting and Daniel went off to the Shuchs' to hang out and play games. I sat in the huggle chair and ate large amounts of the oriental snacks I bought Saturday and read large amounts of "The Mixing Engineer's Handbook." I like my EQ style, but my gain staging sucks and I need to leave headroom when I record and mix. And--probably with youthful bravado and arrogance--I think my monitor setup is just fine and I can make fine mixes with it, all else being equal.
Wednesday is over. Over the hump for another week! Now it's just "tomorrowisFriday" and "todayisFriday!", and another weekend is here. Funny how the precious and irrepeatable weeks rush by.
Time to obey what I said 30 minutes ago: "I'm tired, and I'm going to go to bed."
Which brought exclamations of joy from Mom :-P
--JPB
Oh, and I most definitely, indubitably and irrevocably . . . . put my boxers on backwards this morning.
Random thought: Think about PR. Public Relations. Like for a politician or celebrity. Now, what is the "public" with which the relations must be managed? Why is PR necessary? I think the "public" in this case is defined by being essentially ignorant about that for which PR is being managed. If they really knew this politician, he wouldn't need a PR guy to make sure every statement coming out of his mouth can't possibly be taken wrongly. If they really knew circumstances, personalities, contexts, we wouldn't need PR. The pervasive availability of news has made everyone "partial-knowers" - ignorant "public" who need to be managed. This thought isn't intended to be snotty like that last statement sounded, rather, just to sit back and ponder on the nature of PR and why we need it. An overinformed public. Which is why I don't watch news or read newspapers or hardly ever check online news. Most of it is none of my business.
Active playlist setup: Playcounts > 0. Results: 4213 items. 11.8 days of audio material. All of which I have listened to at least once.
Well, most of that's probably just one listen, right? Playcounts >1. 3483 items. 9.1 days.
>4? 1987. 5.1 days.
>9? 852. 2.1 days.
Thats a lot of hours and days and weeks and months of music that has gone into my brain.
Something I am intensely proud of, for some strange reason that is probably inscrutable to many. One of the few ways that I am a type of person I respect. Probably an idol that God will tear down or wear down through the future. Certainly something that has greatly benefitted all aspects of my musical creativity.
Chick-Fil-A for lunch tomorrow! Hearty beef & veggie soup for breakfast.
Tonight was a nearly unique night, and very satisfying. I stayed home while Mom and Dad went to prayer meeting and Daniel went off to the Shuchs' to hang out and play games. I sat in the huggle chair and ate large amounts of the oriental snacks I bought Saturday and read large amounts of "The Mixing Engineer's Handbook." I like my EQ style, but my gain staging sucks and I need to leave headroom when I record and mix. And--probably with youthful bravado and arrogance--I think my monitor setup is just fine and I can make fine mixes with it, all else being equal.
Wednesday is over. Over the hump for another week! Now it's just "tomorrowisFriday" and "todayisFriday!", and another weekend is here. Funny how the precious and irrepeatable weeks rush by.
Time to obey what I said 30 minutes ago: "I'm tired, and I'm going to go to bed."
Which brought exclamations of joy from Mom :-P
--JPB
Oh, and I most definitely, indubitably and irrevocably . . . . put my boxers on backwards this morning.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
A couple clarifications
Dear blog,
I don't want you to feel unloved or un-thought-of because of my neglect of you for the past few months. Truth is, I've thought of you many times. A lot of cool things have happened, and I wanted to write about them so I could remember them later. I've had a lot of deep and emotional thoughts, experiences and realizations, and even some random and interesting insights into life, both trivial and technical. But here's the deal: one of the changes I've been undergoing--call it a low-level emotional motivation change--is that I no longer feel like there's inherent value in expressing myself. In fact, I've come to really despise talking about something and then never doing anything about it. I feel the pettiness and arrogance of so much of my own musings and other peoples', and work has beat into my head the truth that no one cares what you say, they care what you DO. Do I want to make an album of my solo songs? Don't frikkin' write a long blog post about it! You can write that post when you have the CD in your hand and can include a link to the website selling it!
So when I would be in the shower or on the road or at work and think of some nifty principle upon which the world operates, or some clever thought that sums up part of what I've been going through, it was quick to lose its appeal and drop to a dull unimportance, and your screen never saw its life. And all those trips to Akron and fun times here? Sorry blog, I just didn't want to jump into the long ordeal of writing them out, writing way too much, trying to hack down the length, then hating myself for not being a clever and concise writer like Kayte Bell, and grinding my teeth at yet another fate sealed by the late hour I'd stayed up till.
So, that's where I've been, and that's who I've been lately. Maybe I'll have a spurt of writing more for awhile, I don't know. I wrote these two posts because Megan Chima told me at church last Sunday that she somehow read my blog, and she thought it was clever, and that I was a good writer. That was cool to hear, and made me think maybe it's nice for people to have interesting things to read here and maybe I'm not as completely stupid and poor a writer as I feel like I am.
OK, that's it. Take-home point? I no longer place paramount and self-evident value on pure self expression. Often times I think of something I could say in a conversation, and then think why? To what end? And let it go and never say a word. I'm getting older, blog, and I don't like it. It's nice not to regret impetuosity so much and to feel sorta better than others sometimes, but I place a high value on the heedlessness of youth, and wish I wasn't so shackled by the analytical predictions that limit my actions before I every actually TAKE them and see what happens.
Oh and lastly, just so you don't run wild with speculation, when I said in my last post that within a year I probably wouldn't be a single man, that was a un-backed-up impression I've had, not a secret relationship I'm not telling anyone about. :-P
Yeah. Trying not to use so many smiley faces either.
--JPB
I don't want you to feel unloved or un-thought-of because of my neglect of you for the past few months. Truth is, I've thought of you many times. A lot of cool things have happened, and I wanted to write about them so I could remember them later. I've had a lot of deep and emotional thoughts, experiences and realizations, and even some random and interesting insights into life, both trivial and technical. But here's the deal: one of the changes I've been undergoing--call it a low-level emotional motivation change--is that I no longer feel like there's inherent value in expressing myself. In fact, I've come to really despise talking about something and then never doing anything about it. I feel the pettiness and arrogance of so much of my own musings and other peoples', and work has beat into my head the truth that no one cares what you say, they care what you DO. Do I want to make an album of my solo songs? Don't frikkin' write a long blog post about it! You can write that post when you have the CD in your hand and can include a link to the website selling it!
So when I would be in the shower or on the road or at work and think of some nifty principle upon which the world operates, or some clever thought that sums up part of what I've been going through, it was quick to lose its appeal and drop to a dull unimportance, and your screen never saw its life. And all those trips to Akron and fun times here? Sorry blog, I just didn't want to jump into the long ordeal of writing them out, writing way too much, trying to hack down the length, then hating myself for not being a clever and concise writer like Kayte Bell, and grinding my teeth at yet another fate sealed by the late hour I'd stayed up till.
So, that's where I've been, and that's who I've been lately. Maybe I'll have a spurt of writing more for awhile, I don't know. I wrote these two posts because Megan Chima told me at church last Sunday that she somehow read my blog, and she thought it was clever, and that I was a good writer. That was cool to hear, and made me think maybe it's nice for people to have interesting things to read here and maybe I'm not as completely stupid and poor a writer as I feel like I am.
OK, that's it. Take-home point? I no longer place paramount and self-evident value on pure self expression. Often times I think of something I could say in a conversation, and then think why? To what end? And let it go and never say a word. I'm getting older, blog, and I don't like it. It's nice not to regret impetuosity so much and to feel sorta better than others sometimes, but I place a high value on the heedlessness of youth, and wish I wasn't so shackled by the analytical predictions that limit my actions before I every actually TAKE them and see what happens.
Oh and lastly, just so you don't run wild with speculation, when I said in my last post that within a year I probably wouldn't be a single man, that was a un-backed-up impression I've had, not a secret relationship I'm not telling anyone about. :-P
Yeah. Trying not to use so many smiley faces either.
--JPB
I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!
But soon enough I'll probably be taking antibiotic pills. [I may have bronchitis. More on that in 2 paragraphs.]
I've been hanging out like there's no tomorrow for several weeks, ever since friends started coming back from college for Christmas break. There were a couple days with Daniel, Justin and Betsy, then the wild Friday night care-group-party-and-beyond, crashing at the airport at 5:30am and flying to Chicago for Christmas. The night I flew back from Chicago Justin and I were out till 4am, I had one evening Thursday to catch up, and then Friday it was out till 2 or so at Betsy's, then Akron Saturday afternoon, and the fun really began!
I had a realization tonight as I finally got a shower, feeling almost like a stranger in my home, where I've been but a ghost of a resident for days. It was more than the warning thought that's been wagging its finger at me every time I stop to take a glance backwards: "You can't keep doing this! You can't work in a no-mercy real world job and keep your foot in the heedless college crowd that stays up like there's no tomorrow because there hardly because they sleep till 3pm the next day!" That thought has been amply realized in the continued worsening of my throat and voice, and the deathly weight of tiredness that leaded my limbs and dragged my eyelids shut on Thursday, literally while standing up.
The realization was not that I *can't* be doing this forever, but that I *won't* be doing it forever. At some point, probably within a year, I will not be a single man anymore. Certainly in five years (if the good Lord's willin' and creek don't rise) it would be strange, and not too great, if I was still hanging out all night entertaining myself with movies and games and young unattached friends.
I went out to lunch Friday with my boss and a sand salesman, and they were talking at length about their lives - being married, kids, watching the money slip away, watching the years slip by. I do not believe that life has to be a hopeless and nearly joyless trap like it is for them, and I do not believe that my life will be like that, but it did slap a vivid picture of real life right in my face. Things do actually change from how they've been, and it actually is possible (and will happen) that I'll be the guy who goes home early and leaves the laughter behind to go sleep and be responsible. That I will go home and eat sandwiches because I shouldn't pay $12 for a restaurant meal.
What's the application of this? Well, to put it starkly, it means these past weeks are probably one of the last times I will be hanging out so crazily. [And by crazy I mean skipping by home at 11:46pm after work, care group and Fuel 'n' Fuddle, stuffing my backpack with clothes and some deodorant, hopping in somebody's car back to the Harvey's, playing pool, watching The Godfather II till 4am, waking up, eating pancakes, driving a vanfull of chattering people to a museum, wandering around, swinging by the oriental drug store to buy shrimp crackers, hitting up Chick-Fil-A with a group of 17, jumping over to the thrift store, and returning again to the Harvey's house for pool, music, the Steelers game and more entertainment of myself by and with others.] I may have a few of these carefree periods left, but their days are numbered, mark my words. And yours are too, if you hope to be anything but a petty and self-serving child all your life.
What's the point? I'm not sure, honestly. I wanted to write this post to break my spell of not blogging, to write down this realization, and to try to convey the finality and real-ness of its emotional impact. I'm still going to dead fish-it tomorrow -- drive to church and go from there, not knowing wherest and whenst I will go, flitting from person to person, group to group, conversation to conversation, joke to joke, activity to activity. A life full of failures has dulled any recognizable motivation to be all responsible and think ahead and cut everything out now so that at some magical point in the future everything'll be great, which would be a natural action point from what I've just written.
Somehow, it feels like there is value in realizing that our youthful days are numbered, and that the adults who are asleep right now will inevitably be us.
Enjoy it now! And don't be surprised at the future.
--JPB
I've been hanging out like there's no tomorrow for several weeks, ever since friends started coming back from college for Christmas break. There were a couple days with Daniel, Justin and Betsy, then the wild Friday night care-group-party-and-beyond, crashing at the airport at 5:30am and flying to Chicago for Christmas. The night I flew back from Chicago Justin and I were out till 4am, I had one evening Thursday to catch up, and then Friday it was out till 2 or so at Betsy's, then Akron Saturday afternoon, and the fun really began!
I had a realization tonight as I finally got a shower, feeling almost like a stranger in my home, where I've been but a ghost of a resident for days. It was more than the warning thought that's been wagging its finger at me every time I stop to take a glance backwards: "You can't keep doing this! You can't work in a no-mercy real world job and keep your foot in the heedless college crowd that stays up like there's no tomorrow because there hardly because they sleep till 3pm the next day!" That thought has been amply realized in the continued worsening of my throat and voice, and the deathly weight of tiredness that leaded my limbs and dragged my eyelids shut on Thursday, literally while standing up.
The realization was not that I *can't* be doing this forever, but that I *won't* be doing it forever. At some point, probably within a year, I will not be a single man anymore. Certainly in five years (if the good Lord's willin' and creek don't rise) it would be strange, and not too great, if I was still hanging out all night entertaining myself with movies and games and young unattached friends.
I went out to lunch Friday with my boss and a sand salesman, and they were talking at length about their lives - being married, kids, watching the money slip away, watching the years slip by. I do not believe that life has to be a hopeless and nearly joyless trap like it is for them, and I do not believe that my life will be like that, but it did slap a vivid picture of real life right in my face. Things do actually change from how they've been, and it actually is possible (and will happen) that I'll be the guy who goes home early and leaves the laughter behind to go sleep and be responsible. That I will go home and eat sandwiches because I shouldn't pay $12 for a restaurant meal.
What's the application of this? Well, to put it starkly, it means these past weeks are probably one of the last times I will be hanging out so crazily. [And by crazy I mean skipping by home at 11:46pm after work, care group and Fuel 'n' Fuddle, stuffing my backpack with clothes and some deodorant, hopping in somebody's car back to the Harvey's, playing pool, watching The Godfather II till 4am, waking up, eating pancakes, driving a vanfull of chattering people to a museum, wandering around, swinging by the oriental drug store to buy shrimp crackers, hitting up Chick-Fil-A with a group of 17, jumping over to the thrift store, and returning again to the Harvey's house for pool, music, the Steelers game and more entertainment of myself by and with others.] I may have a few of these carefree periods left, but their days are numbered, mark my words. And yours are too, if you hope to be anything but a petty and self-serving child all your life.
What's the point? I'm not sure, honestly. I wanted to write this post to break my spell of not blogging, to write down this realization, and to try to convey the finality and real-ness of its emotional impact. I'm still going to dead fish-it tomorrow -- drive to church and go from there, not knowing wherest and whenst I will go, flitting from person to person, group to group, conversation to conversation, joke to joke, activity to activity. A life full of failures has dulled any recognizable motivation to be all responsible and think ahead and cut everything out now so that at some magical point in the future everything'll be great, which would be a natural action point from what I've just written.
Somehow, it feels like there is value in realizing that our youthful days are numbered, and that the adults who are asleep right now will inevitably be us.
Enjoy it now! And don't be surprised at the future.
--JPB
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
The Job Market (i.e. the scary desert)
For obscure and not really sufficient reasons, I spent an hour or so looking at job postings in the Pittsburgh area on craigslist. Ultimately, I wonder what else is out there besides this straight 'n' steady white collar line I've always been on. So I clicked through retail/wholesale, media stuff, architects/engineers, skilled trades and food/hospitality.
First off, I'm grateful for HAVING a job. Not having to sell myself, try to prove I meet the qualifications, hope I hear back, keep looking...
Next, I'm grateful for my salary. I may be on the low end of starting ChemE salaries for this area, but compared to so many other jobs out there, I've got something to be happy about.
From a couple postings, I'm brushed with a breath of something different and interesting. Working at a vintage artsy items store ("Your Mom's"), responsible for making creative and artistic signs for the store, updating their websites, going out and finding cool stuff to sell, setting up for live sound on the weekends, etc. Sounds like fun.. less the minimum wage. And for a more exotic shot, if I had experience and skill with maintenance, I could go work in Antarctica for 3 months! The stuff of National Geographic.
Lastly, I'm genuinely scared at the lack of low-experience chemical engineering jobs posted. Everybody and their sister company are looking for mechanical and electrical engineers, but I only found a handful of ChemE postings, and most of them wanted experience. Everybody wants experience. Reading over lists of requirements makes me want to learn specific, demonstrable job skills like software programs, project management, supervision, systems integration, design, etc. etc. Seeing what employers are looking for makes me want to get my butt moving at work. I've gotten a shot of the career-minded motivation I've often scorned. What a young fool.
I'm grateful God led me--half wondering why--to look this over tonight. I don't know how long this motivation will last, but it's a shot at least, and I think I needed it. I think I'll be gladder to go to work tomorrow, and I pray I'll dive in further, trying to learn, insert myself into what's going on, and get things done.
Easy to want to do, easy to imagine, but terribly hard to do in front of real people, full of ignorance, awkwardness, self-doubt and stupidness. I guess I'm not as much of a go-getter as I thought. I wish I could say "I don't get awkward," but it's a real impediment. Bleah.
One other thing brought to mind--something that's been brewing up a ton lately: I hate saying stuff like I just wrote about. Yeah I'm motivated now, but I'll probably go right back to how I've been tomorrow. I hate jumping the gun, talking all about something, and then not following up on it. Like my blab about studying recording. I'm still looking at it, but almost all of my desire for that path is gone right now, and I've done very little towards it. The more you talk about something at first, the more you have to let down, the more respect you lose, the more you hate yourself when the future comes and you don't do anything. Speak from a position of accomplishment, not planning! DO, then talk. Or better yet, be someone truly worthy of respect and just DO, and let another man praise you, and not your own mouth. I wish I could be that kind of person.
But for now I thought I'd write about this to maybe remember it down the road and be knocked into a healthy appreciation for my job again.
Peace.
--JPB
First off, I'm grateful for HAVING a job. Not having to sell myself, try to prove I meet the qualifications, hope I hear back, keep looking...
Next, I'm grateful for my salary. I may be on the low end of starting ChemE salaries for this area, but compared to so many other jobs out there, I've got something to be happy about.
From a couple postings, I'm brushed with a breath of something different and interesting. Working at a vintage artsy items store ("Your Mom's"), responsible for making creative and artistic signs for the store, updating their websites, going out and finding cool stuff to sell, setting up for live sound on the weekends, etc. Sounds like fun.. less the minimum wage. And for a more exotic shot, if I had experience and skill with maintenance, I could go work in Antarctica for 3 months! The stuff of National Geographic.
Lastly, I'm genuinely scared at the lack of low-experience chemical engineering jobs posted. Everybody and their sister company are looking for mechanical and electrical engineers, but I only found a handful of ChemE postings, and most of them wanted experience. Everybody wants experience. Reading over lists of requirements makes me want to learn specific, demonstrable job skills like software programs, project management, supervision, systems integration, design, etc. etc. Seeing what employers are looking for makes me want to get my butt moving at work. I've gotten a shot of the career-minded motivation I've often scorned. What a young fool.
I'm grateful God led me--half wondering why--to look this over tonight. I don't know how long this motivation will last, but it's a shot at least, and I think I needed it. I think I'll be gladder to go to work tomorrow, and I pray I'll dive in further, trying to learn, insert myself into what's going on, and get things done.
Easy to want to do, easy to imagine, but terribly hard to do in front of real people, full of ignorance, awkwardness, self-doubt and stupidness. I guess I'm not as much of a go-getter as I thought. I wish I could say "I don't get awkward," but it's a real impediment. Bleah.
One other thing brought to mind--something that's been brewing up a ton lately: I hate saying stuff like I just wrote about. Yeah I'm motivated now, but I'll probably go right back to how I've been tomorrow. I hate jumping the gun, talking all about something, and then not following up on it. Like my blab about studying recording. I'm still looking at it, but almost all of my desire for that path is gone right now, and I've done very little towards it. The more you talk about something at first, the more you have to let down, the more respect you lose, the more you hate yourself when the future comes and you don't do anything. Speak from a position of accomplishment, not planning! DO, then talk. Or better yet, be someone truly worthy of respect and just DO, and let another man praise you, and not your own mouth. I wish I could be that kind of person.
But for now I thought I'd write about this to maybe remember it down the road and be knocked into a healthy appreciation for my job again.
Peace.
--JPB
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Seamos Recordando
Pure Boss has a new song!
Recorded, that is.
We've got lots of new songs, quite a bit fuller and better than our first album, but we've let two summers go by without coming through on our promise to "record the album this summer." So per Brian's idea, this weekend I packed up my PC and interfaces and we set up musicmaking shop in the loft of the Chima's barn. Which consequently became even MORE the coolest place in all of Ohio :-) The rain drizzled outside in the gray chillyness, but up in the loft the light glowed off the warm wood roof and avocado carpet scraps, and we filled the little hunched room with drums, mics, guitars, amps, pedals, and cables cables everywhere.
The plan was to practice Friday night and nail down the song(s) we wanted to record. Instead, we took a long time to set up, and devolved into Brian and Stephen playing X-box and me laying on the floor watching and being tired. We pretty much hit the sack that night, in Brian's now-sweet, Nick-vacated room, with Dora trying to get us to play tennis ball even though it was 1am.
Brian worked on Saturday, so I slept in (a bit too long) and met Jess after her shift at Starbucks for some catching up. Starbucks sure seems like a cool place to work! It's kinda filed away in my mind as a backup plan if I ever get out of my current career and need to find work. Next on the agenda was Guitar Center, where I finally bought the Line6 delay pedal I decided on 2 weeks ago. I met Steve there, and my cell phone finally ran out of batteries (I forgot to bring the charger), and eventually Steve and I ended up back at the Chimas. Steve put on his new drum heads, and I hooked up my new pedals. Steve Gole swung by at 4 o'clock and we got in some good jams with him before he headed to Canton to visit an old friend there. Brian was back by that time, but we didn't really get anything done with the rest of the day 'cause Brian and Steve went to a pumpkin carving party and I went over to Emily's house to hang out and watch a movie.
It was nice to have some chill time with the Fab Four (minus Christin), and by the end of the night Craig, Steve and Brian, Josh, Dave Potter, Jenica, Jess, Jen, Emily and Christin were all there. We watched The Office and Shooter and had some pizza, and by the time we left it was 2:30 and we were all 3/4ths asleep. Good times with Akron folks.
Did we go home and crash like sensible people? No no. We laid in Brian's room and talked about the band, and then Brian was like "Hey guys, we should watch that video of our concert at my grad party!" So we headed down to the basement and stayed up till 4:30 watching and critiquing our last show. Good times indeed :-)
Sunday was work day (how ironic that sounds). After church Brian and I came right back (Steve just slept through the whole morning), we ate a bit of lunch, and then hit the studio. We were up there till 11, minus a break for dinner (yay Mr. and Mrs. Chima for buying us subs!). We got drums, bass and guitar, leads, and vocals down for "City Lights Behind Me," but none of it was tight, and I got increasingly bothered by the flabbiness of it all as we went along. It's a great song--my favorite of Steve's--but the recording wasn't coming together, starting with the bongy, flabby drums and getting worse from there. I have now found peace by considering this our first pass at the song, and mostly our calibration of the new studio setup. We'll come back and record it again after we've done some more songs, and then we'll make it SWEET! But at the time, it drove me up a wall.
At the last, when the song was burning to a disc and Monday loomed ominously on the horizon, I couldn't make myself tear down the studio we had labored two days to set up. So I thought about it, decided everything there could take the cold, and left it all set up, with the promise to return the following Sunday and record another song. I took my guitar stuff with me, but left the rest.
I stopped at Starbucks on the way out to cheer Jess up on her 11:30 closing shift, and found that they had let her go early, which was merciful considering she was opening at 5:30 the next morning. So I ordered a pumpkin latte from strangers and headed home, mulling over the unavoidable mountain of time that lay between me and where I needed to be the next morning. I find it interesting to contemplate the finality of the distance when I'm in Akron. There's no way to weedle around it, bs through it, or save it for later. The miles must be crossed and there's nothing for it but to suck it up and drive. I almost went straight to work and slept in the parking lot, but I figured that was a bit weird, and I'd probably get strange looks when the shift change came in at 6. So I just headed home and did all I could to stay alert. I made it, and another week began.
It was a good weekend. Akron is one of the only areas in my life that I am relatively satisfied with right now. I'm not constrained there by my self-imposed drive to get home, be in control, and do my own things, so I actually end up with some interesting and memorable experiences, and a lot of good time with people. And that's all coupled with the enriching and purposeful band stuff, which is the best thing musically that I have going right now. So, thank You Lord for Akron, and may it serve Your purposes amidst the great fun and enjoyment!
--JPB
P.S. To clarify, my sense of usefulness and satisfaction from being in Akron is NOT because the people in Pittsburgh stink or I don't like them! The difference is in myself: I'm more the person I want to be over there, because I'm removed from home and my habits of laziness and independence. Akron is truly great, but Pittsburgh is home, and Providence is my family.
Recorded, that is.
We've got lots of new songs, quite a bit fuller and better than our first album, but we've let two summers go by without coming through on our promise to "record the album this summer." So per Brian's idea, this weekend I packed up my PC and interfaces and we set up musicmaking shop in the loft of the Chima's barn. Which consequently became even MORE the coolest place in all of Ohio :-) The rain drizzled outside in the gray chillyness, but up in the loft the light glowed off the warm wood roof and avocado carpet scraps, and we filled the little hunched room with drums, mics, guitars, amps, pedals, and cables cables everywhere.
The plan was to practice Friday night and nail down the song(s) we wanted to record. Instead, we took a long time to set up, and devolved into Brian and Stephen playing X-box and me laying on the floor watching and being tired. We pretty much hit the sack that night, in Brian's now-sweet, Nick-vacated room, with Dora trying to get us to play tennis ball even though it was 1am.
Brian worked on Saturday, so I slept in (a bit too long) and met Jess after her shift at Starbucks for some catching up. Starbucks sure seems like a cool place to work! It's kinda filed away in my mind as a backup plan if I ever get out of my current career and need to find work. Next on the agenda was Guitar Center, where I finally bought the Line6 delay pedal I decided on 2 weeks ago. I met Steve there, and my cell phone finally ran out of batteries (I forgot to bring the charger), and eventually Steve and I ended up back at the Chimas. Steve put on his new drum heads, and I hooked up my new pedals. Steve Gole swung by at 4 o'clock and we got in some good jams with him before he headed to Canton to visit an old friend there. Brian was back by that time, but we didn't really get anything done with the rest of the day 'cause Brian and Steve went to a pumpkin carving party and I went over to Emily's house to hang out and watch a movie.
It was nice to have some chill time with the Fab Four (minus Christin), and by the end of the night Craig, Steve and Brian, Josh, Dave Potter, Jenica, Jess, Jen, Emily and Christin were all there. We watched The Office and Shooter and had some pizza, and by the time we left it was 2:30 and we were all 3/4ths asleep. Good times with Akron folks.
Did we go home and crash like sensible people? No no. We laid in Brian's room and talked about the band, and then Brian was like "Hey guys, we should watch that video of our concert at my grad party!" So we headed down to the basement and stayed up till 4:30 watching and critiquing our last show. Good times indeed :-)
Sunday was work day (how ironic that sounds). After church Brian and I came right back (Steve just slept through the whole morning), we ate a bit of lunch, and then hit the studio. We were up there till 11, minus a break for dinner (yay Mr. and Mrs. Chima for buying us subs!). We got drums, bass and guitar, leads, and vocals down for "City Lights Behind Me," but none of it was tight, and I got increasingly bothered by the flabbiness of it all as we went along. It's a great song--my favorite of Steve's--but the recording wasn't coming together, starting with the bongy, flabby drums and getting worse from there. I have now found peace by considering this our first pass at the song, and mostly our calibration of the new studio setup. We'll come back and record it again after we've done some more songs, and then we'll make it SWEET! But at the time, it drove me up a wall.
At the last, when the song was burning to a disc and Monday loomed ominously on the horizon, I couldn't make myself tear down the studio we had labored two days to set up. So I thought about it, decided everything there could take the cold, and left it all set up, with the promise to return the following Sunday and record another song. I took my guitar stuff with me, but left the rest.
I stopped at Starbucks on the way out to cheer Jess up on her 11:30 closing shift, and found that they had let her go early, which was merciful considering she was opening at 5:30 the next morning. So I ordered a pumpkin latte from strangers and headed home, mulling over the unavoidable mountain of time that lay between me and where I needed to be the next morning. I find it interesting to contemplate the finality of the distance when I'm in Akron. There's no way to weedle around it, bs through it, or save it for later. The miles must be crossed and there's nothing for it but to suck it up and drive. I almost went straight to work and slept in the parking lot, but I figured that was a bit weird, and I'd probably get strange looks when the shift change came in at 6. So I just headed home and did all I could to stay alert. I made it, and another week began.
It was a good weekend. Akron is one of the only areas in my life that I am relatively satisfied with right now. I'm not constrained there by my self-imposed drive to get home, be in control, and do my own things, so I actually end up with some interesting and memorable experiences, and a lot of good time with people. And that's all coupled with the enriching and purposeful band stuff, which is the best thing musically that I have going right now. So, thank You Lord for Akron, and may it serve Your purposes amidst the great fun and enjoyment!
--JPB
P.S. To clarify, my sense of usefulness and satisfaction from being in Akron is NOT because the people in Pittsburgh stink or I don't like them! The difference is in myself: I'm more the person I want to be over there, because I'm removed from home and my habits of laziness and independence. Akron is truly great, but Pittsburgh is home, and Providence is my family.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Speed Dial (and digression)
One of those random bits of life that I'll enjoy remembering 20 years from now:
1. Don't use this one, for whatever reason. I just assigned it to Steve Gole.
2. Brian Chima
3. Dad Cell
4. Mom Cell
5. Home
6. Daniel
7. Hoffmans
8. Steve Hoffman
9. Quinlisks (I forget I have this one assigned)
Notice the logic of the arrangement: Rather than arranging by importance numerically (i.e. home = 1), I arranged it geometrically, since 5 is the most central button.
Incidentally, it's little things like that that will keep me from ever really fitting in with normal people.
That's a thought that touches on what's becoming very obvious at work: I just don't fit in with the "cool crew," the good ol' boys, the hang-out-at-the-coffee-machine crowd. My humor, my actions, my thoughts, my comments, my questions, my mannerisms, are all different. They all kill the mood, or break the conversation, or leave a hanging silence. Most of what I do is more logical and thought-out, or at least more free from the constraints of public-school-bred social conformity, but it still hurts to not fit in.
It has made me grateful for the people at church who let me fit in. I had forgotten what it feels like to be a tagalong, to be in the way, to be awkward, a minute late, missing the point, out of the know. Fundamentally I'm still a homeschooled geek, but I love the Christian people who let me forget that.
Hrm. Way more deeper than I was looking for here. Logic-based behavior vs. public-school-bred social conformity. One of those thoughts that I should compile into a series of essays. Something like "Logical systems and principles of everyday life: You'll say 'Hm, I never really thought about that, but you're right!'"
--JPB
1. Don't use this one, for whatever reason. I just assigned it to Steve Gole.
2. Brian Chima
3. Dad Cell
4. Mom Cell
5. Home
6. Daniel
7. Hoffmans
8. Steve Hoffman
9. Quinlisks (I forget I have this one assigned)
Notice the logic of the arrangement: Rather than arranging by importance numerically (i.e. home = 1), I arranged it geometrically, since 5 is the most central button.
Incidentally, it's little things like that that will keep me from ever really fitting in with normal people.
That's a thought that touches on what's becoming very obvious at work: I just don't fit in with the "cool crew," the good ol' boys, the hang-out-at-the-coffee-machine crowd. My humor, my actions, my thoughts, my comments, my questions, my mannerisms, are all different. They all kill the mood, or break the conversation, or leave a hanging silence. Most of what I do is more logical and thought-out, or at least more free from the constraints of public-school-bred social conformity, but it still hurts to not fit in.
It has made me grateful for the people at church who let me fit in. I had forgotten what it feels like to be a tagalong, to be in the way, to be awkward, a minute late, missing the point, out of the know. Fundamentally I'm still a homeschooled geek, but I love the Christian people who let me forget that.
Hrm. Way more deeper than I was looking for here. Logic-based behavior vs. public-school-bred social conformity. One of those thoughts that I should compile into a series of essays. Something like "Logical systems and principles of everyday life: You'll say 'Hm, I never really thought about that, but you're right!'"
--JPB
Monday, October 22, 2007
Discouraging Poem
I include this poem not because it's how I feel right now, but because it still socks me in my gut with how I felt a week ago. Right now, thanks to a nice talk with Mikey after College Night and a couple days' dose of time, I'm feeling contentedly optimistic. But here's how life seemed not long ago, and how I'm still not convinced it isn't:
Your wings have feathers and here you sit
Watching them folded at your side
You didn't know which way to fly
And so you never tried
You write the songs but never make a sound
You'll spend the rest of your life on the ground
--CA
Your wings have feathers and here you sit
Watching them folded at your side
You didn't know which way to fly
And so you never tried
You write the songs but never make a sound
You'll spend the rest of your life on the ground
--CA
Monday, October 15, 2007
A Good Saturday
That I want to remember.
Because it wasn't the kind of Saturday you'd remember.
But it was the kind of Saturday I seek so often, and I want to remember why I have sought such days, and that they weren't just wastes.
Mom, Dad and Grandma Sweetie all went up to Grove City for the day, from noon till sevenish. So I was by myself. I got up and drove to the church office at 9 to meet with Jeremy and talk about the state of things for awhile. Before going home I went to Wal-Mart for the glamorous purchase of deodorant, work socks, regular socks, and boxers. At home I straightened up my room (at long last), alternating sets of pushups with weeding out old clothes and neatening the beds. Then followed a period of eating lunch, watching Heros, doing laundry, and catching up on email and Facebook.
Daisy was getting bored, so I went out in the delicious cool air and we played frisbee for awhile. I marveled at how well she tracked and caught that little disk, and it was great to see her so happy and energetic.
Now follows the only real wacko, non-ideal part of the day: I was shooting the BB gun at trees and such out back after frisbee, and ended up literally shooting out the window of our motor home, which was parked on the dead end street up from our neighbors! Long story, not *quite* as dumb as it sounds... but pretty much :-P So that was a bizarre diversion as I revisited the foolish 8-year-old days that I never really had.
To close it out, the folks got back home, Daniel's friend Skipper was there, and I went downstairs into one of those rare, wonderful recording times. "College Song" is finally coming together, and the tracks seemed to be uniting as a whole into more than the sum of the parts, which is something I can't make happen.
So: lovely day at home, catching up on life and enjoying it. I may not always be able to recalibrate myself with times like this, and that may not be the highest goal of life, so here's to the relaxing and useful days that have gone by, and here's to what may come ahead; may we all give ourselves to what we know to do.
--CA
Because it wasn't the kind of Saturday you'd remember.
But it was the kind of Saturday I seek so often, and I want to remember why I have sought such days, and that they weren't just wastes.
Mom, Dad and Grandma Sweetie all went up to Grove City for the day, from noon till sevenish. So I was by myself. I got up and drove to the church office at 9 to meet with Jeremy and talk about the state of things for awhile. Before going home I went to Wal-Mart for the glamorous purchase of deodorant, work socks, regular socks, and boxers. At home I straightened up my room (at long last), alternating sets of pushups with weeding out old clothes and neatening the beds. Then followed a period of eating lunch, watching Heros, doing laundry, and catching up on email and Facebook.
Daisy was getting bored, so I went out in the delicious cool air and we played frisbee for awhile. I marveled at how well she tracked and caught that little disk, and it was great to see her so happy and energetic.
Now follows the only real wacko, non-ideal part of the day: I was shooting the BB gun at trees and such out back after frisbee, and ended up literally shooting out the window of our motor home, which was parked on the dead end street up from our neighbors! Long story, not *quite* as dumb as it sounds... but pretty much :-P So that was a bizarre diversion as I revisited the foolish 8-year-old days that I never really had.
To close it out, the folks got back home, Daniel's friend Skipper was there, and I went downstairs into one of those rare, wonderful recording times. "College Song" is finally coming together, and the tracks seemed to be uniting as a whole into more than the sum of the parts, which is something I can't make happen.
So: lovely day at home, catching up on life and enjoying it. I may not always be able to recalibrate myself with times like this, and that may not be the highest goal of life, so here's to the relaxing and useful days that have gone by, and here's to what may come ahead; may we all give ourselves to what we know to do.
--CA
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Life: Revised
I'm gonna tap out the new plan for my life that has just materialized, to represent the thoughts and ideas that have been building up of late:
I work through May at Guardian, giving them a year of service to be fair, and then quit this job for which I am discovering I am not very well suited. I have a chance to do some travel if it works out, plus I can plan and run Youth Camp 08 during the summer, and in the fall I start taking classes at the Duquesne University school of music for a degree in sound recording or some such topic. I flourish in the environment, the formal training fills in the gaps of my homespun skills, and I make connections and build qualifications that lead to a job as a sound engineer in a studio when I graduate in 2 years.
There we go! :-)
And now I'm on my knees crying out to God again, for Him to show the way, step by step, and help me follow Him NOW, at work, and not do anything that isn't His plan.
The world feels open again, and hope scents the air like a delicious smelling salt. (Or a 15-year-old single malt scotch)
Such was the grace for today. Who knows what tomorrow's will be.
--Clear Ambassador
I work through May at Guardian, giving them a year of service to be fair, and then quit this job for which I am discovering I am not very well suited. I have a chance to do some travel if it works out, plus I can plan and run Youth Camp 08 during the summer, and in the fall I start taking classes at the Duquesne University school of music for a degree in sound recording or some such topic. I flourish in the environment, the formal training fills in the gaps of my homespun skills, and I make connections and build qualifications that lead to a job as a sound engineer in a studio when I graduate in 2 years.
There we go! :-)
And now I'm on my knees crying out to God again, for Him to show the way, step by step, and help me follow Him NOW, at work, and not do anything that isn't His plan.
The world feels open again, and hope scents the air like a delicious smelling salt. (Or a 15-year-old single malt scotch)
Such was the grace for today. Who knows what tomorrow's will be.
--Clear Ambassador
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
